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An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young
After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her
The businessman glances at her and said. Do you really believe
those stuff in the Bible is true?
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name,
the one who got swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a
"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see
him in heaven someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in
heaven because he went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.
Over the massive, carved front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard
sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
A man had just had a severe heart opperation and as
he was coming to a nun was holding his hand and gently patting it.
We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate to ask at a time like this
but do you have insurance?" "No mam, he replied."
"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No mam," he
replied again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a
spinster sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she
is no spinster, she is married to God!" "Well send the bill to my
Brother-in-law," he replied.
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some
calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've
something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite
phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell." "It
might be worse," said the preacher. The friend came unglued: "man
alive, how could it be worse?" to which the pastor replied: "it
might be true."
three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint
Peter meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to
Heaven! here is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter
immediately handcuffed him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint
Peter! why is this my heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a
stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact
same thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question
and answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said,
"Welcome to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was
immediately handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man
walked off. the other two men, who had stuck around to see what
their friends fate was, were outraged. "How come he gets a
beautiful girl and were stuck with these? We can name a few things
that he did that were worse than ours!" Saint Peter said, "When she
was five she killed a bird with a stone."
A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their
wedding. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if
there was anything he could do to make being in heaven even more
pleasant. So they explained about dying the day before their wedding
and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven. "No problem,"
said St Peter, "leave it with me."
A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the
wedding. "Everything is being arranged," he assured them.
Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They
reminded him about the wedding and said, "We know that in heaven,
time is of no consequence, but we have been waiting over two hundred
years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the arrangements were
made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing
preventing us from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a
A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he
had been abused all his life on earth - people swept him with broom,
he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his
life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven.
They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth - how
they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly
chasing them. God tells them he'll make their life comfortable. They
ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do much
walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them
with skates. A week later God was passing by and found the cat
comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat
says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that you have
been sending me are delicious !"
A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him
heaven was getting crowded so he had to test people with the point
system. If he got to 100 points he could enter. The man told Peter
that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points. The
man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point.
The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he
never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a point. By now the man got very
frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the
grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"
A cute little interlude ...
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St. Peter says, "We
only have one rule...don't step on the ducks as they are God's
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost
impossible to not step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps
on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest
woman he'd ever seen...
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to
be chained to this ugly woman forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck...Sure enough, St.
Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for
months and doesn't step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along
with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very
sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.
The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good
fortune?" And the Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I
stepped on a duck.
A man went on a vacation to Florida from their home in Alaska. He
waits for his wife to come the next day to stay with him. He tries
to e-mail her trying to remember it. He messes up, and instead his
e-mail gets to a preacher's wife whose husband died the day before.
The message says: "Having fun, but it sure is hot down here. I cant
wait for your arrival here soon."
A good Christian engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell.
Once there, he went to work reorganizing everything. He installed
air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration, the works.
Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and
angry message down to Hell. "I request the immediate return of the
engineer you have there. He belongs with us!"...
"No way", replied the Devil, "here he came, here he stays"...."If
you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!" exclaimed God.
"And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"...came back
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die
in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years,
mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man
asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and
each week the course changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked
the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old
man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid
bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!
A teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer all die and end up at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets them there and says "It's good to have
you here, but we're a little over crowded today. You'll each have to
answer 1 question before I can let you in." Peter turns to the
teacher and says "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an
iceberg and sank in the early 1900s?" The teacher smiles and says
"That's easy. The Titanic." Peter lets her in. Then he turns to the
doctor and says "How many people died on the Titanic?" The doctor
says "Well, that's a tricky one, but luckily I just saw the movie,
so I know. 1500." Peter lets the doctor in, too. Then Peter turns to
the lawyer and says "Name them."
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions
after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street
where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why
he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St.
Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
The pope arrived at the pearly Gates and St. Peter greeted him
and quickly told him that it was very difficult to get an audience
with God. The Pope said he did not mind because when he was alive he
had the same problem. They chuckled together over this and St. Peter
said he realized the pope was probably anxious to know a few things
judging from the number of times he prayed for guidance. The pope
agreed saying that he had a real hankering to see the origional
sriptures. So S. Peter showed him to the room where the origional
manuscripts were stored. He left the old gentlemen ther to search
them out and soon forgot all about him. A while later he heard a
great wail coming from the room. St. Peter went to investigate and
found the Pope in an aweful sweat.St. Peter asked the Pope what was
wrong and this loud pitiful voice replie O NO! it says
C-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e not c-e-l-e-b-a-t-e!!!-
3 ministers and their wives were just coming back from a
convention when they got in a wreck and were all kiled. All 3
couples stood in line wating to get into heaven . St Peter opened
the books and said to the first man: I can see that you were a good
man but had one problem. You lusted after alcohol your whole life
you never drank but your lust was so strong you would never marry
until you met a girl named Sherry. Sorry, you can't come in. The
second minister approached St Peter and he said: you were a good
man, but it says here you lusted after money and your lust was so
strong that you would not marry until you met a girl named Penny.
