Gender Role Jokes
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How to cure your dog from drinking out of the toilet: Always put the lid
down.
How to keep your wife from nagging at you about the toilet: Always put
the lid down.
How to prevent your cat from falling into the toilet: Always put the lid
down.
How to avoid accidentally dropping your toothbrush into the toilet:
Always put the lid down.
How to keep your feet dry when changing the bathroom ceiling light bulb:
Always put the lid down.
We could go on but as you can see "Always putting the lid down" will
solve many, if not all, domestic disputes/problems.
Have a "lid down" day!
Clive Bishop
All Female Pallbearers
An
elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They Wouldn't take me out while I was alive -- I don't want them to
take me out when I'm dead.
One day a preacher came home and saw his wife in a brand new red dress. He
looked at her and said " didn't
I say that you weren't supposed to get any more
clothes?"
Embarrassed the wife replied " yes, but Satan
tempted me and told me it looked good from the front!" The preacher a little
startled by what just came out of his wife's mouth then replied saying "
didn't I tell you to say "Satan
get thee behind me?" She replied saying " yes, but when I said that he said
it looks good from back here too!!"
A couple were married for 30 years, and on Valentines Day, they were sitting at the
breakfast table. He was burried behind his newspaper, and except for the occasional:
"unbelievable" he muttered there was no conversation between the couple. So she
finally asked him straight out: "do you still love me?" He finally puts down the
newspaper and responds in a matter-of-factly tone: "honey, 30 years ago at that altar
I said that I did and if anything changes, you'll be the first to know."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee.
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do
it."
The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man
should do the coffee."
The husband replied, "Yeah, right!" So she showed him in the Bible where it
says: "HEBREWS"
Joke
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member
lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they
absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well,
how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000
for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the male
brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so
to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because... they've actually been used!"
Joke
How Many men does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to hold the light bulb while the earth revoles around him.
Joke
Which is worse, a man who will not tell the truth or a woman who will not let him get
away with telling a lie?
A man was pulled over by a policeman and asked if he knew he was going too fast. He
said, " I'm sorry officer. I had my cruise control on and just forgot the speed limit
changed." His wife said, "Harry, I told you two miles ago that you were
speeding." Harry gives his wife a dirty look as the officer pulls out his ticket
book.
"By the way, sir, did you know that your left rear signal lense was broken?"
the policeman asks, to which Harry replies, "Oh wow, it must have just happened in
the mall parking lot we just left." His wife again interrupts and says, "Harry,
how can you sit there and lie to that nice policeman? I told you to fix that three weeks
ago!" Harry gives another look that could kill as the officer starts writing.
The policeman adds,"I am going to have to cite you for not wearing your seatbelt,
also." Harry says,"I just unbuckled as you came up to the car so I could get to
my driver's license if you needed it." The little lady pipes up, "Harry, you
know good and well, I tell you all the time that you better buckle up, 'cause YOU NEVER
WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!"
Having taken all he can stand Harry turns to his tormentor and says with great
exasperation, "Woman would keep your big mouth shut!"
Now the officer looks at and addresses the little lady and asks,"does he verbally
abuse you like this often, ma'am?"
Says she, "Oh no, only when he has had one drink too many."
Joke
After God created man, he rested. But after God created woman, neither God nor man
rested.
Joke
Adam and Eve were enjoying another day in paradise, just lying peacefully by a stream,
when Eve asked Adam wht he was thinking. "Oh, nothing, really" was his reply.
Suddenly, Eve jumped up and grabbed Adam. She began frantically poking him in the
chest. "Woman," Adam shouted, "just what do you think you're doing?"
Eve stared him dead in the eyes and shouted back, "Be quiet! I'm counting your
ribs!"
Understanding Women
A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said,
"Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. Please give a
confirmation that you will grant my wish." Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in
a booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. I
think that I can trust that you will not disappoint me. Because you have been faithful to
me, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "I've always wanted to go to
Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build
a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?" The Lord laughed and
said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever
reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very
materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a
little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me."
After much thought, the man said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always
said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how
to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."Then, after a few minutes, God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
What did God say after he created man?..... I can do better than this, so he created
woman.
Adam and Eve are walking out of the garden. Adam looks at Eve and says," Babe I
guess you know you just eat us out of house and home".
How is it that King Solomon was considered a wise man when he has 1000 mother-in-laws!
God created Adam first. His first model. Then God created Eve second...a later model
and definitely looks better and lasts longer.
Everyone one know's that God made Adam (the man) before Eve (the woman). B/c all great
artist's make a roughf draft before they make a masterpiece.
EVANGELIST and the KISS note:
One Sunday morning a church was to begin a revival. As customary the evangelist sat
next to the pastor on the first pew of the church. The evangelist's child walked up to the
pew and handed a note to the evanglist and said "It's from Mom". The preacher
couldn't help but glimpse over at the note. The note consisted of only one word. KISS. How
sweet the pastor told the evangelist. It is great to have a wife that will back you.
Sweet? Replied the evanglist! You misunderstand this note doesn't mean kiss it is a note
from wife saying "Keep It Short Stupid"(KISS)
Adam and God were walking in the garden one day and Adam said to God, 'God, why did you
make Eve so beautiful?' God answered, 'So you'd like her, Adam.' They walked on.... And
Adam said, 'God, why did you give her such lovely lips?' And God said, 'So you'd like her,
Adam. They walked on.... And Adam said, 'God why did you give her such a beautiful
figure?' and God said, 'So you'd like her Adam.' And they walked on... Then Adam said,
'God, why did you give her such a little brain? And God said, 'So she'd like you, Adam!'
TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would
never ask directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men
don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and
therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to
bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his
tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up
getting himself in trouble.
