Pearly Gate Jokes
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An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.
After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.
The businessman glances at her and said. Do you really believe those stuff in
the Bible is true?
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one
who got swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"
"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in
heaven someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because
he went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.
Pearly Gates?
Over the massive, carved front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The
Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use
other entrance."
Joke
A man had just had a severe heart opperation and as he was coming to a nun
was holding his hand and gently patting it. We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate
to ask at a time like this but do you have insurance?" "No mam, he
replied."
"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No mam," he replied
again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a spinster
sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she is no
spinster, she is married to God!" "Well send the bill to my
Brother-in-law," he replied.
Joke
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when
some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've something to
tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I
died and went to hell." "It might be worse," said the preacher.
The friend came unglued: "man alive, how could it be worse?" to
which the pastor replied: "it might be true."
Joke
three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter meet them at
the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here is your reward."
after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed him to a extremely unattractive
woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a stone." Saint
Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same thing for the exact same reason.
He was asked the same question and answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy
and said, "Welcome to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was
immediately handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the other
two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was, were outraged. "How
come he gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with these? We can name a few things
that he did that were worse than ours!" Saint Peter said, "When she was five she
killed a bird with a stone."
Joke
A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their wedding. When they
arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if there was anything he could do to make
being in heaven even more pleasant. So they explained about dying the day before their
wedding and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven. "No problem," said
St Peter, "leave it with me."
A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the wedding.
"Everything is being arranged," he assured them.
Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They reminded him about the
wedding and said, "We know that in heaven, time is of no consequence, but we have
been waiting over two hundred years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the
arrangements were made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing preventing us
from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a minister!"
Joke
A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his
life on earth - people swept him with broom, he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him
he is going to make his life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to
heaven. They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth - how they had to be
running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them he'll make
their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do
much walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them with skates. A
week later God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how
things were going. The cat says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that
you have been sending me are delicious !"
Joke
A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him heaven was getting
crowded so he had to test people with the point system. If he got to 100 points he could
enter. The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points.
The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point. The man,
desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a
point. By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in
by the grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"
Joke
A cute little interlude ...
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St. Peter says, "We only have one
rule...don't step on the ducks as they are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible to not step on a
duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the
biggest, ugliest woman he'd ever seen...
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this
ugly woman forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck...Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another
ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step
on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed,
very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.
The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?" And the
Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Joke
A man went on a vacation to Florida from their home in Alaska. He waits for his wife to
come the next day to stay with him. He tries to e-mail her trying to remember it. He
messes up, and instead his e-mail gets to a preacher's wife whose husband died the day
before. The message says: "Having fun, but it sure is hot down here. I cant wait for
your arrival here soon."
Joke
A good Christian engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell. Once there, he went to
work reorganizing everything. He installed air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration,
the works.
Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and angry message down to
Hell. "I request the immediate return of the engineer you have there. He belongs with
us!"...
"No way", replied the Devil, "here he came, here he
stays"...."If you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!" exclaimed God.
"And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"...came back the Devil.
Mary
Joke
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They
had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health
food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was
decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they
"oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They
would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green
fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of
the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's
free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked
timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and
you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I
could have been here ten years ago!
Joke
A teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer all die and end up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
meets them there and says "It's good to have you here, but we're a little over
crowded today. You'll each have to answer 1 question before I can let you in." Peter
turns to the teacher and says "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an
iceberg and sank in the early 1900s?" The teacher smiles and says "That's easy.
The Titanic." Peter lets her in. Then he turns to the doctor and says "How many
people died on the Titanic?" The doctor says "Well, that's a tricky one, but
luckily I just saw the movie, so I know. 1500." Peter lets the doctor in, too. Then
Peter turns to the lawyer and says "Name them."
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who
led him down the golden streets. They past mansions after beautiful mansions until
they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked
St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St.
Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
The pope arrived at the pearly Gates and St. Peter greeted him and quickly told him
that it was very difficult to get an audience with God. The Pope said he did not mind
because when he was alive he had the same problem. They chuckled together over this and
St. Peter said he realized the pope was probably anxious to know a few things judging from
the number of times he prayed for guidance. The pope agreed saying that he had a real
hankering to see the origional sriptures. So S. Peter showed him to the room where the
origional manuscripts were stored. He left the old gentlemen ther to search them out and
soon forgot all about him. A while later he heard a great wail coming from the room. St.
