My wife and I (a pastor) had just been called to a new church
and I went around town meeting the other pastors. When I introduced myself to
the Baptist pastor I mentioned that my wife was a former Baptist. "I'll bet
she's still a Baptist at heart", the Baptist pastor replied. "No she's not", I
said jokingly, "she got saved!" The Baptist pastor didn't laugh!
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? When he knocks on the door, he doesn't know why he's there.
I'm reminded of the story of when Ole moved up north. He discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday during the Lenten season, for it was torture for them. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. > > Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got > together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join > their church. > > The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on > Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, > and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now > you are a Catholic!" > > Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday > evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks > coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and > as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born > a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled > seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you are a trout!" > submitted by pulpitt in ND
A few more definitions for words near and dear to the hearts of Episcopalians everywhere:
Bulletin-- 1)Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.
Choir-- A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.
Recessional hymn-- The final hymn of an Episcopal Church service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.
I recently noticed a set of unique definitions posted on the bulletin board at my home Episcopal parish. A sample:
Ushers--The only guys in the church who still do not know the actual seating capacity of a pew.
Relics--Older Episcopalians who still remember when to sit, stand, and kneel during an Episcopal service.
Question: What's the great thing about being an Episcopalian?
Answer: Being an Episcopalian never interferes with your politics. (...OR your religion! )
A heard around some Episcopal Churches goes like this:
Question: What's the difference between God and a bishop?
Answer: Well...GOD doesn't think He's a BISHOP !
Lack of Faith:
There were three great religious leaders standing at the top of a 100-floor building. The first religious leader was a Buddhist, the second was Islamic, the third was a Christian. All of them agreed to show the authenticity of their faith by jumping at the top of the building and landing unharmed. The buddhist jumped first, and as he was about to hit the ground, he positioned his body in a meditative position. Then, the buddhist said, "BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA." The Buddhist started to elevate in mid-air. He didn't fall and he was not hurt. The Islamic was next. When he was about to fall, he said, "Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed." Yet still he went straight to the ground, his whole body broken, and in seconds was lifeless. The Christian, still desiring to prove his courage and faith, jumped off the 100-story builing and went soaring to the ground. When he was about to fall, he shouted, "JESUS, JESUS, JESUS." But the situation did not change. As he was still soaring to his death towards the ground, with a couple of seconds left till impact, he suddenly changed his body position into a meditative position just like that of the Buddhist and started to chant, "BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA." The Christian started to elevate from the ground... (This is a but we often change faith when the situation seems hopeless. Still I trust in Jesus! - DAG)
Three friends ended up in hell together. One was a Methodist (they believe you can "backslide") the other was a Baptist ("once saved always saved") and the other one was a Christian Scientist (positive confesser). The Methodist looked over at the Baptist friend and said: "I'm here and I always knew I would be." The Baptist looked over at the Christian Scientist and said: "I'm here and I demand to know why!"
The Christian Scientist looked at both of them and said: "I'ts NOT hot and I'm NOT here!"
Different Denominational Ministries:
The Methodists pick you up out of the gutter.
The Baptists get you saved.
The Presbyterians educate you.
The Episcopalians introduce you to high society.
Then the Methodists have to pick you up out of the gutter again.
Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers? They are reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.
In the process of conquering the West for Christ, the Baptists went on foot, the Methodists went on horseback...but the Episcopalians waited for the Pullman car.
An Episcopalian is either a Roman Catholic who flunked Latin or a Presbyterian whose stocks paid off.
A man made his way quickly through the carriages of a train in Ireland, calling out "I need a priest! Is there a Catholic priest on the train?". There was no reply. He then went back through the train, asking "Is there a rabbi on the train?". Again, no reply. He made his way through a third time, crying out "OK, is there an Anglican clergyman on the train?". Still no answer. Finally a man in in the corner of the carriage timidly raised his hand and said "I am a Presbyterian minister, if that's of any help". The man took one look at him and said "That's no good, we're lookin' for a corkscrew.".
