A couple were married for 30 years, and on Valentines Day, they
were sitting at the breakfast table. He was burried behind his
newspaper, and except for the occasional: "unbelievable" he
muttered there was no conversation between the couple. So she
finally asked him straight out: "do you still love me?" He finally
puts down the newspaper and responds in a matter-of-factly tone:
"honey, 30 years ago at that altar I said that I did and if
anything changes, you'll be the first to know."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee.
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here
so you should do it."
The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replied, "Yeah, right!" So she showed him in the Bible
where it says: "HEBREWS"
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room
where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of
bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only
hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as
they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly
responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire
group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
mark down the price of the female brains, because... they've
actually been used!"
How Many men does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to hold the light bulb while the earth revoles around him.
Which is worse, a man who will not tell the truth or a woman
who will not let him get away with telling a lie?
A man was pulled over by a policeman and asked if he knew he
was going too fast. He said, " I'm sorry officer. I had my cruise
control on and just forgot the speed limit changed." His wife
said, "Harry, I told you two miles ago that you were speeding."
Harry gives his wife a dirty look as the officer pulls out his
ticket book.
"By the way, sir, did you know that your left rear signal lense
was broken?" the policeman asks, to which Harry replies, "Oh wow,
it must have just happened in the mall parking lot we just left."
His wife again interrupts and says, "Harry, how can you sit there
and lie to that nice policeman? I told you to fix that three weeks
ago!" Harry gives another look that could kill as the officer
starts writing.
The policeman adds,"I am going to have to cite you for not
wearing your seatbelt, also." Harry says,"I just unbuckled as you
came up to the car so I could get to my driver's license if you
needed it." The little lady pipes up, "Harry, you know good and
well, I tell you all the time that you better buckle up, 'cause
YOU NEVER WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!"
Having taken all he can stand Harry turns to his tormentor and
says with great exasperation, "Woman would keep your big mouth
shut!"
Now the officer looks at and addresses the little lady and
asks,"does he verbally abuse you like this often, ma'am?"
Says she, "Oh no, only when he has had one drink too many."
After God created man, he rested. But after God created woman,
neither God nor man rested.
Adam and Eve were enjoying another day in paradise, just lying
peacefully by a stream, when Eve asked Adam wht he was thinking.
"Oh, nothing, really" was his reply.
Suddenly, Eve jumped up and grabbed Adam. She began frantically
poking him in the chest. "Woman," Adam shouted, "just what do you
think you're doing?" Eve stared him dead in the eyes and shouted
back, "Be quiet! I'm counting your ribs!"
Understanding Women
A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep
prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me
the desires of my heart. Please give a confirmation that you will
grant my wish." Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in a
booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it
to be pure. I think that I can trust that you will not disappoint
me. Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one
wish." The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm
deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could
you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I
want?" The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of
the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very
materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for
me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one
you think would honor and glorify Me." After much thought, the man
said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always said that I was
insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand
women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I
want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's
my wish, Lord."Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two
lanes or four on that bridge?"
What did God say after he created man?..... I can do better
than this, so he created woman.
Adam and Eve are walking out of the garden. Adam looks at Eve
and says," Babe I guess you know you just eat us out of house and
home".
How is it that King Solomon was considered a wise man when he
has 1000 mother-in-laws!
God created Adam first. His first model. Then God created Eve
second...a later model and definitely looks better and lasts
longer.
Everyone one know's that God made Adam (the man) before Eve
(the woman). B/c all great artist's make a roughf draft before
they make a masterpiece.
EVANGELIST and the KISS note:
One Sunday morning a church was to begin a revival. As
customary the evangelist sat next to the pastor on the first pew
of the church. The evangelist's child walked up to the pew and
handed a note to the evanglist and said "It's from Mom". The
preacher couldn't help but glimpse over at the note. The note
consisted of only one word. KISS. How sweet the pastor told the
evangelist. It is great to have a wife that will back you. Sweet?
Replied the evanglist! You misunderstand this note doesn't mean
kiss it is a note from wife saying "Keep It Short Stupid"(KISS)
Adam and God were walking in the garden one day and Adam said
to God, 'God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?' God answered,
'So you'd like her, Adam.' They walked on.... And Adam said, 'God,
why did you give her such lovely lips?' And God said, 'So you'd
like her, Adam. They walked on.... And Adam said, 'God why did you
give her such a beautiful figure?' and God said, 'So you'd like
her Adam.' And they walked on... Then Adam said, 'God, why did you
give her such a little brain? And God said, 'So she'd like you,
Adam!'
TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because he knew men would never ask directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him
the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television,
they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the
seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment
for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would
have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able
to handle it.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he
put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He
only ends up getting himself in trouble.
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back,
scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said,
"Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide
such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes."
"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a
companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I
have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time
understanding you're feelings, will tend to think only of himself
if allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."
"What's bowling?" Eve asked. "Oh... never mind. I was just getting
ahead of myself, sorry."
"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied.
"Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some
mud and shaping it. Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve,
"Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you."
"What's that?" asked Eve.
"You'll have to tell him he was here first."
