Bible Trivia Jokes 

One-liners:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for
duty.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
Coincidences happen when God chooses to remain anonymous.
If God is your co-pilot - swap seats.

When God Sends People...They Make Excuses: Abraham was too old. Moses stuttered. Miriam was a gossip. Jacob was a liar. Gideon doubted. Elijah was burned out. First David's armor didn't fit, then he had an affair, and had someone killed. Solomon was too rich. Isaiah had unclean lips. Jeremiah was too young. Jonah didn't like the job. Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning. Naomi was a widow. Peter was afraid of death. Thomas was from Missouri (the "show-me" state) Paul was a murderer. Mark was rejected by Paul. Timothy had ulcers. Lazarus was dead. Martha was a worry-wart. ...or so they claimed, before God's Spirit empowered them to rise to the occasion and become some of the greatest heroes of our faith.

What US state is mentioned in the bible?
Answer:  Arkansaw.  "Noah looked out of the ark and saw..."

Old Baseball Bible Song (my grandmother taught me):

Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
St. Peter umpired (empired) the game,
Rebecca went to the well with the pitcher,
Ruth in the field won fame.

Goliath was struck out by David,
And a base hit made on Abel by Cain,
The prodigal son made one home run,
Brother Noah gave out checks for the rain.

Indiana Jane

How many animals did Moses take on the Ark?  None.  Moses didn't go on the ark, Naoh did.

Joke

Why couldn't anyone on the ark play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Joke

Where is King Solomon's temple located? On the side of his head. -CK-

Joke

Who is the shortest man in the Bible? >> Bildad the Shuhite.

Joke

Preacher was nervous on the airplane, stewardess asked him why he was nervous, He said, "The bible says 'LO, I am with you always.'"

Joke

What is the blood group of Jesus?

"O." Remember, we sing "Oh, the blood of..."

Joke

Who in the bible had the worst childhood? > Abraham.He was the son of Terah(Terror). > Who in the bible had no parents? > Joshua. he was the son of Nun(none).

Joke

Why was Boaz free?

He was ruthless.

Joke

Re Calvin in Pines Florida request for Biblical Baseball ideas: > >Eve stole first. >Adam stole second. >Gideon rattled the pitcher. >The prodigal son came home. >David put Goliath out.

Joke

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable." (UPS)

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied,

"It is my most fervent wish that this be so."

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, eBay, he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Joke

Did you know that:

1. Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire Bible?

2. Psalm 117 is the shortest chapter in the Bible?

3. Psalm 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible?

4. The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118?

5. If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters.

6. 1188 or Psalm 118:8 is the middle verse of the entire Bible? Should the central verse not have an important message? "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

Joke

what did adam and eve do when they were kicked out of the garden of eden? They raised cain

Joke

A 7-year old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!" Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you "know" what the Bible means? What does it mean?" "That's easy, dad.......It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

Joke

I'm looking for additional Bible Baseball Jokes like these:

When was baseball first mentioned in the Bible? "In the BIGinning God.." Who threw the first curve ball? Noah, which he "pitched the ark(curve) inside and out" Who were the first catchers? "follow me and ye shall be catchers of men"

Calvin in P Pines Fl

Joke

How many Apostles can you fit in a car?

All of them. It says in Acts "...they met in one accord."

Joke

What was the very first car mentioned in the Bible?

A plymouth "God drove Adam and Eve out in a Fury."

Joke

First Dog with a name?

Moreover

Moreover, the Dog came and licked his sores.

Joke

Who in the Bible never commited a sin, spoke by god's inspiration, yet died without hope of Heaven?

Balam's Donkey ______________________

Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible??
In the big inning!! (beginning)  :) :) :)

All I Really Need To Know I Learned from Noah and the Ark:
1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark, you know.
4.  Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to
do something REALLY big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on
board with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, try floating awhile.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; it was the Titanic
that was built by professionals.
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than
storms outside.
13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There'll be
a rainbow at the end of the storm.

Who was the greatest sinner in the Bible? Moses:He broke all the Ten Commandments at once.

Why Peter denied Jesus? Jesus healed his mother-in-law.

who holds the high jump record in the Bible? Jesus , when he cleared the temple!

This came to me from a friend - no idea from whence it originated:

Poem on "Y2K"
 (Based on Psalm 139)
 
 "Year To Kneel"
 "Yield To the King"
 
 O Lord, You have searched me, and known me.
 You know when I sit down at my PC,
 and when I step away.
 You understand my modem,
 and the whole e-mail thing.
 
 You know the way I let the Internet waste my time,
 but too, how it has let me keep in contact
 with family and friends around the globe.
 Even before I've touched the keyboard,
 You know what I'll write.
 