A Catholic priest and a Presbyterian Minister used to discuss mutual parish problems over a game of tennis. After a recent visit to the courts they went to have their showers when fire broke out. Naked they ran out into the street. Whilst running for safety the preacher covered his private parts and looking up noticed that his catholic colleague held his hands over his face. He said: Why do you cover your face? Well replied the priest: Most people recognise my face.
A baptist friend of mine said, "Brother Bill," (to him
everyone is a brother),"tell me about your CALLING to the ministry." "OK", I
said. "One Wednesday night after Bible study, Vernon, an elder at a little
country church, CALLED me and asked me if I wanted to preach for them Sunday.
I've been preaching ever since."
He didn't laugh.
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don't recognize the pope as the Ruler of the Church.
Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.
What is a Methodist?
A Methodist is a Baptist who can read.
What is a Presbyterian?
A Presbyterian is nothing more than a rich Methodist.
What is an Episcopalian?
An Episcopalian is just a Catholic who flunked Latin.
A poor widow with three young daughters lived near the
Methodist church. The pastor went to visit and invited them to services.
"We would love to come," said the woman, "but we don't have any Sunday clothes."
The pastor went back to the church and talked to some of the women in the church who bought and delivered a really nice Sunday outfit for the woman and each of her three daughters.
The next Sunday, the whole congregation watched for the family, but they never showed. Disappointed, the pastor went to their house after the service and asked why they did not attend church.
"Well," the woman said, "we got all dressed up in our new clothes, and we looked so nice that we went to the Episcopal Church instead!"
These three preachers were fishing. A baptist,a methodist, and a presbyterian. They decided to confess their faults to one another. The baptist said "wee, my only fault is I like the drink... yep, I hit the bottle quite often." The methodist confessed ''well my shortcoming is that I do chase the women, but that's my only fault." And finally the presbyterian spoke out gleafully 'my fault and I know it is that I tell everything I know. And I can't wait to get back to town to tell about what I just heard from y'all...
A little boy was selling pupppies on a sidewalk when two men walked by. "What kind of puppies are they?" They boy replied "these are Pentecostal puppies" Two weeks later they came by again and said "See ya still have them Pentecostal pups" The boy replied "These are Baptist puppies" "I thought you said they were Pentecostal's" the boy said "That's before their eye's were opened!" Billy M
One day the Pope got a phonecall from God. God told him that he had some good news, and some bad news. "The good news," said God, "Is that I have decided to convert the whole world to one religion." "The bad news, is that I am calling long distance from Salt Lake City!"
The Catholic Priest rode his bicycle by the Baptist church every day on his lunch hour for exercise. He and the Baptist Pastor got to be good friends. One day, the Priest came walking by the Baptist church. "Where is your bike?" the pastor inquired. "Someone stole it!" "Well, someone stole some property from our church recently and I preached on the ten commandments last Sunday and the guilty person confessed and returned the property." Next week the Priest rode his bike by the Baptist church. "Hey, I see you got your bicycle back!" exclaims the pastor. "Yeah, that was a great idea you had about preaching on the ten commandments. When I got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered right where I left my bike!"
Two guys are painting the ceiling of a church when they look down and see a little old lady praying at the altar. One of the painters decides to say, " Lady, This is Jesus speaking to you." Nothing happens so he says again, "Woman, this is Jesus speaking to you." Finally the lady looks up and says, "Shut up! I'm speaking to your mother!"
A Jewish man was growing nervous. His son was coming of age and his 13th year was drawing closer. The Jewish father was concerned that his young son was not well versed in the Jewish faith and wanted to better educate him on ihs roots before his barmitzvah. The father decided to send his young son to Israel to see their homeland and study his heritage. It later came time for the young boy to return home. The boy came in and fell to his fathers feet thanking him over and over for sending him to Israel. "Ohhh father" he exclaimed excitedly "I learned so much while I was there...but I have some bad news" pausing a second or so he concluded "While I was there I converted to Christianity" The father fell to his knees "OHHH NOOOO What have I done??" Worried he hurried over to his closest friends house. After explaining what happened to him his friend replied "Funny you should bring this to me...I also sent my son to Israel..and he TOO converted to Christianity" The two friends almost in a panick decided they must immediatly go to the Rabbi and ask for guidance. After explaining the Rabbi replied "Funny you should bring this to me..I TOO sent my son to Israel and he ALSO converted to Christianity" All three men in unison fell to their knees and blurted out prayers to God begging for guidance. God quietly replied "Funny you should bring this to me...I TOO sent my son to Israel..."
