Pastor's Life Jokes

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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

The Parable of a Pastor

In the Philippines, there was a pastor who went to town and upon reaching
the town plaza, he saw that there was a contest and the town Mayor was
calling for the contestants.  When the prize of One Thousand (P1,000) pesos
was announced, the Pastor was encouraged to join.  The contest is divided
into three aspects:  (1.)  To make the carabao or the water buffalo laugh; 
(2.) To make the carabao or the water buffalo cry; and  (3.)  To make the
carabao or the water buffalo run fast.

There were 3 contestants including the pastor.  The first contestant that
was called to try his ability was the Farmer.  He tickled the carabao all
over its body to make it laughed but to no avail.  The Farmer hit the
carabao with a stick, but it did not cry.  Then, he even tried more harder
to hit the carabao from behind with a stick but it did not run away.

So, the next contestant was called in who was a Veterinary Doctor.  He
applied medicine to make the carabao laugh but it did not work.  He took
another ointment and apply it on the carabao's eyes to make it cry but
it did not shed a tear.  The Veterinarian held up high to the
carabao's mouth a bundle of grass going away from the carabao so that
the carabao would run after him to eat the grass, but the carabao remained
motionless.

Finally, the third contestant was called and it was the Pastor.  He was so
pressured as the crowd were shouting and cheering for him while some others
mocked him, yelling that if the farmer and the veterinarian who were more
familiar with the carabao were not able to succeed how much more will he.

The Pastor prayed silently, and then he whispered something to the carabao
and to everyone&'s amazement, the carabao laughed with all his saliva
flowing in his lips.  The Pastor again whispered and suddenly tears fell
down the carabao's eyes about half cup of measure.  Lastly, the Pastor
whispered for the third time on the carabao's ears and immediately
everyone in the audience scamper to run for safety as the carabao run in any
direction looking for a way out of the fence of the town plaza, finds the
door and ran away as fast as it could.  There was a standing ovation and
great applause for the winner.

But before the prize was awarded to the Pastor, the town Mayor asked him
what he did that made the carabao laughed, cried and ran away that fast. 
Without much a do, the Pastor answered, "Well, first I introduced
myself that I am a Pastor and a typical pastor has flock and sheep dogs. 
Being a Pastor or a shepherd, I diligently do the tasks that I was called
for which to feed the sheep with the Word of God, love and pray for them,
heal the wounds of the injured, guard them against the wolves, guide them so
that they will not go astray.  I taught them to love God with all their
heart, love one another. The carabao laughed as he saw the shoes of the
pastor with wide open mouth as if hungry of love.

Then, I told the carabao, that as pastor, I sometimes got hurt when the
sheep dog bark at me instead to the wolves and there are times when the
sheep dog and her puppy bit me.  Sometimes, there are antagonistic church
leaders, some criticized the pastor, some wants to make their own rules,
some do not support the vision and the mission of the Church instead some
want to put their own rules. If the pastor exposes sin, they call it
personal and rebel against the truth and they went church hopping. Then, I
told the carabao that I have a wife and four children to feed with a monthly
share of money from the Church tithes and offerings.  That my family faces
hardship in life, specially sending my children to school and, my family is
only sustain by the grace of God and the carabao cried.

Finally, I asked the carabao if he wants to become a pastor.  The
carabao ran away so fast."  So, the town Mayor handed to the Pastor the
prize.

Erwin Pilla
Philippines
eopilla1@hotmail.com
 

submitted by Rita S.

Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give.   We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions.   We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building  projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished.  With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
 
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one.  May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact,  unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
 
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill, farewell offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

A very innovative liturgy director, a religious sister, danced the offertory procession in 'attractive' costumes and playing the banjo. The bishop was presiding on this occasion of the pastor's golden jubilee. As the "dancer" approached the altar the bishop whispered to the pastor: "If she asked for your head on a platter, she'd have it!"

A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.

Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't heaven!"

When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have paper, they say that you were not prepared!

A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways." One man in the back began to laugh. So the pastor said it again louder. The man continued to laugh. The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"

A pastor was serving communion in a multicultural church. He was using "Pita Bread" for the loaf. when he got to serve to an Hispanic young girl, she said to him aloud: "I don't like flour tortilla, I like corn tortilla, Sir."

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him.............. and cried too.

