Real-Life Humor
 

I am NOT hard of hearing! 

I am not hard of hearing but, sometimes…  well, sometimes the words I hear just don’t seem to register quite right:

A group of us were enjoying coffee together and one of the ladies was excitedly sharing the fact she was getting a new Microwave Oven.  But she didn’t say she was going to “buy” or “purchase” one – she used the word “acquire” – she was going to acquire a Microwave Oven.

The conversation wasn’t making a lick of sense to me and I blurted out, “What in the world are you talking about?!”

Startled, and puzzled, she wondered what the problem was.  I explained, “I’ve got this vision of a choir loft full of Microwave Ovens with the doors opening and closing, the lights going on and off, and the buzzers buzzing…”

Got to Get a Job

My 3 year old niece is getting ready to graduate from pre-school. so she told her mother that she was going to make a speech at the graduation. Her mother said to her "You know what happens after you graduate?" . Her response "I GOTTA GET A JOB, RIGHT MOM?"
 

Long-Haired Drivers

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
 

Can't Keep Up With It

My Mother-in-law at a ripe old age of 88 has been in the nursing home for several years and is suffering from dementia.  The home has made her a special chair from PVC pipe with wheels.  When she first received her chair, she was so excited because she could visit with the other residence.  One day she was up and down the hall until she had worked up a sweat.  Finally, she stopped at the nurse's station and told the nurse on duty, "You've got to take the motor off this chair. I just can't keep up with it"! 

Mr. Rogers is in the "hood"

While watching "Mr. Rogers" with my 3 year old daughter, Hannah, one afternoon I explained to her that Mr. Rogers went to live in Heaven.  Hannah immediately said "No mama, he lives in the neighborhood!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!"

Have you ever noticed how geese fly in that V formation? Have you ever wondered why one side is always longer than the other? Answer- There's more geese on that side!

A local council (in the UK) built a new road (street) in which they also built a number of homes and flats (apartments) for the elderly. They were going to call the street "St. Peter's Close" until some wise person thought it was not appropriate for all the old people living there!

It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.

I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital's fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:

The older I get the better I was.

My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner.   As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal.   The pastor's young daughter said, "I'm sure glad it wasn't dog poop!".  Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh.  The pastor's wife had told the child before coming to my daughter's house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what - even if it was dog poop.

'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."
 

A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town.  He went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog pen.

The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should wear."  The farmer agreed.

The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church ...in his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and didn't know what to wear."   submitted by Pastor Stein

From Linda Eberly: One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four.  I didn't expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet.  When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 "anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say "Uh-oh"

Liturgical Gaff
One time, during a particularly difficult time in a church job where I was the
assistant, I led the 5:30 Sunday evening communion service.  Afterwards,
an elderly parishioner came up to me and said "Do you know what you said
tonight?"  I looked at her, confused, and said no.  She said, "Well, instead of
"The Lord be with you" (to which the congregation replies "and also with you")
-- you said "The Lord be with me."  She said, "We all sort of stood there,
looked at each other, and then said, "and with us too!"  
And I had totally missed the whole exchange!

Joke

Yet a little while and you see me no longer!
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up afterthe Hymn of Meditation and declared..."Friends...My text for this  morning is'Be not afraid, for it is I !" Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind thelectern for the evening service.  After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacherstood on his platform...vestments fully visible..."Friends...my text for this eveningis...Yet a little while and you see me no longer!" Just then the platform collapsedand down went the preacher.  "StayBlessed"

Joke

Another Overworked Pastor
I was multi-tasking, looking over a bulletin while simultaneously leaving a message on a conference official's voice mail. My eyes falling on the opening prayer of the bulletin, I concluded the voice mail message about a mundane insurance question with "Amen." --Pastor Sally

Joke

What's a rainbow?
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling
after eating skittles.  

Joke

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."

After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together.  The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.

"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."

Joke

three boys were talking about their fathers exelence. One of them said:my father is a great professor.  When he is talking about a subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him!The second boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about his surgery only 5 person in the whole world can realize what he is saying.The third boy said:my father is a pastor, when he is preaching nobody can understand what he is saying.
 