Why don't Seventh Day Adventists make love standing up? Because it might lead to dancing!!!
how many pentacostals does it take to change a light bulb? 3- 1 to change the lightbulb, 2 to cast out the spirit of darkness
A first grade class was having show and tell and the teacher told them to bring something pertaining to their religion. So the Catholic boy brought his crucifix, the jewish boy brought his yamuka, and the southern baptist boy brought his crocpot.
Q: How can you identify a Unitarian-Universalist extremist group? A: If they burn a question mark on your lawn.
A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
A man who sang in the choir each week was embarrassed by his dad falling asleep during the sermon. So he decided to come up with a plan to keep him awake. He told his son to sit by "gramps" and keep him awake by giving him a little prod each time he started to nod off and he would give him a dollar. Well, "gramps" started into his nap again right on schedule and the little boy just sat there. After the sermon, his dad came down from the choir loft and asked him why he didn't wake up "gramps" when he fell asleep. "That's easy!", said his son, "gramps pays better!" as he pulled out a five dollar bill !
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest. "I stole some lumber Father,"replied the penitent. "How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!" The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena." The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Change! My grandmother donated that lightbulb.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Change?
How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? 4. 1 to change it and 3 to stand around talking about how much they'll miss the old one.
Top 10 signs that you are in the wrong church:
:: 10. The church bus has gun racks. :: 9. The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor. :: 8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version. :: 7. There is an ATM in the lobby. :: 6. The choir wears leather robes. :: 5. The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake). :: 4. There's no cover charge but communion is a two-drink minimum. :: 3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. :: 2. The ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?" :: 1. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.
In a 1st grade class room, it was Show and Tell day. The teacher picked 3 boys to stand up and present their objects to the class. The first boy stood up and said "Hi, My name is Abram, I'm Jewish and this is a Matzaball!" The second boy got up and said "Hi, my name is Johnny and I'm Catholic, this is a Crucifix!" Finally the third boy got up and said "Hi, My name is Billy and I am Baptist, and this is a casserole!!"
A rabbi visited the Vatican and during a visit with the pope he asked permission to make a phone call to God. The pope said: "sure." After the call, the rabbi asked: "how much do I owe you?"" the pope sai"d: Ït's about 2,000 liras, but . . . that's ok, you don;t have to pay!"" Some time after that, the pope visited the rabbi in Israel, and he too, asked permission to make a phone call to God. After the call, the pope älso asked: "how much do I owe you?" And the rabbi replied: "nothing . . .this was a local call!" --by Samuel
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Two men are standing on the front lawn of a church. One man is leaning on the church's sign and the other is looking at it from the front.
The sign reads :
OAK ROAD Bible Believing, Hand Clapping, Foot Stomping, Hemlines-Below-the-Knee, Tie Wearing, Blood Washed, Coffee-And-Donuts-During-Sunday-School Eating, Council of Nicaea Appreciating, Non-Denominational CHURCH
The man leaning on the sign says, "When you don't believe in written creeds, you have to squeeze a lot of doctrine into your name."
A prist friend and I were driving along the highway, and a rabbit ran out in front of us. It was squashed flat. The priest stopped, got out and stood over the flattened rabbit. He took out a flask of Holy water, sprinkled some on the body and said a blessing. I ran back to the car, got something out and rushed back. I poured it on the dead rabbit, and it came back to life, jumped up and ran back into the woods. The priest said, "That was a miracle! I used Holy Water, what did you pour on the rabbit?" I replied, "Rogaine, hare restorer."