 It is hard for me to comprehend
 that You're standing at my shoulder
 every time I sign on AOL.
 You are awesome, Lord,
 and the Y2K uncertainties can't disturb You,
 like they do me and lots of people around me.
 
 Where can I go that Your Spirit isn't with me?
 Or could I get away from Your love and protection,
 if I was running in fear come Jan. 1, 2000?
 
 If my electricity shuts down,
 You are there.
 If I have to sleep under two down-comforters
 to keep warm when my gas furnace fails to operate,
 You are there.
 If the city can't keep the water pumping,
 or my ATM is "out of service,"
 You'll take care of me.
 
 If, on Dec. 31, 1999, I cry,
 "surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
 and the light around me will be night,"
 even the darkness is not dark to You,
 and the night is bright as the day.
 Darkness and light are alike, to You.
 
 You made me Lord, and You love me.
 Your works have no glitches, no shutdowns, no power failures.
 My days, with or without computers,
 were planned by You before I was even born!
 
 You, Lord, are without limits,
 always knowing, and seeing, and doing.
 Faith in technology is a sin,
 and I pray for Your forgiveness
 for the times I've trusted it with my comfort, happiness and cash.
 Help me to be faithful to You,
 and not panic when I hear of shortages, outages and chaos.
 
 Help me to be prepared to help others, physically and spiritually.
 Let me be an enemy of fear-mongers,
 and help me to show those who are truly afraid of the future
 how to put their trust in You,
 Lord, the Almighty One.
 
 Keep Your eye on me, O God, and touch my heart.
 Give me Your peace, and make me share it with others.
 Keep my eyes on You, now and forever.


HW in HI

Where can you find the first soft drink commercial in the Bible? In the Book of Hab-a-kkuk....."Have-a-Coke"

and adam was lonely he asked god"god can i have a mate to talk to, god said"yes adam but it will cost you a arm and a leg" adam thought about it and said"what can i get for two ribs"

Jesus invented deviled ham! Matthew 8 28When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Gadarenes, [4] two demon-possessed men coming from the tombs met him. They were so violent that no one could pass that way. 29"What do you want with us, Son of God?" they shouted. "Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time?" 30Some distance from them a large herd of pigs was feeding. 31The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." 32He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.

hehehe

the first mention of a cigarette in the Bible was in Genesis. When Rachel saw Isaac from a far, she lit off her camel

Southern Joke: Did you know there were firemen in bible times? Sure there were, the bible said the wise men had come from a fire. (Far) Erin J.

How do we know that they had cars in Jesus' time? It says the disciples were all in one accord (Accord)

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE STORY OF NOAH IN THE LION'S DEN? some one had to feed them.

people can't understand the idea trinity. but this is only because we as humans once again do not listen to God. did he say add? no he told Noah to go forth and MULTIPLY! 1*1*1= 1

did you know that they played tennis in the bible? sure, joseph served in pharoh's courts

did you know that there was a baseball game in the bible? sure, eve stole first, adam stole second, the prodigal made a homerun, and fideon rattled the pitchers

Why did John outran Peter when they went to Jesus' empty grave? A: Because Peter had 1st and 2nd and John had 1st 2nd and 3rd

What else did Jesus say at the Last Supper? "Everyone who wants to be in the picture get on this side of the table."

How do you get holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

Who was the funniest person in the Bible?

Samson-He brought the house down

what did Moses do when he became constipated? Took two tablets and wentup into the mountain.

Who were the two shortest men in the bible? Bildad the Shuhite, and the soldier who slept on his watch.

Who were the two shortest men in the bible? Bildad the Shuhite, and the soldier who slept on his watch.

Why didn't Noah catch fish to feed his hungry family? Answer: He only had two worms!

Who is the greatest female financer in the bible? Answer: Pharoh Daughter, because she went to the Bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Who is the greatest financer in the bible? Answer: Noah, because when the rest of the world was in liquidation he was floating his stock.

Updated Beatitudes

Christians believe the Bible is a resource for all ages. However a few Churches in Columbia Maryland have updated "The Beatitudes"... originally presented at the "Sermon on the Mount" (Matthew 5: 1-11) - - - - - * Blessed are the poor in spirit, they are rife consumers for all manner of inspirational products and fair game for the tele-evangelists/marketers

* Blessed are those who mourn, for they too shall spend great sums with regard to various memorials, remembrances and all manner of laminated items. Forget them not on the anniversary of their sorrow; for what profit it a man not to follow-up initial sales and thus forego many years of future purchases

* Blessed are the meek, they complain not concerning low wages or poor working conditions; neither shall they raise their voices in protest over shoddy workmanship or substandard products

* Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are following their "low fat" diets in strict accordance with their physician's wishes

* Blessed are the merciful, for they shall forgive your sexual harassment and file not a discrimination suit; neither shall they contact the EEO or ACLU, nor congregate in demonstrations and protests