Joke

My minister was acting secretary for the Christmas season so he had to make the bulletins.  He usually had his teacher wife proof-read them except for one fateful Sunday when the closing hymn was "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"
 

Joke

Many years ago when I was talking to my Junior Church class I asked them "Do you believe in God?"
Quck as a flash one boy said, "Yes, how else does my mother know when I have been stealing sugar?"
 

Joke

One sunday morning right in the middle of my sermon My daughter, who was three at the time, stood up on the front pew cocked her thumb back and shouted, "POW! I shot you. You're dead." I started to laugh, but as I looked out at the congregation, there wasn't a smile anywhere. I just wanted to go hide somewhere.

Joke

Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children's arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Annoucements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help "walk" to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the "chase was on."

Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office--I'm the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, "What's the matter?" He replied, "Hide me preacher, there's a 'demon' after me!"

Joke

The first prayer I ever learned was "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food". Unfortunately, I has also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it, quiet Sunday dinner. The family asks the youngest child to say grace. She is nervous--but manages to pray "God is great, God is good, roll him roll him throw him in the pan". Oops!

Joke

One day a family friend, age10, proceeded to read the bible aloud. He did very well until the end when he said "for his name is Snake," rather than 'for his name sake.'

Joke

It was the annual dedication of church officers service and I was a new deacon. One name was on the list 3 times - Doreen Bowles (not Bowels!!). The first time I read it without hesitation as "Doreen Bowels". Paused and backed up and reread it with much embarassment. The congregation tried not to giggle too much. The second time the name came up on the list I did the same thing again but corrected myself faster. Again the congregation titter. The third time I'm looking at the name I go "Doreen," then I paused and went "Bowles" the congregation was just about on the edge of their seat and had to give a sigh of relief. They have as yet to forget it and remind me.

I was so embarassed I was red faced as I apologized to Doreen. She said, "Well at least your not going to forget my name again!"

Joke

This is a true story. We were driving in the church bus, doing a midnight run where we give out coats, bibles, coffee, food, and the good word to the homeless in our area. We passed two girls on the road and the pastor asked them if they needed a coat or food. They said no. He asked them if they wanted a coke. They replied, "No, we're straight!"

Joke

One day a Pastor went to visit one of his church members homes. As he arrived, the mother of the house saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she has gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice "Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of the house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!"

Joke

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion elements in her usual manner. Or at least I thought it was in her usual style. When it came time to uncover the elements, the grape juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discovered why the strange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"

Joke

The other day I was sitting in church and the preacher was preaching about "Rivers of Living Water." Well when he started into his message he slipped and said Livers of living water without even realizing it. No wonder he had a strange look on his face when the congregation was cracking up. He was in the midst of one his most serious sermons and it was dead quiet in the church until he slipped up.

Joke

As a Canadian, I was quite interested with the recent U.S. presidential election. Our political systems are quite different. That difference reminded me of an American missionary who came to speak at our church years ago. As he spoke quickly & with little use of his notes, he had a slip of the tongue & instead of speaking about the sinners & publicans Jesus associated with, he mentionned the sinners & Republicans! (I hope any Republicans will laugh at this true story).

Joke

A minister was making his first visitation to meet members of his congregation. He knocked at the door of the first house but there was no answer. He put his business card under the door, and wrote on it "Revelation 3:20" (Listen! I am standing at your door knocking...)

Next Sunday the verger told him after the morning service that his business card had turned up in the offertory plate. The minister picked it up and saw that underneath the words "Revelation 3:20" were written the words "Genesis 3:10" (...and I was afraid because I was naked...)

Joke

My three year old cousin, Tori, whose father is also our pastor, had learned that Jesus lives in her heart. One day she and her mother were shopping in a small store when a police officer came in. Tori, being terrified of the officer, clung to her mother. When the officer realized that she was afraid, she tried to comfort her by telling her that she wasn't going to hurt her, but still Tori clung to her mom. When the officer left the store, Tori looked at her mom and patted her chest and said, "That woman about scared Jesus out of my heart!"

