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Church Life Humor

This page is sponsored by DesperatePreacher.com
--every resource a preacher needs

 

ACTUAL Church Bulletin Bloopers:

· Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

· “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don’t forget your husbands.”

· "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus."

· "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."  

· The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.

· The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

· Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.

· Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

· Thursday night will be a potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

·A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

·This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

·Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

 
 

The Perfect Pastor

....The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.  He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings.  He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

....The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the parish.  He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience.  Above all, he is handsome.

....The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.  He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his parish. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

....The Perfect Pastor always has time for parish council and all of it's committees.  He never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

....The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor too.  Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the parish at the top of your list.  If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors.  One of them should be perfect. 

Have faith in this letter.  One parish broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

-by Father McGinn

 

 

LUTHERAN AIRLINES, INC.

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience.  There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight.  Meals are potluck.  Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and  22-30 a dessert.  Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the  aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.  All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.   Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably
indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.  You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that.  Just stuff those back up in their little holes.

Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet...  sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.  Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because  they may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way...   no, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head. We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the coffee pot up front.  Then we'll have the hymn sing...  hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you.  Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace...  "Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest.  Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen."
 

 

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."
Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

Everybody knew the roof was leaking, but the church kept putting off replacement. Finally some areas of the ceiling in the sanctuary began to sag. They called a congregational meeting. A very wealthy member rose and pledged $300 toward fixing the roof. Just then a small piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on the head. Somebody in the back of the church said, "Hit him again, Lord!"

 

The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon. A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice," the woman answered. "I was the treasurer of a Lutheran Church for thirty-two years! 

 

Church-Lite
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments. We  trim off guilt as we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We feature a 7.5% tithe, a 35 minute worship service with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's sermon is on the Feeding of 500.

 

Power of Prayer?
A true story: the chairman of the Finance Committee declared the meeting could not be convened for lack of quorum. He asked one of the ministers present to lead in a prayer. Tired of the lengthy meeting, the minister intended to help the cause when he prayed: "Lord, we thank you for your Word that says, 'where two or three are gathered in your name, they have a quorum. . ." The meeting was promptly convened with a full quorum!

 

Unusual Transfer
After the service a young couple talked to me about joining the church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church he was transferring from.  After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

 

Temptations
A pastor known for his hell-fire-and-brimstone sermons was preaching one Sunday morning. During the course of his sermon, he looked up to the choir loft and saw a woman standing so close to the rail that he could see up her skirt. In shock, he announces to the congregation, "There is a woman in the choir loft standing so close to the railing that you can see up her skirt. Anyone who turns around and looks will go blind." An old man in the front pew covers one eye, turns around and says, "I'll risk one eye!" R.K.

 

Praise the Lord . . . everybody!
We were gathered at a little Pentecostal-style church where the preacher had had a difficult time getting the congregation involved.....ie..amens, etc.  This particular Sunday he was preaching on praise and worship.  He never noticed his mistake.   It was hilarious (but embarrassing we thought) as he yelled out "let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!" Everyone tried to hide their laughter as it seemed improper, but you could hear snickers throughout the entire congregation.

 

Forgiveness?
A story is about old Jack and old John, two board members of the First Church of Sheboygen, who were always at odds with each other. They were constantly at each others' throat especially in board meetings. When one of them said "yea," you could be assured that the other would say "nay."

So, one day old Jack dies and arrives at the pearly gate. He notices how St. Peter asks everyone a question, before they proceeded. When it was his turn, St. Peter said: "Hi Jack, to see if you qualify for heaven, I need to ask you to spell Jesus for me." "That's easy," says Jack, and goes: "J-E-S-U-S." Peter said: "great, you're in, but could you do me a small favor and take over here for a while; I just need to check on something. I'llbe back"

Jack didn't mind and asked everyone in line to spell Jesus. Just then, old John was coming through the line. "What are you doing here?" asked old John. Said Jack; "O, I am just filling in for St. Peter asking everybody to spell a word before they can pass through." "O yeah, what's the word?" asked John. After thinking for a moment Jack said: "spell Albuquerque!"