Peter went to investigate and found the Pope in an aweful sweat.St. Peter asked the Pope
what was wrong and this loud pitiful voice replie O NO! it says C-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e
not c-e-l-e-b-a-t-e!!!-
3 ministers and their wives were just coming back from a convention when they got in a
wreck and were all kiled. All 3 couples stood in line wating to get into heaven . St Peter
opened the books and said to the first man: I can see that you were a good man but had one
problem. You lusted after alcohol your whole life you never drank but your lust was so
strong you would never marry until you met a girl named Sherry. Sorry, you can't
come in. The second minister approached St Peter and he said: you were a good man, but it
says here you lusted after money and your lust was so strong that you would not marry
until you met a girl named Penny. Sorry, you cannot come in. The third minister
turned to his wife and said: come on Fanny, lets leave.
Three men arrived at the pearly gates. ST. Peter said to the first one, "Welcome,
I see in my book that you've led an upstanding life, honest, generous, loving, always
faithful to your wife. Congratulations, you will travel through heaven in a Cadillac. To
the second man, St. Peter said, "You've lived a respectable life, but oh dear, I see
that you've had an indescretionate relationship with your secretary. You'll be travelling
through heaven on a motorcycle. To the third man, St. Peter said. "However did you
get here?" "Beat's me" said the man, "I've lied, cheated and messed
around plenty." "Oh, well," replied St. Peter. "You're here, by the
grace of God. So I say that you may travel through heaven on a bicycle." The third
man was pleased with his luck, pedaling down the golden streets when he saw the first man
draped over the hood of his Cadillac, sobbing. "What's up" said the cyclist,
"You lived the good life and have the rewards." "Yes," said the first
man, "But I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
Saint Peter greets Bill Gates at the pearly gates and says, "Bill, have you got a
million dollars to get into heaven?" And Bill Gates says, "No, I have a billion
dollars and don't you know, these gates are named after me!"
One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St.
Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a long hall there were clocks everywhere but
they all went at different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St. Peter
explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each time they sinned the clock
ticked a tock. Promptly they passed a clock that wasn't moving and the man asked whose it
was. Oh, that is Billy Grahms. They passed many other clock along the hall but one persons
they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Bill Clinton's clock. St. Peter said, Oh,
we keep it in the office for a fan.
Three nurses appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter said to the
first, "Tell me what you did on earth."
Said she, "I was a birthing room nurse. I helped bring hundreds of precious babies
into the world."
"Enter!" said St. Peter. Then he turned to the second. "And how about
you?" he asked.
She replied, "I was a trauma unit nurse. I helped save hundreds of lives of people
involved in terrible accidents."
"Enter!" cried St. Peter, and turned to the third.
"I worked for an HMO," she admitted. "Over the years I saved my company
hundreds of thousands of dollars by refusing extended care to people who were trying to
bilk the system."
"You may enter!" said St. Peter.
"You really mean it?" asked the nurse incredulously.
"Yes," replied St. Peter. "You've been pre-approved for three
days."
-Paul of SC
40 lawyers showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never
seen 40 lawyers at the same time, and didn't know quite what to do. "Wait here,"
he said, "I have to go consult." He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he
said, "There are 40 lawyers standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God
said, "True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality
test, and admit the five highest scores." St. Peter headed back to his post. A minute
later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're gone! They're gone!" he
shouted. "Do you mean to say all 40 of them just up and left?" God asked.
"No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly gates! They're gone! They're
gone!"
-Paul of SC
Ronald Frump was a rich tycoon, who profited from hostile corporate takeovers, often
evicted hundreds of people at once from their Manhattan apartments to make way for his
building projects, and was known for his ruthless firing policies. He also cheated on his
income taxes, and had little concern for the safety and welfare of his employees, as long
as his profit margin was maximized. He had no use for philanthropic endeavors, and was
curt to any who would solicit his goodwill on behalf of the poor. You get the picture.
Even the only remotely charitable act by Mr. Frump was really self-serving. He was in a
hurry to get to yet another hostile takeover meeting, and on his way he gave a paper boy a
dollar bill for a 50-cent newspaper. Not wanting to wait for the boy to fish out the other
50 cents, he bruskly said, "Don't worry about it. Keep it."
So Mr. Frump finally died, and found himself before the pearly gates. Having been used
to a sense of entitlement his whole life, he approached St. Peter and, rather
presumptuously said, "Well, it's me--Ronald Frump. You can let me in now."
"Well, hold it just a second, here, Mr. Frump," replied St. Peter. "I'm
looking in the books here, and it seems you've been a pretty greedy fella all your life.