* Blessed are the pure in heart, for surely, their cholesterol shall be the lowest in the land; neither shall their arteries clog. Strike fear into their minds, then they will purchase all manner of drugs, herbs and potions so they may maintain their purity

* Blessed are the peacemakers, for the profits from "peace-keeping" armaments shall be ten-fold that of those gun merchants who would wage war

* Blessed are those who are persecuted, their names shall be entered in nomination for political office and even the least among them shall be appointed to positions of authority

* Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you, for you shall be known as President of the United States, or some governor thereof, whereas citizens of other lands shall be known as despots

* Rejoice and be glad, for verily I say unto you -- the Consumer Confidence Index is at an all time high; tax surpluses are everywhere, as far as the eye can see; unemployment is at an all time low and the stock markets are as high as the interest rates are low; again, I say "Rejoice"

* Your reward is great in Heaven... be ever mindful of the fact that the keepers of the records are compounding daily the interest on the treasures you have stored there

* It is no longer good for anything to be thrown out, be joyful concerning the money-making opportunities in the recycling fervor sweeping all mankind

* Let your light so shine before men, this I say unto you, even if you should fail to become a leading merchant among men with profit-margins unforeseen, there is untold wealth and fame for a great multitude of financial advisors, consultants and tax experts.

In Sunday school, the teacher was asked what Noah and his family did while they were on the ark. The teacher said: "Well, I don't know, but maybe they were fishing". One little boy looked up at her and said: "I don't think they were fishing. At least not very much." "Why not?" asked the teacher. "Because they only had two worms".

Based on Mark 5:35ff

There once was a daughter of Jairus Who seemed dead from a horrible virus But when Jesus came by The Virus did fly, And they wrote it all down on papyrus.

BillCMQ@aol.com (Bill Preston)

This non-denominational campaign started in September sponsored by an anonymous client.

1. "Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game " - God 2. "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids " - God 3. "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - God 4. "We Need To Talk" - God 5. "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - God 6. "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - God 7. "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - God 8. "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - God 9. "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - God 10. "Follow Me." - God 11. "Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding." - God 12. "My Way Is The Highway." - God 13. "Need Directions?" - God 14. "You Think It's Hot Here?" - God 15. "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - God 16. "Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available." - God 17. "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test." - God

What was the first thing Noah said when he got off the ark?

Should have killed them darn mosquitos when I had the chance.

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle names.

Where is the first laxitive mentioned? The bible of course: Moses took the tablets and went into the wilderness, and it came to pass!

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students 10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font . 8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. 7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to "abuse@romans.gov" <mailto:abuse@romans.gov> 5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. 3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. 2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Psalm 23 in Cyberspace Language:

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.

He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,

All of His commands are user friendly,

His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,

I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;

Your password protects me;

You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;

Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.

by Marko Jauhiainen (mark@tif.fi)

Why was Moses the most wicked man? (He broke all 10 commandments at once.)

What animal could Noah not trust? (The cheetah)

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? (Flood lights)

How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi? (Lawyers study the law and the profits)

What are the 2 smallest insects in the Bible? (The widow's mite(Mark 12:42) and the wicked flea(Proverbs 28:1))

Who was the most ambitious man in the Bible? (Jonah-even a whale coudn't keep him down)

Who was the first canning factory run by? (Noah-he had a boatful of preserved pairs)

Why was Noah like a hungry cat? (He went 150 days without finding Ararat)

What is it that Adam never saw or had, yet left 2 of them for his children? (Parents)

What Bible character may have only been a foot tall? (Nicodemus-he was a ruler)

What did Jesus have in common with the fish that swallowed Jonah? (Jesus had dinner with a sinner, and the fish had a sinner for dinner)

How do we know Isaiah's parents were good business people? (They both raised a prophet)

During what season did Eve eat the forbidden fruit? (Early in the fall)

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? (Noah was sitting on the deck)

Why did poor Job land in bed with a cold? (He had poor comforters)

How are rollerskates like the fruit in the Garden of Eden? (They come before the fall)

Who introduced salted meat to the Navy? (Noah-he took Ham on the ark)

Who slept five in a bed? (David-he slept with his forefathers)

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? (They kept saying neigh)

How do we know Abraham was smart? (He knew a Lot)

What was one of the first example of math in the Bible? (God told Adam to go forth and mulitply)

Why couldn't Cain please God with his offering? (He just wasn't Abel)

How did God keep the oceans clean? (With Tide)

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? ("Now I herd everything")

What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks? ("No, Noah-go for wood"[gopherwood])

What was the name of Isaiah's horse? (Isme - He said "Whoa, is me!")

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? (No, he came forth out of the ark)

Who in the Bible was a very lazy person? (The boy that loafs and fishes)

Frank Schaefer for , 18 November 2007