 

The Catholic Dog
A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he loved dearly. One day the dog died and the farmer went to the parish priest, inquiring if a mass could be for the dead pet.  Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said: "Thanks, I'll go right away. By the way, do you think 50,000 is enough to donate for such a service?" to which Father Patrick replied: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

What is your church preference?
While filling out an application for employment, the applicant came to a query
which asked, "What is your Church Preference?" 
The man, not being a person of extraordinary intelligence thought the question
for some time because he really needed the job. He wanted to impress the
employer and answered very confidently, "I prefer a red brick church." 

 

What denomination circulates in your church?
A gathering of folding money of various denominations was chatting about all the places they had recently been.  The 1000 Dollar bill said that he had been traveling all over the world: Rio, Spain, France, and back to the USA.  The 100 Dollar bill said he had been to the gambling boats: Shreveport,Vicksburg, Baton Rouge.  The 1 Dollar bill said it had been travelling from church to church to church!
 

 

A variation of the above
A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen the whole world during my lifetime. Why, I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "Well, I've not done quite as well, but I have been to Atlantic City, Disneyland, and Starbucks." They both turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting to be outdone, says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been from church to church to church..."  Then the 100 asked, "What's a church?"

 

Free admission to...what?
I passed a church sign the other day which read:  First Baptist Church presents "Heaven's Gates or Hell's Flames."  Free admission!

 

Which Service?
A young girl observed some plaques on the wall of the church building and asked her mother: "Mum who are those people?  Whose names are on the wall?" to which mum replied: "They are the people who died in the service." Immediatley came the retort: "did they die In the morning or the evening service?"
 

 

 

One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class. After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"
 

 

 

Question:  How do you make God laugh?
Answer:  Tell Him your plans!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Why do only 30% of church board members (deacons, consistory members, parish counsel members, etc) go to heaven? Because if any more got in . . . it would be hell!

 

 

A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. He meant to say that "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil." However, what came off of his stammering tongue was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil."

 

A senior Church Member kept noticing that the Church Newsletter always had inflated statistics on attendance. This is obviously to please the Bishop who will be reading the material at the the Diocesan Office. One day he decided to confront the Vicar on the issue. "Padre, this statistics don't seem right - I'm quite sure last week's attendance was only about 50 but you have put 110 ! How do you explain that?

The Vicar calmly said 'My dear good man, don't you know we worship with 'Angels and Arch-angels and ALL the company of Heaven' ?  Contributed by John Selvaraj


A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole." 

 

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"

 


Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am? And his disciples answered and said, Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets. Jesus asked: "But whom do you say that I am?" Peter answered, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple."
And Jesus answering, said, "Huh?"

 

This really happened. I can' t make up this stuff . . .
 

Once I had a lay reader who was a cardiac care nurse.  She called Joseph of Aramathea Joseph of Arrythmia.

 

Rev. Bob Smith, Rector

Church of the Holy Communion, Norwood,NJ

 

An impoverished old man applied for membership in a rich church. The pastor attempted to put him off  with all kinds of evasive remarks.  The old man, becoming aware that he was not wanted, finally said that he would pray on it.  Several days later he returned.   "Well," asked the pastor, "did the Lord give you a message?"   Yes Sir, he did" was the old man's answer.  "He told me it wasn't any use.  He said, 'I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years, and I still can't make it.'" 

 

 

The Tate Family Do you know how many members of the Tate family belong to your family or church?

There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There's sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot. But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands. And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church. How about it - do you know anyone in the "Tate" family?

>Author Unknown

 

 

The man had a parrot on his shoulder and he went into a bar. The parrot said "People, People." The man said, "Yes, parrot, these are people who come to the bar." The man went to a church that Sunday and he took the parrot with him. The parrot said, "People, people." The man said, "No, parrot, these are church people." The parrot said, "Same people; same people!"

 

 

A 100, a 20, and a one pound / dollar bill meet at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "I have been to Atlantic City, Disneyland, and Starbucks." They both turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one said: "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been from church to church to church..."