Joke

My husband teaches the 6th grade Sunday School class at our church. After a few too many discipline problems with a particularly bright but high-strung and disruptive student, he felt a parent-teacher conference was in order. During the conference, the distraught student exclaimed, "But Dad, we're not learning anything - we just look up stuff in the Bible!"

I guess it just didn't occur to him at the time that 'looking stuff up in the Bible' was what his parents (our Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor) did for a living!

Joke

I was attending a Christian rally a few years ago and the speaker shared this in his sermon. His 4 year old son had an endless series of sinus infections. He smelled so bad that you couldn't stand to hold and love him. After many doctors and medications, it was suggested he be taken to a special clinic in Texas. After a short exam, the doctor walked out and said he would be able to help the boy. The minister asked if it was an advanced sinus/infection condition that might require an operation. The doctor replied no! We just have to take out the BLUE NERF BALL that your son jammed up into his sinus cavity with a pencil. GMH

Joke

Every Sunday after I finish playing the piano, I go next door with the children to teach  Sunday School.   One Sunday a girl was waiting in the toddler nursery and her mom asked me to be sure to go by and get her. Well,  as I left the piano, I forgot.  I realized at the end of class what I had done and found the little girl to apologize.  Monday I also dropped a note in the mail to her. The next Sunday I made a point to go retrieve her from the nursery.  "No," she said, "I want to stay here."  I assured her I was really sorry and that I wouldn't forget her.  "No, I want to get another letter from you," she replied.

Joke

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"

Joke

Last Sunday I baptized my seven year old daughter. All week long we "practiced" in our little swimming pool. I thought this was a good way to ease her nerves. Of course I had a helper during those practices, my two year old son. Well, the day was here, everyone was excited, we got into the baptistery and I said a few words then baptized her. As I was bringing her up out of the water, my son realizes we are in water. He then yells, "I want to go swimming too!" Takes off his shirt and tries to run past his Mom.

Joke

ANOTHER WAY TO PRAY (as told by a preacher years ago)

An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC's. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet."

"No," replied the child. "I was praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!"

Joke

As a talkative child of eight, I was prone to whispering to my brother in church. One Sunday as my family and I were leaving the church, the minister knelt down to my level and asked me if my doctor had vaccinated me with a phonograph needle!

Rev. SW in No. On.

Joke

Recently one of our clubs in town had a "Church Parade". All of the women wore their red jackets with the group's insignia on them. Afterward at lunch in a local restaurant, a little boy was overheard asking his sister who the women were. She replied, "Oh, silly! Don't you know? They are the Mounty's mothers!"

Rev. SW in No.Ontario, Canada

At our seminary one of the students called Samuel, who had a Pentecostal
background, loved to get up at three a.m. to practice Psalm 5:3 "My voice
shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my
prayer unto thee, and will look up."

And as a good Pentecostal, he prayed out loud, so no one of us
not-so-faithful ones could get asleep.

Once some of the guys laid a twelve inches PVC pipe over the ceiling, until
it reached Samuel's bedroom. Right when he started praying, the guy said
through the pipe causing an echo: "Samuel, Samuel .".

Samuel felt on his knees and in a triumphant voice shouted: "Speak; for thy
servant heareth". And their came the reply "Samuel, Go, lie down, and let my
other servants get some sleep".

Has your computer accepted Jesus yet?

When I first used WordStar, I did a spellcheck. It rejected 'Jesus' as unrecognizable. I commanded it to accept 'Jesus', which it did. Since accepting 'Jesus', I haven't had any trouble with the wordprocessor. Coincidence? - Pastor Norman Bromley

Our youth pastor's 4 year old walked up the center isle after service one sunday with his hand on the front of his head.  A woman sitting to his left leaned over and asked him how he was doing and he replied that he had a headache.  Pulling out a roll of life savers, she asked him if he would like one suggesting that it might take away the pain.  She placed it in his palm and he placed it on his forehead.  Confused, he walked away.
 

I was told when my 7yr. old little boy was visiting his dad, he accidentally got his hand smashed in the door of the car. To comfort my little boy his dad started telling him of all the things that had hurt him when he was a little boy himself. Well, dad ended up saying the worst pain he'd ever felt as a boy was being burned.  My son replied; "Boy, daddy, good thing you're going to heaven because you would really not like hell!"