Sorry, you cannot come in. The third minister turned to his wife and
said: come on Fanny, lets leave.
Three men arrived at the pearly gates. ST. Peter said to the
first one, "Welcome, I see in my book that you've led an upstanding
life, honest, generous, loving, always faithful to your wife.
Congratulations, you will travel through heaven in a Cadillac. To
the second man, St. Peter said, "You've lived a respectable life,
but oh dear, I see that you've had an indescretionate relationship
with your secretary. You'll be travelling through heaven on a
motorcycle. To the third man, St. Peter said. "However did you get
here?" "Beat's me" said the man, "I've lied, cheated and messed
around plenty." "Oh, well," replied St. Peter. "You're here, by the
grace of God. So I say that you may travel through heaven on a
bicycle." The third man was pleased with his luck, pedaling down the
golden streets when he saw the first man draped over the hood of his
Cadillac, sobbing. "What's up" said the cyclist, "You lived the good
life and have the rewards." "Yes," said the first man, "But I just
saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
Saint Peter greets Bill Gates at the pearly gates and says,
"Bill, have you got a million dollars to get into heaven?" And Bill
Gates says, "No, I have a billion dollars and don't you know, these
gates are named after me!"
One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the
pearly gates and St. Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a
long hall there were clocks everywhere but they all went at
different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St.
Peter explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each
time they sinned the clock ticked a tock. Promptly they passed a
clock that wasn't moving and the man asked whose it was. Oh, that is
Billy Grahms. They passed many other clock along the hall but one
persons they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Bill
Clinton's clock. St. Peter said, Oh, we keep it in the office for a
Three nurses appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St.
Peter said to the first, "Tell me what you did on earth."
Said she, "I was a birthing room nurse. I helped bring hundreds
of precious babies into the world."
"Enter!" said St. Peter. Then he turned to the second. "And how
about you?" he asked.
She replied, "I was a trauma unit nurse. I helped save hundreds
of lives of people involved in terrible accidents."
"Enter!" cried St. Peter, and turned to the third.
"I worked for an HMO," she admitted. "Over the years I saved my
company hundreds of thousands of dollars by refusing extended care
to people who were trying to bilk the system."
"You may enter!" said St. Peter.
"You really mean it?" asked the nurse incredulously.
"Yes," replied St. Peter. "You've been pre-approved for three
-Paul of SC
40 lawyers showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission.
St. Peter had never seen 40 lawyers at the same time, and didn't
know quite what to do. "Wait here," he said, "I have to go consult."
He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he said, "There are 40 lawyers
standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God said, "True, it is
an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test,
and admit the five highest scores." St. Peter headed back to his
post. A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're
gone! They're gone!" he shouted. "Do you mean to say all 40 of them
just up and left?" God asked. "No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly
gates! They're gone! They're gone!"
-Paul of SC
Ronald Frump was a rich tycoon, who profited from hostile
corporate takeovers, often evicted hundreds of people at once from
their Manhattan apartments to make way for his building projects,
and was known for his ruthless firing policies. He also cheated on
his income taxes, and had little concern for the safety and welfare
of his employees, as long as his profit margin was maximized. He had
no use for philanthropic endeavors, and was curt to any who would
solicit his goodwill on behalf of the poor. You get the picture.
Even the only remotely charitable act by Mr. Frump was really
self-serving. He was in a hurry to get to yet another hostile
takeover meeting, and on his way he gave a paper boy a dollar bill
for a 50-cent newspaper. Not wanting to wait for the boy to fish out
the other 50 cents, he bruskly said, "Don't worry about it. Keep
So Mr. Frump finally died, and found himself before the pearly
gates. Having been used to a sense of entitlement his whole life, he
approached St. Peter and, rather presumptuously said, "Well, it's
me--Ronald Frump. You can let me in now."
"Well, hold it just a second, here, Mr. Frump," replied St.