So Jesus was sitting by the Temple in Jerusalem one day when suddenly a crowd comes roaring down the street chasing a woman. They back the woman up against the wall and are about to stone her, screaming "Adulteress!" Just then the Pharisees intervened, seizing upon the opportunity to trap Jesus. "So, Rabbi, this woman was caught in the very act of adultery. The law says she should be stoned. What do you say?" Jesus kept looking at the ground and drawing in the dirt. He drew in the dirt and he drew in the dirt. Finally he looked up and said, "Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone." Everything was silent, then one by one you could hear the stones thud as they were dropped on the ground. But SUDDENLY a big rock comes whizzing right by Jesus' head! It barely missed him! Then Jesus cried, "MO-O-O-M!!!"
A Rabbi loved the game of golf but his busy schedule prevented him from playing as often as he wanted. He gave into temptation one Saturday and because it was the Sabbath he drove 50 miles from his home so as not to be recognized. On the 3 rd hole (a par 3) Moses looks down from heaven and says to God, "Look at that, even after 2000 years they are still laying burdens on the people that he cannot keep, he should be punished." God responded "I will take care of it." The Rabbi hits his tee shot and it goes straight to the green takes two hops and goes into the hole - a hole in one. Moses is beside himself. He says, "God I thought you were going to punish him and instead you reward him with a once in a lifetime event, a hole in one." God replies "I did punish him." Moses asks "How?" and God answered "Who is he going to tell."
A Methodist preacher, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist were traveling together when their car broke down. They were unable to get any help, so they walked to a nearby farm and asked the farmer if they could stay the night. The farmer was happy to put them up, but he only had one extra bed, a double bed as it were, so one of the three would have to stay in the barn. The Buddhist quickly volunteered, and so the Rabbi and the Methodist made themselves comfortable. It wasn't long before a knock came at the door, however. "I'm sorry, there is a cow in the barn, and of course cows are sacred animals in my religion." So, the Rabbi made his way to the barn. It wasn't too much longer before there was another knock at the door. "I'm sorry, there is a pig in the barn. Pigs are, of course, unclean animals in my religion." With a sigh of resignation, the Methodist made his way to the barn. It wasn't much longer that another knock came at the door. There standing at the door was the cow and the pig.
An enthusiastic young Methodist minister was posted to a small town where there was both a catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. The catholic priest and the Jewish rabbi welcomed the young minister warmly and offered any assistance he might need in his new charge. Then they invited him to go fishing with them. As they were sitting in the boat about fifty yards from shore, the priest said he was thirsty. But they had left the cooler on the dock. The Rabbi said, "I'll get it." With that he stepped out of the left side of the boat, walked to the dock, and returned with the cooler. Later the rabbi hooked a large trout, but the net had been left on the dock also. So the priest stepped out of the left side of the boat, walked to the dock, and returned with the net. By this time the young minister was a little red in the face. Then the old priest said that he had left his knife on the dock and he couldn't get the hook out of the fish's mouth. The young minister stood up and said, "I'll get it!" With that, he stepped out the right side of the boat an prompted sank to his eyebrows. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "Well Father, if we're gonna' help this boy, we should start by showing him where the steppin' stones are."
THE BARBER After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!" The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed The BAPTISTS cried, "Where's the water?" The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed that there was no fire The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted, "It's the vengeance of God!" The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring fire was not justified The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass over The ROMAN CATHOLICS took up a second collection The CONGREGATIONALISTS & SOUTHERN BAPTISTS shouted, "Every man for himself !" The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter; The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out in grand style and the UNITARIANS toasted marshmallows !
Favorite hymns of various occupations
Astronaut -- "Nearer My God to Thee"
Baker -- I Knead thee Every Hour"
Baseball Batter -- "Seek Ye First"
Builder -- "How Firm a Foundation"
Dentist -- "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Fisherman -- "Shall We Gather at the River"
Stonecutter -- "Rock of Ages"
Nightwatchman -- "Silent Night"
Weatherman -- "There Shall be Showers of blessings"
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home"
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"
"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake."