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A Pastor's Life
Selected Jokes for Pastor Appreciation Month:
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When
I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the
poorest preachers we've ever had."
The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor
of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century."
Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?"
The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."
Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad
News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way
you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also
formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs.
Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and
"Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad
News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad
News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News:
He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a
surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they
are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your
Actual ad in the Drogheda Independant ! FOR SALE BY Pastor.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows freakin' everything.
A story about a new lector who had just learned all the
letters written by St. Paul from a liturgy seminar. One Sunday he
was assigned to read the second reading. With all great feeling of
confidence, he said with a loud, well modulated voice: "A second
reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Philippines! (instead to
Fr. Ed, fort lee, NJ
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose
daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he
is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is
pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The
third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns
hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board
gave it to him!"
How to Address Inmates
A pastor just fresh from Bible College, was invited to speak at a
chapel service in a prison.
He was very excited but being his very first time, he was very
nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On
the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of
prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood
behind the pulpit, he said, ‘Good morning. It’s so good to see you
A Bishop had a dread of getting leprosy. He had
read that the early signs are loss of feeling in the limbs, and was
always pinching his legs, and if it hurt, he was reassured.
On one occasion at a dinner he reached under
the table and pinched his leg. He couldn't feel a thing. He pinched
it again - harder this time. Still no sensation.
The Bishop visibly blanched and blurted out, "
Oh, no ! I've got it ! "
" You've got what ? "
" I've got leprosy ! "
" But how do you know ? "
" Well, one of the early signs is loss of
feeling in the leg. I've just pinched my leg twice and I didn't feel
a thing ! "
A young lady sitting next to him remarked, " It
was my leg you were pinching, Bishop. "
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister
asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just
as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Three preachers were driving down the road when
they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled
themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all
"Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.
The drunk thought that over for a minute.
"Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill
submitted by Rita S.
Report from the Pastor Search Committee:
We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is
ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the
had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000,
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative.
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach
Sunday in view of a call.
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to
spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed
around for a goodwill, farewell offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor
didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that
I got my hat back from this congregation."
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor
was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250
dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and
then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan
was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy
it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that
kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied
his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here,
A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50
mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some
time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The
pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the
congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would
be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I
would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit
won't move you--the prune juice will!"
A very innovative liturgy director, a religious sister, danced
the offertory procession in 'attractive' costumes and playing the
banjo. The bishop was presiding on this occasion of the pastor's
golden jubilee. As the "dancer" approached the altar the bishop
whispered to the pastor: "If she asked for your head on a platter,
she'd have it!"
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the
altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The
next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough,
18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the
first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of
them got up after he was done.
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven
wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't
When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just
reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T
have paper, they say that you were not prepared!
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and
he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if
they don't change their ways." One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder. The man continued to laugh. The
pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He
answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
A pastor was serving communion in a multicultural church. He was
using "Pita Bread" for the loaf. when he got to serve to an Hispanic
young girl, she said to him aloud: "I don't like flour tortilla, I
like corn tortilla, Sir."
Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a
lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down
the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and
healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man
sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was
wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"
Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him..............
and cried too.
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest
rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him
why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there
he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push
Three boys were arguing about whose Dad was the greatest. The
Doctor's lad claimed his dad was the greatest because he was the
richest. The other two boys said almost simultaneously, "how do you
figure that?" The Doc's youngster said clearly, "folks will pay
anything for my dad to make 'em well." The Lawyer's lad said, "yeah
but my dad is richer than yours. My dad says your dad keeps doing
something called malpractice and if he keeps it up he will have
everything your dad owns and then some,like all the other doctors in
town, so he is richer than your dad." Well the preacher's kid
couldn't contain his pride any longer and proclaimed, "My dad is
richer than both your dads." "Well," the doctor's kid inquired, "How
do you figure that?" "Well," said the pk, "he owns hell, and let's
face it, folks would pay everything they own and then some to avoid
hell." "Well," cross examined the sharp-as-a-tack attorney's child,
"how did your dad get to own hell?" "Its like this," the young pk
replied, "my dad came home from the Board Meeting last!"
One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion
with a twist. When it came time to uncover the elements the grape
juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began
to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each
recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for
me to receive I discoverd why the stange looks...the juice was prune
juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a Divine commentary
on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local
tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the
tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm
clouds which were gathering. "Preacher," the organizer said, "I
trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us." Our
pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not
A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had
just had an operation.As he was sitting there talking with her, he
noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed.He began to
eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave.When he got up he
noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts."Sister Jones,"he said" I'm
sorry I ate all of your peanuts."She replied "That's okay pastor,I
already sucked all of the chocolate off of them."
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic Priest
and wanted to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and
felt it was going well, but when he asked if his Father had been a
Priest, the conversation was over.
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian
family?" "No." said he, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?" "It could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My
wife will probably want to go both days!"
A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people
turned up to hear him peach. He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice
of my visit?".
"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and
his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they
arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit,
one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands,
sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no
one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and
flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his
final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given
them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They
both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,
covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions
after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street
where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why
he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St.
Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that
they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they
headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the
beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach
chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop
dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward
them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she
turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning, Father; good
morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she
recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more
outrageous outfits -these were so loud, you could hear them before
you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous
blonde,wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them
again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were
about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually: "good morning, Father; good morning,
Father" and started to walk away. One of the priest couldn't stand
it and said, "just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and
proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me?. ................ I'm Sister
A man lay dying and he began to yell out, "I need a priest, I
need a priest!" Another man came along and asked what was wrong.
The dying man said, "I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm
dying" The man said, "There are no priests around here, but maybe I
can help." "I'm not a religious person myself, but I have lived
next to the Catholic church my whole life and I hear their ritual
all the time. I think that I can say it for you." The dying man
says, "Thank You." The helpful man leans close to the dying man and
in a soft voice repeats the ritual as he has heard it so many
times: "B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ..." (Bingo)
A PREACHER ONCE PREACHED ABOUT THE DANGER OF DRINKING
BEER AND HE SHOWED THE CONGREGATION A CLEAR GLASS WITH A
PIECE OF LIVER INSIDE AND POURED BEER INSIDE AND LET THEM
WATCH WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOUR LIVER IF YOU DRANK. THERE
WAS A LITTLE DRUNK IN THE VERY LAST BENCH THAT STOOD UP
AND SAID "OH MY, I'LL NEVER EAT LIVER AGAIN.
The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes
on the table.
"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a
congregation of asses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them
This preacher visited a home for the elderly where he met this
particular lady and they had a long discussion, there was this jar
of peanuts on the night stand by the old lady bed,the preacher
decided that he would unscrew the top and eat a few,as they talked
he kept eating, until he had ate almost all of the lady peanuts
and as he prepared to leave he offered to pay the lady for her
peanuts,the lady said no you don't owe me anything,the preacher kept
insisting that she let him pay her, the old lady reply was, I'm
through with that jar anyway,because I have licked all of the
chocolate off of them.
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer,
one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along
came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously.
Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up
to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching it they found out
that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate
followed concerning whose buck it was. 5 minutes later a game
officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told
him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would
take a look and tell them who shot it. 5 seconds later he said he
knew who shot the buck. He said with much confidence, "The pastor
shot the buck!" They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.
The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the
Three preachers were spending some time on the lake relaxing and
trying to get some rest, when one of the ministers volunteered that
he had a confession to make.
The preacher confessed that he had a problem with alcohol. He
felt that he needed to share his problem with his closet friends in
hopes that they would help.
Second preacher while trying to console the first said that he
too, had a secret weekness. He liked to smoke cigars every once in
The third preacher annouced that since they were sharing there
secret faults that he had a problem with gossip.
There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Bapist minister.
One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his
hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, "Oh no, I
will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day when
the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank
Well the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no,
I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day the
barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank
Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber
said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."
Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found
10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed
his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the
pulpit to preach. When she askes him why he did that, he
explained,"I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon. His
daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Well daddy, Why
doesn't he do it?"
What do they call preachers in Germany?
These three preachers were fishing. A baptist,a methodist, and a
presbyterian. They decided to confess thier faults to one another.
The baptist said "wee my only fault is I like the drink... yep I hit
the bottle quite often." The methodist confessed ''well my
shortcoming is that I do chase the women, but that's my only fault."
And finally the presbyterian spoke out gleafully 'my fault and I
know it is that I tell everything I know. And I can't wait to get
back to town to tell about what I just heard from y'all...
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes
across the former pastor, taking his items out. The former pastor
says, "I left three envelopes in your desk. If you have any
trouble, open them." Well, of course the new preacher thinks he
will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he
tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible
School. Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there
is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor. He remembers the
envelopes and opens the first one. It says, "You haven't been here
long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School;
now everyone is mad. Tell everyone that the former preacher had
told you this was how you preferred to do it." So the young
preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change
the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that
rotated annually. Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they
were the ones who made his salary recommendation. So he went back
to the drawer and got the second envelope: "You did something to
make the deacons mad and there's talk of replacing you. Tell them
this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they
wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they
do." He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guesed it. After three years, he finally told the women's
organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so
that it could be used without a representative from the women's
group being present. This put the women's organization in open
revolt. So he went back to that third and final envelope: "You've
been here about three years and you finally got the women's
organization mad. The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
director to hold a grave side committal service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
The preacher started early but quickly got himself
lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour
late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen
were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault
lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic
An old time circut riding preacher found himself in need of
money and decided to sell his horse and buggy. As he completed te
deal he remarked to the blacksmith,"This is not an ordinary horse".
Since he has been owned and driven by a man of the cloth all his
life he does not respond to the commands of whoa or giddy-up. When
you want this horse to stop you must say AMEN. When you want him to
go you must say PRAISE THE LORD! Later that day the Blacksmith
decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he was. While
trotting down the road the horse was startled by a snake and bolted.
Wildly they headed across a field full speed toward a cliff.In a
panic the poor Blacksmith was shouting WHOA>>>STOP when he
remembered the preachers instructions and let out a loud AMEN! The
horse stopped just at the edge of a thousand foot cliff, stones
tumbled out into space. Releaved the Blacksmith wiped his brow and
exclaimed "PRAISE THE LORD"
Two men were marooned on an Island. One man pased back and forth
worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning
himself. The first man said to the second man, "arn't you afraid we
are about to die." "No," said the second man, "for you see I make
$100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My
Pastor will find me."
One pastor asked another pastor, "If you were a monkey what would
you want to be called?""I dont know",one pastor said."The other one
Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his
congregation. He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had
a loving wife..who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3
perfect children.........However..............Pastor Bob always left
town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour. LIke
clockwork. Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's
curious schedule and began to ask questions. They went to the PPR
Committee with their concerns. "Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend
in the neighboring town?" Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to
confront him on their own, they went to the D.S. The D.S. didn't
want to touch it....so he went to the Bishop. Finally after prayer
and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about
his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him
at 2:00 that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the
small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After
sitting there quietly for some time.......a beautiful silver train
streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the
Bishop and said,"Isn't that a beautiful sight?" "Yes," the Bishop
agreed, "that is a beautiful sight. And is this where you come every
afternoon?" "Yes," said Pastor Bob. "I come here to be inspired. It
is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!!"
Our pastor's wife kept all her lacy things in one drawer,
including her Sunday shawl.
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s. A
preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to
church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday
the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to
preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the
preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand
up.” The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the
sleeping man. When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top
of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.” This
startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked
around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, “I don’t
know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only
ones in favor of it.”
well, after the last "go-round" with the committee, I realized I
have much in common with Balaam. I have to bless my enemies and take
advice from an a...donkey.
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad
news, I have good news, and I have more bad news." The congregation
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.
The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof." A sigh
of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting
out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their
satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or
her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council
meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the
Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the
worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call
possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated
leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president
said,"Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you
to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves."
With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat.
"Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council
has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor."
"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me,
that' a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to
"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we
wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have
to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to
not having a pastor."
The Preacher And The Music Director
There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music
were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over
into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all
should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director
lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."
The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all
should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the
song "Jesus Paid it All."
The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we
should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I
Love to Tell the Story."
With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over
the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he
was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not
As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week
he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it
was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song
"What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The
seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
The minister had been in his church for 30 years. Everyone loved
him dearly but all thought it was time for him to move on. One
Sunday he announced that he had received a Call from another parish
and he believed it was from the Lord so he was going to leave.
Before he could say anything else the Church Secretary jumped and
announced, "We will now sing "What a friend we have in Jesus.""
For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church these
are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a
child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're
cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could
never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring.
5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'll start washing when I'm older. 8. I really don't have the
time. 9. The bathroom isn't warm enough. 10.People who make soap are
only after your money.
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants
pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his
shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the
buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe
soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of
his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash
along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the
holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identifica-
tion. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister
of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to
a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving
such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied,
"Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or
wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."
A young curate went to a conference at which most of the
gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of
the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps
that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the
dining room as often as possible.
The curate thought that it was about time he did something about
this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange
dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few
moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you
"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the
fire for bishops".
Three ministers were sitting around the table discussing how they
might get rid of the bats they had in their respective church bell
towers. The first remarked that he had attempted to shoot them. Some
had been killed by the shot but, it left holes in the roof and now
he had leaks as well as bats. The second said he had tried netting
them and driving them out into the country. He complained the bats
returned before he did. The third said he had solved his problem.
The others asked with interest how? The third minister replied, "I
baptized them and confirmed them and I haven't seen them since.
Burglar: "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money".
Vicar: "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you".
A Bishop visited a parish to administer the sacrament of
Confirmation. The Pastor, a young progressive, approved a liturgical
dance during the Mass and the Bishop was not advised. During the
dance a young lady in flowing robes floated across the sanctuary and
in the middle of the dance she presented the Bishop with a rose. As
she continued her dance the Bishop leaned over to the Pastor and
wispered: "You know of course that if she asks for your head - she
will get it."
The Old Preacher was out fishing one afternoon when he heard a
noise beside him. He looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him.
The frog said, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss
me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for
the rest of your life." The Old Preacher smiled, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket. A little later, he looked into his pocket
to see how the frog was doing. The frog said to him again, this time
with exasperation, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll
kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy
for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and kept on
fishing. A little later he checked on the frog again. This time it
said, "What's wrong with you, fella. I said I've been bewitched.
Just kiss me and I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make
you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life." The Old
Preacher just smiled and said, "Frog, I hate to tell you this, but
at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog than a beautiful
clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard.
He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of
it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department,
and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In
desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what
should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why
bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the
dead." The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I
should at least notify the next-of-kin."