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and
said, "I can do better than that."
One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden
is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely
sometimes."
"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion.
He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be
perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding you're feelings, will tend to think
only of himself if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."
"What's bowling?" Eve asked. "Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of
myself, sorry."
"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied. "Great, I'll
get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it. Suddenly,
the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm
making for you." "What's that?" asked Eve.
"You'll have to tell him he was here first."
A man bought a new convertable sports car and decided to take out on the highway. It
was a great evening for a drive and he decided to see what his new car could do. He pushed
the accelerator until the needle read 80 mph. He soon spotted a set of blue lights
flashing in his mirror. "They can't catch me in this car." he thought. So he
pushed the accelerator further. The needle was between 90 and 100 mph. "This is
crazy" he though. "What am I doing?" After pulling over the police officer
came up to the car and asked for his license. He inspected the plates, the license and the
car. "Look", he said, "This is the end of my shift. It's been a long day,
and giving you a ticket would just mean more paper work for me." If you can give me a
good reason - one I've never heard - as to why you were trying to outrun me, I'll let you
go." The man thought a miniute and said... "Last month my wife left me for a
police officer. When I saw you behind me, I thought it was you trying to give her
back."
The officer replied,"You are free to leave."
Ole dies and arrives at the pearly gates. He finds himself standing in a long line. As
he gets closer he notices St. Peter standing at the gates with a clipboard asking people a
question, and then waving them into heaven. Coming closer still, he hears St. Peter asking
the people in front of him, "How do you spell God?" Everyone answers G-O-D and
goes in. Finally, its Ole's turn and St. Peter asks him the question. "G-O-D"
says Ole. Just then St. Peter's cell phone rings. After a moment on the phone St. Peter
tells him that he has to go to a staff meeting and to please ask the question for a while.
So Ole takes the clipboard. In a short while Ole's ex-wife Lena arrives. She says,
"Ole what are you doing here?" Ole explains that St. Peter had to go to a
meeting and left him to ask the question. "What's the question?", said Lena. Ole
replied, "How do you spell Albuquerque?"
A man and woman get married. They go on their honeymoon and return a week later. As
soon as they had time to settle in, the wife told her husband, "honey, sit down, and
I'll fix you a wonderful dinner." The man did as he was told, and the woman soon
called him. He sit down and was presented with, Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and
apple pie for desert. He thought, "My goodness, I must be the luckiest man in the
world."
The next day, the man went to work. When he arrived at home that evening, his wife
called to him, "honey, supper's on the table." Again the man could only smile
and think to himself, "I really made the right decision in marrying this woman."
He sat down and was presented with: Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for
desert. He thought, "well, this is strange, but who am I to complain."
The next day, a similar scene occurred. The man came home, and sat down. In came his
wife with two plates on which were (you guessed it): Steak, baked potatoe, green beans,
and apple pie for dessert. The man stood up, looked at his wife, and said, "King
James Version, Hebrews 13:8." He then stormed out of the room.
His wife thought for a moment, then went to the book case, and pulled down the old
tattered King James Bible. She opened to Hebrews 13:8 and read, "Jesus Christ, the
same yesterday, today, forever."
An old retired minister was talking to his fellow ministers about his life and
accomplishments. Someone asks him about his personal life. He tells them he's has been
married three times. "Really," they ask with renewed interest. "Yes,"
the minister continues, "I was married to my first wife for twenty-five years and God
took her. I re-married and my second marriage lasted for fifteen years and God took her.
Five years ago I married my third wife. God can take her anytime He wants!
Judgment Day arrives. God reviews the billions of people assembled, and says,
"Welcome to Heaven. Women, go with Saint Peter. Men, form two lines. One line shall
be men who dominated their women on Earth. The other line shall be men who were dominated
by their women." After much movement and shuffling, all the women are gone, and there
remain two lines of men. The line of men that were dominated by their women is hundreds,
perhaps thousands of miles long. The line of men that dominated women has but one man
standing. God reviews the two lines, points to the long line, and in a voice that echoes
angrily throughout Heaven says, "You men should be ashamed. I created you in MY
image, and you all were dominated by your mates. Behold! Only one of my sons stood up and
made me proud. You shall learn from him!" God turns to the one man standing, smiles,
and says, "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in that
line?" And the man says, "I don't know, Lord. My wife told me to stand
here."
One man to another: "I found out how to get my wife to listen to me when I
talk." "How?" asked the man. "Talk in my sleep!" Billy......
Four catholic ladies were having coffee. The first catholic woman tells her friends
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,
people call him 'Your Grace'." The third catholic crone says "My son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the
fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle
"Well...?" look, so she says "My son is 6'2"; he has broad square
shoulders; he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room,
women say 'Oh, my God...'."
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I
have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies. "Lord,
I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is
that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for
you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most
intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her
beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the
heavenly voice. "Sounds good to me!" exclaims Adam. "She will be, but this
is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?",
Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, a lung, an eye, and an ear." Adam
ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally
Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
A man died and went to heaven. Peter said, "we have a little quiz before you can
enter. Spell "dog." And the man proceeded to do so. A second man died and went
to heaven; Peter said, "we have a little quiz before you can enter, spell
'cat.'" And the man proceeded to do so. Then a female lawyer from New York died.
Peter said, "We have a quiz before you can enter." Whereupon the female lawyer
replied, "You male chauvenist pig!!! My whole life I have been discriminated
against!!! I come to heaven and you do this to me???" Peter replied, "Hey, its
simple...just spell Czechoslovakia!!!"
Know why the Israelites wandered for 40 years? They had a man leading...a woman would
have stopped and asked directions. (smile) A fellow female UMC pastor, LAP, WI