 

 

 

Two small boys were a constant problem for the pastor, and the parents did nothing to correct them.  So the pastor asked his assistant, if the boys were disruptive at the morning service, to take them to his office and have them wait for him.  Sure enough the boys showed up with their usual vigor.  After a short while of talking and laughing and making airplanes out of bulletins, the assistant took the boys to the pastors office.  When the pastor came after the service he took little Billy in the office with him and asked, "Billy, do you know where God is?"(wanting him to realize he was in God's house).  Billy didn't even look up and remained silent. "Billy do you know where God is?" the pastor repeated.  "Billy I'm going to ask you one more time, Do you know..."  Billy jumped up , ran out the door, grabbed his buddy and yelled "Lets get out of here!"  They ran all the way to Billy's house, into his bedroom, and Billy began to pack his clothes.  His buddy asked him, "What did the preacher say?"  Billy said, "God is missing and he thinks we know where he is!!"

 

 

A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen the whole world during my lifetime. Why, I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "Well, I've not done quite as well, but I have been to Atlantic City, Disneyland, and Starbucks." They both turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting to be outdone, says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been from church to church to church..."

 

 

The drought in Georgia has begun to affect our different communities of faith in different ways. The Baptists have taken up sprinkling....the Methodists are using damp cloths to baptise... and the Presbyterians are giving out rainchecks.

[MS in GA]

 

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

 

 

AS SEEN ON CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS:

"People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." *** "Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives." *** "God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee." *** "How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?" *** "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world!" *** "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." *** "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

 

 

While leading our worship service a short while back, I got to the second verse of "What a Friend we Have in Jesus." Instead of singing "Have we trials and temptations I made the mistake of booming out, "Are we trials and temptations."

 

 

Said the new seminary graduate to the old preacher: "In order to effectively instruct the masses; it is incumbent upon us that we in a most articulative austeludicating fashion; rightly disseminate the word of truth. In order to avoid the presence of phsycological processing and theoretical reasoning. Which only capitulates to philosophicative conclusiveness and diminishes one's assidous approach to the charismatic overview of the the divine HOLY WRIT; which in the end, ultimately leads to spiritual interposition and characteristic nullification in the Christianic life......" Said the old preacher to the seminary graduate: "In other words, what you are saying is; if we don't go to Bible Study, we'll be too smart to know how dumb we really are."

Rev. V.E.Jennings Sr. Austin/San Antonio Tx

 

 

A Methodist Preacher arrived at his new church and discovered that it had "old bats" hanging on the pitched ceiling. He called someone to ask what should he do with them and they explained, that if he should put them all in a bag and drive them out to the country and let them go, he would be rid of them. The Preacher did just that, but he got back to the church, the "old bats" were waiting on the doorsteps to be let in. The Preacher also tried two other things that didn't work. So one day he saw the Baptist preacher from down the street and he asked him if he had ever had a problem with "old bats" in his church. The Baptist Preacher said, "I use to, but I baptized them and confirmed them and they haven't been back since."

 

 

Announcement printed in the weekly notice sheet (Bulletin) of a church with a rather elderly congregation. "If you have not yet obtained your ticket for our St Patrick's Night Social, they may be obtained from Mr Brookes who conducted worship this morning. Mr Brookes will be in the church foyer at the end of today's service. Transport can be provided if required

 

 

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

 

 

An older church woman goes to the doctor and receives breast implants. From there she proceeds to get a "tummy tuck". She continues on to have liposuction performed on her hips and thighs and then goes to her Mary Kay rep and buys a ton of skin care products and facial creams. To top it all off, she even has a face lift.

When questioned by another sister in the church as to why she went through so much trouble to remain young looking? the old woman replied "I heard the preacher say that Jesus was comming back soon and He's looking for a church without a spot or wrinkle."

Rev.V.E."Smiley"Jennings Sr Assoc. Minister True Light MBC, Austin,TX

 

 

The 2000 member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir loft. The deacons ran out the door.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to > the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Having children is hereditery, if your parents didn't, you won't either.

 

A man went on a nature walk. A bear began to chase him, so he climbed a tree. As he was climbing he slipped down into the bear's arms.  He prayed "Lord let this be a Christian bear."  The bear said "Lord thank you for this food."