A man bought a new convertable sports car and decided to take
out on the highway. It was a great evening for a drive and he
decided to see what his new car could do. He pushed the
accelerator until the needle read 80 mph. He soon spotted a set of
blue lights flashing in his mirror. "They can't catch me in this
car." he thought. So he pushed the accelerator further. The needle
was between 90 and 100 mph. "This is crazy" he though. "What am I
doing?" After pulling over the police officer came up to the car
and asked for his license. He inspected the plates, the license
and the car. "Look", he said, "This is the end of my shift. It's
been a long day, and giving you a ticket would just mean more
paper work for me." If you can give me a good reason - one I've
never heard - as to why you were trying to outrun me, I'll let you
go." The man thought a miniute and said... "Last month my wife
left me for a police officer. When I saw you behind me, I thought
it was you trying to give her back."
The officer replied,"You are free to leave."
Ole dies and arrives at the pearly gates. He finds himself
standing in a long line. As he gets closer he notices St. Peter
standing at the gates with a clipboard asking people a question,
and then waving them into heaven. Coming closer still, he hears
St. Peter asking the people in front of him, "How do you spell
God?" Everyone answers G-O-D and goes in. Finally, its Ole's turn
and St. Peter asks him the question. "G-O-D" says Ole. Just then
St. Peter's cell phone rings. After a moment on the phone St.
Peter tells him that he has to go to a staff meeting and to please
ask the question for a while. So Ole takes the clipboard. In a
short while Ole's ex-wife Lena arrives. She says, "Ole what are
you doing here?" Ole explains that St. Peter had to go to a
meeting and left him to ask the question. "What's the question?",
said Lena. Ole replied, "How do you spell Albuquerque?"
A man and woman get married. They go on their honeymoon and
return a week later. As soon as they had time to settle in, the
wife told her husband, "honey, sit down, and I'll fix you a
wonderful dinner." The man did as he was told, and the woman soon
called him. He sit down and was presented with, Steak, baked
potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for desert. He thought, "My
goodness, I must be the luckiest man in the world."
The next day, the man went to work. When he arrived at home
that evening, his wife called to him, "honey, supper's on the
table." Again the man could only smile and think to himself, "I
really made the right decision in marrying this woman." He sat
down and was presented with: Steak, baked potatoe, green beans,
and apple pie for desert. He thought, "well, this is strange, but
who am I to complain."
The next day, a similar scene occurred. The man came home, and
sat down. In came his wife with two plates on which were (you
guessed it): Steak, baked potatoe, green beans, and apple pie for
dessert. The man stood up, looked at his wife, and said, "King
James Version, Hebrews 13:8." He then stormed out of the room.
His wife thought for a moment, then went to the book case, and
pulled down the old tattered King James Bible. She opened to
Hebrews 13:8 and read, "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today,
forever."
An old retired minister was talking to his fellow ministers
about his life and accomplishments. Someone asks him about his
personal life. He tells them he's has been married three times.
"Really," they ask with renewed interest. "Yes," the minister
continues, "I was married to my first wife for twenty-five years
and God took her. I re-married and my second marriage lasted for
fifteen years and God took her. Five years ago I married my third
wife. God can take her anytime He wants!
Judgment Day arrives. God reviews the billions of people
assembled, and says, "Welcome to Heaven. Women, go with Saint
Peter. Men, form two lines. One line shall be men who dominated
their women on Earth. The other line shall be men who were
dominated by their women." After much movement and shuffling, all
the women are gone, and there remain two lines of men. The line of
men that were dominated by their women is hundreds, perhaps
thousands of miles long. The line of men that dominated women has
but one man standing. God reviews the two lines, points to the
long line, and in a voice that echoes angrily throughout Heaven
says, "You men should be ashamed. I created you in MY image, and
you all were dominated by your mates. Behold! Only one of my sons
stood up and made me proud. You shall learn from him!" God turns
to the one man standing, smiles, and says, "Tell them, my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in that line?" And the man says,
"I don't know, Lord. My wife told me to stand here."
One man to another: "I found out how to get my wife to listen
to me when I talk." "How?" asked the man. "Talk in my sleep!"
Billy......
Four catholic ladies were having coffee. The first catholic
woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second catholic woman
chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people
call him 'Your Grace'." The third catholic crone says "My son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your
Eminence'." Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so
she says "My son is 6'2"; he has broad square shoulders; he's
terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a
room, women say 'Oh, my God...'."
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam
calls out, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?",
The Lord replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided
for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that,
Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman'
will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful
creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she
can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and
earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and
desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the
heavenly voice. "Sounds good to me!" exclaims Adam. "She will be,
but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman'
cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, a
lung, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a
look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks
the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
A man died and went to heaven. Peter said, "we have a little
quiz before you can enter. Spell "dog." And the man proceeded to
do so. A second man died and went to heaven; Peter said, "we have
a little quiz before you can enter, spell 'cat.'" And the man
proceeded to do so. Then a female lawyer from New York died. Peter
said, "We have a quiz before you can enter." Whereupon the female
lawyer replied, "You male chauvinist pig!!! My whole life I have
been discriminated against!!! I come to heaven and you do this to
me???" Peter replied, "Hey, its simple...just spell
Czechoslovakia!!!"
Know why the Israelites wandered for 40 years? They had a man
leading...a woman would have stopped and asked directions. (smile)
A fellow female UMC pastor, LAP, WI