Peter. "I'm looking in the books here, and it seems you've been a
pretty greedy fella all your life. You've run people out of their
homes, you've robbed from the poor, you've made life miserable for
everyone with whom you've had contact. Now, in light of that, can
you think of any reason why I should let you into this holy place?"
Mr. Frump was in a panic. This was the first time he did not have
the upper hand in a "negotiation," and this was for all the chips.
In his panic, he grasped at the only straw available to him. "Well,
once I gave a paper boy a dollar for a 50-cent newspaper, and told
him to keep the change." St. Peter scratched his chin as he puzzled
over this for a few seconds, and finally said, "I'd better run this
won past God. Wait right here."
Mr. Frump was on pins and needles as he waited. Finally, St.
Peter returned. "Well?" St. Peter took his hand, placed two quarters
in it, and said, "The Lord said to give you your 50 cents back and
tell you to go to hell!"
A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line
was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives."
The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who
Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said,
"Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for
"Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"
"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."
A very wealthy man decided to prove the quote, "You can't take it
with you", wrong. Before he died he requested that his gold be
buried with him. Sure enough after his death he found himself in
heaven along with his gold. He was so excited that he had actually
taken it with him. He went up to St. Peter to enter the gates and
exclaimed "Look at this, you can take it with you." Peter looked at
the gold in the mans hand and asked "Why would you want to bring
pavement with you?" [Think about it!! (Heavens streets are paved
A bus load of ladies from the Women's Fellowship had a tragic
accident and they were all killed so all 50 arrived at the Pearly
Gates together. St. Peter was taken by suprise and said that due to
redecorating there wasn't room for them so they would havr spen a
little time in hell until their mansion was ready. the devil
reluctantly agreed to offer them the temporary accommodation. 3
weeks later St. Peter phoned up hell to say that all was now ready
and the ladies could be sent to heaven. "Couldn't I keep them just a
little longer?" pleaded the devil. "Why?" enquired St Peter. "Well,
only 2 more cake sales and we've raised enough for air
conditioning!" Neil Sydney, Australia
Once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself
standing in front of the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you
into heaven." Joe: "sounds easy enough."
St. Peter: "ok, who is with you always?" Joe: "O, that's easy:
St. Peter: "Andy?" Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn ‘Andy
walks with me, Andy talks with me?’"
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find
themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each
asked a question by St. Peter.
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St.
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the
hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
A doctor died and went to heaven. As he stood in a very long line
at the pearly gates, he decided that because of his service to
humanity he should not have to wait in line. He left the line and
approached the gate. Upon arrival at the gate St. Peter explained
that all are equal in the eyes of the lord and he should wait in
line, like the rest of the good people. This made the Doctor very
angry. All of my service to humanity the lives I have saved. The
quality of life I've restored. He continued to mutter his
contributions as he returned to his place in line. A few minutes
later a man in a white lab coat with a Doctors bag rushed past the
M.D. approaching the gates, the man nodded to St. Peter and the
gates flew open, in went the man and the gates closed. Well this was
to much for the doctor and he went to speak again with St. Peter. He
explained to St. Peter that he had been in practice on earth for
many years and he felt he had made more contributions than the young
doctor that had just entered heaven. St. Peter understanding the
Doctors feeling gently explained to the the doctor. "Sir, I
understand your feelings, however you must understand that the young
doctor that just entered, was God, you see he sometimes likes to
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but
our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a
week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first
priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the
first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and
asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you
the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're
doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second
priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St.
Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the
computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two
priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The
first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered,
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score
during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if
there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in
his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of
course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed.
"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good
news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes,
there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what
could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."
A rich man knew he would die soon, but he hated to leave his
hard-earned riches behind. So he had all his assets converted to
gold bars, put them in a big bag on his bed, draped his body over
the bag of gold, and breathed his last. Next we see him at the gate
of Heaven. St. Peter says (very surpised), "Wow! You managed to get
here with something from earth! Let's see what you brought." He
opened the bag, looked inside, then looked quizzically at the man.
George Bush died and went to heaven and St. Peter met him at the
gates. George ask St. Peter if the people in heaven were as friendly
as the people in Texas were. St. Peter said, Sure they are. Well
George goes for a walk and passes by Mosses and decides to speak to
him. Mosses just looks the other way and keeps on walking. Slightly
upset by this, George goes back to St. Peter and tells him what
happened with Mosses. St. Peter seemed confused so he seeks Mosses
and ask him why he ignored Mr. Bush. Mosses looked St. Peter in the
eye and said, Well Peter, if you will remember, the last time I
spoke to a Bush I spent 40 years in the wilderness.