 

Stewardship / Tithing
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die!  We're going to die! There's no food! No water!  We're going to die!"  The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"  The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week….we'll get found soon"    The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water!  We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it, do you:   I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent of that $100,000 each week to my church----I give $10,000 each week to my church."  The First Man, still dumbfounded said, " I still don't understand!"  The Second Man said:   "Listen, I said to relax, I TITHE $10,000 a week to my church, BELIEVE ME, My pastor will find me!"

 

A lady was getting married and she was very aprehensive about her honeymoon.  Some of her friends in the church sent her a telegram, simply quoting 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love").  But someone omitted the 1 before John.  So it just read:  John 4:18  ("For you have had 5 husbands and the one you have now is not your husband...")

 

My friend Sam Caldwell swears this really happened to him. Sam is an old retired country preacher who fills in regularly in our parts. Sam doesn't hear well at all, so everyone, even the children, know to speak loudly to him. One Easter Sunday, all the children came up for the children's message. Sam said to one little girl, "My that's a lovely dress. Is it new?" And the girl shouted, "Yes, and my mommie says it's a bitch to iron!"

 

In Scotland, where the collection plate is rarely full, a pastor in a small church was taking the offering.  When the plate came back to the pastor to pray over the offering, he saw that the few pennies in it were even less than usual.
He held the plate up in front of him and said, "Well Lord, we thank you for he safe return of the plate

 

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.    Whatever single word I say,  I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang   "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said "Sex."    The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone  was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to  say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious Memories".

 

Why can't missionaries get to sleep at night? They count lost sheep.

 

Before taking the offering the pastor announced that the church had several unexpected expenses in the last month.  She encouraged everyone to make a significant offering that morning, and as extra incentive she said that whoever gave the most that day would get to pick three hymns.  When the ushers brought the offering forward there was a thousand dollar bill on the top of the plate.  The pastor asked the donor to please come forward.  After a brief pause an older woman came forward absolutely beaming.    The pastor thanked her profusely and then reminded her that she was entitled to pick three hymns.  Without hesitation she pointed at three handsome young men and said, "I pick him, and him, and him.

 

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked,  "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied,  "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."  He said,  "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"  She replied,  "Oh, Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked,  "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said,  "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to  heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him,"  replied the lady.

 

A man was stranded on a deserted island.  Years passed before he was finally discovered.  When the rescue party came ashore, the man expressed his gratitude and told them how he had survived alone for so many years.  The rescue party was suspicious.  One of the party stated, "No one could live on this island alone for that long a time."  "But it's true," the man said, "Come a see where I lived."

When the rescue party arrived at his residence, they saw three huts.  "Ah Hah!" They said, "Here is evidence that you are not alone."    "No," said the man, "let me exlpain.  This first hut is where I lived all these years, and the third hut is where I attended church."    "What then is the the second hut?" they inquired.   "Oh," said the man,"That's where I used to go to church."

 

Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his congregation.  He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had a loving wife..who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3 perfect children.........However..............Pastor Bob always left town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour.  LIke clockwork.    Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's curious schedule and began to ask questions.  They went to the PPR Committee with their concerns.   "Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?"   Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the D.S.  The D.S. didn't want to touch it....so he went to the Bishop.  Finally after prayer and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him at 2:00 that afternoon.   They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley.   After sitting there quietly.
"Yes," the Bishop agreed, "that is a beautiful sight.  And is this where you come every afternoon?"
"Yes," said Pastor Bob. "I come here to be inspired.  It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!!"

 

A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention.  Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up."
The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?"
The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."

 

In S'pore - it has been said the aristocrats and members of the high society go to the Cathedral whereas the "spiritual-cuckoos" go to "Coos" - Church of Our Savior.