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Three boys were arguing about whose Dad was the greatest. The Doctor's lad claimed his dad was the greatest because he was the richest. The other two boys said almost simultaneously, "how do you figure that?" The Doc's youngster said clearly, "folks will pay anything for my dad to make 'em well." The Lawyer's lad said, "yeah but my dad is richer than yours. My dad says your dad keeps doing something called malpractice and if he keeps it up he will have everything your dad owns and then some,like all the other doctors in town, so he is richer than your dad." Well the preacher's kid couldn't contain his pride any longer and proclaimed, "My dad is richer than both your dads." "Well," the doctor's kid inquired, "How do you figure that?" "Well," said the pk, "he owns hell, and let's face it, folks would pay everything they own and then some to avoid hell." "Well," cross examined the sharp-as-a-tack attorney's child, "how did your dad get to own hell?" "Its like this," the young pk replied, "my dad came home from the Board Meeting last!"

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion with a twist.  When it came time to uncover the elements the grape juice looked darker than usual.  I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discoverd why the stange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a Divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering. "Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us." Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

Joke

A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had just had an operation.As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed.He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave.When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts."Sister Jones,"he said" I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts."She replied "That's okay pastor,I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them."

Joke

My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic Priest and wanted to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going well, but when he asked if his Father had been a Priest, the conversation was over.

Joke

A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No." said he, "they live two farms down."

"No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years."

"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"

"When is it?" "It could be today or tomorrow."

"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"

A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach. He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".
"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

ON TITHING:
A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde,wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).    Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "good morning, Father; good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"   "Oh Father, don't you recognize me?. ................ I'm Sister Kathryn"

A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I need a priest!"    Another man came along and asked what was wrong.  The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying"  The man said, "There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help."  "I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time.  I think that I can say it for you."  The dying man says, "Thank You." The helpful man leans close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeats the ritual as he has heard it so many times:   "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ..." (Bingo)

A PREACHER ONCE PREACHED ABOUT  THE DANGER OF DRINKING
BEER AND HE SHOWED THE CONGREGATION A CLEAR GLASS WITH A
PIECE OF LIVER INSIDE AND POURED BEER INSIDE AND LET THEM
WATCH WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR LIVER IF YOU DRANK. THERE
WAS A LITTLE DRUNK IN THE VERY LAST BENCH THAT STOOD UP
AND SAID "OH MY, I'LL NEVER EAT LIVER AGAIN.

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.
"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of asses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"

This preacher visited a home for the elderly where he met this particular lady and they had a long discussion, there was this jar of peanuts on the night stand by the old lady bed,the preacher decided that he would unscrew the top and eat a few,as they talked he kept eating, until he had ate almost all of the lady peanuts
and as he prepared to leave he offered to pay the lady for her peanuts,the lady said no you don't owe me anything,the preacher kept insisting that she let him pay her, the old lady reply was, I'm through with that jar anyway,because I have licked all of the chocolate off of them.

Three friends decided to go hunting together.  One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.  As they were walking, along came a big buck.  The three of them shot simultaneously.  Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.  Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.  Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.  5 minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was.    The doctor told him their reason for the debate.  The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.  5 seconds later he said he knew who shot the buck.  He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"    They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.  The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Three preachers were spending some time on the lake relaxing and trying to get some rest, when one of the ministers volunteered that he had a confession to make.
   The preacher confessed that he had a problem with alcohol.  He felt that he needed to share his problem with his closet friends in hopes that they would help.
    Second preacher while trying to console the first said that he too, had a secret weekness.  He liked to smoke cigars every once in a while.
     The third preacher annouced that since they were sharing there secret faults that he had a problem with gossip.

There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Bapist minister.  One day the priest went to get a hair cut.  After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him.    The barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."   So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.
Well the rabbi came for a hair cut.  Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."  So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.
Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut.  Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."
Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she askes him why he did that, he explained,"I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon. His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well daddy, Why doesn't he do it?"

What do they call preachers in Germany?
German Shepherds

These three preachers were fishing. A baptist,a methodist, and a presbyterian. They decided to confess thier faults to one another. The baptist said "wee my only fault is I like the drink... yep I hit the bottle quite often." The methodist confessed ''well my shortcoming is that I do chase the women, but that's my only fault." And finally the presbyterian spoke out gleafully 'my fault and I know it is that I tell everything I know. And I can't wait to get back to town to tell about what I just heard from y'all...

The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.  The former pastor says, "I left three envelopes in your desk.  If you have any trouble, open them."  Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.  Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.    He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.  It says, "You haven't been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.  Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it."  So the young preacher did that and it worked well.

He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.  Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.  So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: "You did something to make the deacons mad and there's talk of replacing you.  Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they do."  He tried this, and again it worked great.