You've run people out of their homes, you've robbed from the poor, you've made life
miserable for everyone with whom you've had contact. Now, in light of that, can you think
of any reason why I should let you into this holy place?"
Mr. Frump was in a panic. This was the first time he did not have the upper hand in a
"negotiation," and this was for all the chips. In his panic, he grasped at the
only straw available to him. "Well, once I gave a paper boy a dollar for a 50-cent
newspaper, and told him to keep the change." St. Peter scratched his chin as he
puzzled over this for a few seconds, and finally said, "I'd better run this won past
God. Wait right here."
Mr. Frump was on pins and needles as he waited. Finally, St. Peter returned.
"Well?" St. Peter took his hand, placed two quarters in it, and said, "The
Lord said to give you your 50 cents back and tell you to go to hell!"
A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read
"For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the
doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one
man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you
tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their
Wives?"
"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."
A very wealthy man decided to prove the quote, "You can't take it with you",
wrong. Before he died he requested that his gold be buried with him. Sure enough after his
death he found himself in heaven along with his gold. He was so excited that he had
actually taken it with him. He went up to St. Peter to enter the gates and exclaimed
"Look at this, you can take it with you." Peter looked at the gold in the mans
hand and asked "Why would you want to bring pavement with you?" [Think about
it!! (Heavens streets are paved with gold)]
A bus load of ladies from the Women's Fellowship had a tragic accident and they were
all killed so all 50 arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter was taken by suprise
and said that due to redecorating there wasn't room for them so they would havr spen a
little time in hell until their mansion was ready. the devil reluctantly agreed to offer
them the temporary accommodation. 3 weeks later St. Peter phoned up hell to say that all
was now ready and the ladies could be sent to heaven. "Couldn't I keep them just a
little longer?" pleaded the devil. "Why?" enquired St Peter. "Well,
only 2 more cake sales and we've raised enough for air conditioning!" Neil Sydney,
Australia
Once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself standing in front of
the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you into heaven."
Joe: "sounds easy enough."
St. Peter: "ok, who is with you always?" Joe: "O, that's easy:
Andy!"
St. Peter: "Andy?" Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn ‘Andy
walks with me, Andy talks with me?’"
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of
heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what
would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my
time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S
MOVING!!!!!"
Email...to?????
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he
immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home
to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to
JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed
away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
A doctor died and went to heaven. As he stood in a very long line at the pearly gates,
he decided that because of his service to humanity he should not have to wait in line. He
left the line and approached the gate. Upon arrival at the gate St. Peter explained that
all are equal in the eyes of the lord and he should wait in line, like the rest of the
good people. This made the Doctor very angry. All of my service to humanity the lives I
have saved. The quality of life I've restored. He continued to mutter his contributions as
he returned to his place in line. A few minutes later a man in a white lab coat with a
Doctors bag rushed past the M.D. approaching the gates, the man nodded to St. Peter and
the gates flew open, in went the man and the gates closed. Well this was to much for the
doctor and he went to speak again with St. Peter. He explained to St. Peter that he had
been in practice on earth for many years and he felt he had made more contributions than
the young doctor that had just entered heaven. St. Peter understanding the Doctors feeling
gently explained to the the doctor. "Sir, I understand your feelings, however you
must understand that the young doctor that just entered, was God, you see he sometimes
likes to play Doctor"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go
back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The
first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky
mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The
second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count',
St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep
track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the
second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St.
Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the
Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on
a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their
entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored
over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory
earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the
sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course
it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell
me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news
for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh,
that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching
tomorrow night."
A rich man knew he would die soon, but he hated to leave his hard-earned riches behind.
So he had all his assets converted to gold bars, put them in a big bag on his bed, draped
his body over the bag of gold, and breathed his last. Next we see him at the gate of
Heaven. St. Peter says (very surpised), "Wow! You managed to get here with something
from earth! Let's see what you brought." He opened the bag, looked inside, then
looked quizzically at the man. "You brought...pavement?!"
George Bush died and went to heaven and St. Peter met him at the gates. George ask St.
Peter if the people in heaven were as friendly as the people in Texas were. St. Peter
said, Sure they are. Well George goes for a walk and passes by Mosses and decides to speak
to him. Mosses just looks the other way and keeps on walking. Slightly upset by this,
George goes back to St. Peter and tells him what happened with Mosses. St. Peter seemed
confused so he seeks Mosses and ask him why he ignored Mr. Bush. Mosses looked St. Peter
in the eye and said, Well Peter, if you will remember, the last time I spoke to a Bush I
spent 40 years in the wilderness.