 

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

 

Now available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for today's generation of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can now be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort. Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include: "Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound" "Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word" "Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow" "Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me" "When Peace, Like a Trickle" "We Give Thee but Still Think We Own" "What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus" "We Are Milling Around in the Light of God" "Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style" "I Surrender Some" "Standing on the Premises" "Sweet Minute of Prayer" "Blessed Insurance" "Come We That Like the Lord" "Onward, Social Workers" "Avoid the Good Fight" "The Gold-Plated Cross" "Some for Jesus" "I Have My Own Way" and the all-time children's favorite: "I Love Me"

 

One Sunday morning a mother was getting ready for church when she noticed her son wasn't up yet. She finally went in to wake him up. "Come on, get up...you'll miss church!" she said. "No, I don't want to go!" came the reply from her son as he buried his head under the pillow. "Yes, you have to get up for church,"the mother coaxed. "No, I am not going to church. And I'll give you two reasons. Number 1 Nobody likes me and Number 2 I don't like them." The mother put her hands on her hips and replied indignantly, "Well you ARE going to church and I'll give you two reasons why you are going: Number 1 You are 45 years old, and number 2 You are the pastor!"

 

A True Story: Two weeks ago at St. Louis Catholic Church in North Star, Ohio, a young father was attending the First Communion Mass with his six-year-old son. When the first communicants, dressed in their white shirts, ties, dresses and veils, stood up to renew their baptismal promises, the father looked down at his son who had a very perplexed and troubled look on his face. "What's the matter?" he whispered. The boy looked up and said, "Dad, I never knew kids could get married!"

 

Missouri Humor

You might be in a Missouri country church if...

1. The doors are never locked.

2. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"

3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", and five guys stand up.

5. The restrooms are outside.

6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of.

8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."

9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.

10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

 

A Pastor went to an elder sister/widow in the congregation to discuss some problems with her life style.He say's:sister,you have been setting a rather bad example for the younger generation of the flock,you've married four times,in just a few years I'm here to question "do you know what you are doing?";one was an banker,then a actor,then a preacher,afterwards a mortician.She replied "Rev"I knew exactly what I was doing:one was for the money,one for the show,one to get ready,and one to go!

 

A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer desided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car car he followed it for a short ways and clocked it doing 40 mph. Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled of the side and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had 5 nuns in it and the youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70's. As he came up to thr car he asked if there was anything wrong. NUN: No officer why? OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong. NUN: Young man I know that I don't have much experence driving in the job I do but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph. OFFICER: Mam that was the route number not the speed limit. NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs. The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nun's were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nun's were ok. The driver said that they would be that she had just come off of route 119 a couple of miles back.

 

The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 

Directions to make holy water: Measure one pot of water, put over high heat, boil the hell out of it.

 

A tenor in a Welsh choir had a dream. He had gone to Heaven and was admitted to the Celestial Choir. It consisted of 1,000 bases. 1,000 sopranos, 1,000 altos - but only one tenor, himself. After only one verse the Almighty tapped with the baton and said "Mr Jones please, not so loud".

 

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was written "Genesis 3:10."

 

What is the difference between a Church Organist/Choir Director and a steel I Beam. The steel I beam is more flexible.

 

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH: Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew! I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early! Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

Now available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for today's generation of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can now be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort. Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include: "Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound" "Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word" "Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow" "Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me" "When Peace, Like a Trickle" "We Give Thee but Still Think We Own" "What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus" "We Are Milling Around in the Light of God" "Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style" "I Surrender Some" "Standing on the Premises" "Sweet Minute of Prayer" "Blessed Insurance" "Come We That Like the Lord" "Onward, Social Workers" "Avoid the Good Fight" "The Gold-Plated Cross" "Some for Jesus" "I Have My Own Way" and the all-time children's favorite: "I Love Me"

 

The Lord's Lottery

Purpose: The 'BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.

Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:

1.When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar. 2.One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar. 3.The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive DOUBLE THEIR MONEY BACK!!

Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this 'Lord's Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program'

1.More and more members will begin using offering envelopes. 2.When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow. 3.Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members). 4.Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn. 5.You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement, honor, and prestige that comes with the job. 6.Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the 'bingo syndrome.' 7.Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the 'main event.'

 

Bulletin Bloopers:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church

Evening massage - 6 PM

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

(on a church bulletin during the minister's ilness) GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow

Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance

 

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher" The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher." Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly." The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

 

 

 

 
 

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