You guesed it.  After three years, he finally told the women's organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women's group being present.  This put the women's organization in open revolt.  So he went back to that third and final envelope: "You've been here about three years and you finally got the women's organization mad.  The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes ... "

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
 director to hold a grave side committal service at a
 small local cemetery for someone with no family or
 friends.
 
 The preacher started early but quickly got himself
 lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour
 late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen
 were eating lunch.
 
 The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault
 lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the
 service.
 
 As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
 workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic
 tank."

An old time circut riding preacher  found himself in need of money and decided to sell his horse and buggy. As he completed te deal he remarked to the blacksmith,"This is not an ordinary horse". Since he has been owned and driven by a man of the cloth all his life he does not respond to the commands of whoa or giddy-up. When you want this horse to stop you must say AMEN. When you want him to go you must say PRAISE THE LORD! Later that day the Blacksmith decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he was. While trotting down the road the horse was startled by a snake and bolted. Wildly they headed across a field full speed toward a cliff.In a panic the poor Blacksmith was shouting WHOA>>>STOP when he remembered the preachers instructions and let out a loud AMEN! The horse stopped just at the edge of a thousand foot cliff, stones tumbled out into space. Releaved the Blacksmith wiped his brow and exclaimed "PRAISE THE LORD"

Two men were marooned on an Island.  One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.  The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we are about to die."  "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week.  My Pastor will find me."

One pastor asked another pastor, "If you were a monkey what would you want to be called?""I dont know",one pastor said."The other one said "monk."

Actual ad in the Drogheda Independant ! FOR SALE BY Pastor. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows freakin' everything.

Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his congregation. He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had a loving wife..who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3 perfect children.........However..............Pastor Bob always left town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour. LIke clockwork. Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's curious schedule and began to ask questions. They went to the PPR Committee with their concerns. "Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?" Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the D.S. The D.S. didn't want to touch it....so he went to the Bishop. Finally after prayer and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him at 2:00 that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After sitting there quietly for some time.......a beautiful silver train streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the Bishop and said,"Isn't that a beautiful sight?" "Yes," the Bishop agreed, "that is a beautiful sight. And is this where you come every afternoon?" "Yes," said Pastor Bob. "I come here to be inspired. It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!!"

Our pastor's wife kept all her lacy things in one drawer, including her Sunday shawl.

This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s. A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.  One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.  As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.  Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”  The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.  When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.” This startled the dozing man.  Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, “I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”

well, after the last "go-round" with the committee, I realized I have much in common with Balaam. I have to bless my enemies and take advice from an a...donkey.

The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news." The congregation got quiet.

"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said. The congregation groaned.

"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof." A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.

"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"

There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated leaving the pastorate.

The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.

Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor."

"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"

"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."

The Preacher And The Music Director

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

The minister had been in his church for 30 years. Everyone loved him dearly but all thought it was time for him to move on. One Sunday he announced that he had received a Call from another parish and he believed it was from the Lord so he was going to leave. Before he could say anything else the Church Secretary jumped and announced, "We will now sing "What a friend we have in Jesus.""

For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church these are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring. 5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I'm older. 8. I really don't have the time. 9. The bathroom isn't warm enough. 10.People who make soap are only after your money.

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identifica- tion. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.

The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.

The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?"

"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops".

The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 19th century." Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 20th century?" The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Three ministers were sitting around the table discussing how they might get rid of the bats they had in their respective church bell towers. The first remarked that he had attempted to shoot them. Some had been killed by the shot but, it left holes in the roof and now he had leaks as well as bats. The second said he had tried netting them and driving them out into the country. He complained the bats returned before he did. The third said he had solved his problem. The others asked with interest how? The third minister replied, "I baptized them and confirmed them and I haven't seen them since.

Burglar: "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money". Vicar: "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you".

A Bishop visited a parish to administer the sacrament of Confirmation. The Pastor, a young progressive, approved a liturgical dance during the Mass and the Bishop was not advised. During the dance a young lady in flowing robes floated across the sanctuary and in the middle of the dance she presented the Bishop with a rose. As she continued her dance the Bishop leaned over to the Pastor and wispered: "You know of course that if she asks for your head - she will get it."

The Old Preacher was out fishing one afternoon when he heard a noise beside him. He looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher smiled, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A little later, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said to him again, this time with exasperation, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. A little later he checked on the frog again. This time it said, "What's wrong with you, fella. I said I've been bewitched. Just kiss me and I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and said, "Frog, I hate to tell you this, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!"

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead." The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

Frank Schaefer for , 10 March 2007