A 5 year old boy staying with his grandmother wanted to show his love for her. He decided to bring her morning coffee. Although it was lukewarm and had coffee grounds floating on top, she sipped it appreciating his gesture.Then she noticed 3 small green army men in the bottom of the cup. When she asked why they were there the boy replied,"but grandma don't you know the best part of waking up is "soldiers" in your cup?"

When my Granddaughter was about 2, her Grandfather had taught her to say a short prayer before meals. She knew we couldn't eat until this was done. One day during church service the pastor was in an exceptionally long prayer. My Granddaughter decided that it was long enough, so she put her hands together and in a loud voice said, "Dear Lord, Thank you for this food, AMEN. The prayer ended.
Vicki  Gasper River CP Church

Upon leaving church one monring, our Pastor asked our 4 year old son "if the Devil ever tells him to do bad things"?  He replied, "Yes, but Jesus tells him to shut up!"

A true story. Notice on an Anglican noticeboard in Yorkshire England.
"Please help us to keep the dry rot out of our 18th Century pulpit."
Underneath was scrawled "Sack the vicar"

In liturgical churches, the prayers are often preceded by the minister saying, "The Lord be with you" to which the congregation responds, "And also with you."
The new minister in town was having trouble getting used to the local customs about worship, and even more trouble with the Public Address system.  He kept flipping switches and turning dials and couldn't seem to figure out when it was on or off.   Finally, just before the Prayer of the Day, in frustration with the microphone he said, "There must be something wrong with this thing."  Right on cue, the congregation responded, "And also with you."

A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming all through the church service. His father tried several times to quiet him, but to no avail. Just as I was asking for prayer requests, the boy let out a loud yell. His father, obviously at the end of his rope, picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was nearly out the door, I continued asking if there were any more requests when this little voice yelled desperately from across the threshold, "Oh, please pray for me!"

Our minister's little boy noticed that his dad always knelt and prayed during the hymn right before his sermon.  When the boy asked his mom why dad did that, she said "He is asking God to help him".  The boy replied "So, why doesn't God help him?"

Bulletin Bloopers:

If you must heave during the postlude, please do so quietly.

Next week - Communion Sunday.  Come and join us as we break bread and wind together.

A woman moved to a new town and began to look for a church home.  She visited a nearby church that was very beautifully decorated with uniformed ushers both on the outside and the inside of the church.  As the organ played she noticed there was a quietness in the church. (not a sound).  The organist was playing "I've Found Him".  The woman stood and cried out in praise.  An usher rushed over to her and said "you must be quiet in here!"  Embarrased, the woman sat down.  As the song continued the woman again jumped up and cried "Yes, I've found him!"   The deacon then came over to the woman and said "you must be quiet or we will ask you to leave".  The woman replied, "I can't hold my peace . . . I've found the Lord."  The Deacon replied "well you didn't find him in here so you must sit down, be quiet, or leave."

I took my 3 year old grandaughter into our public library to choose some books for "mema" to read to her. In the lobby there was a life-sized replica of a knight in full armour. She stopped dead still and stared at it for a long time. I just knew a question was coming, and so I rehearsed my answer -- trying to decide how to explain what a "knight" was so she wouldn't mistakenly think "night." I didn't have to worry, though -- for she suddenly whispered with great awe: "Look, Mema...a POWER RANGER!"

My minister husband gave an illustration one Sunday morning about a snake. As the congregation filed out, our 3 year old son tugged on his coat and asked, "Daddy, is what you said really true, or were you just preaching again?"

My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her cut and paste brightly colored constuction paper coats and palm branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them, shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"

Every Sunday morning on the way home from church, my wife and I would ask our three year old son to tell us about what he learned in Sunday School. We always knew already, but we liked to see if he was paying attention and learning. One Sunday, the lesson was on Stephen, and how he asked God to forgive the people who were stoning him. I asked my son what we should do if somebody does something mean to us and he replied, "You forgive them and then you die!"

This last week at Elementary church camp the campers learned about the sacredness of creation. A young boy was with his group "creeking" and caught a frog. He turned to his counselor and realized that the right thing to do would be to let the little frog go, as not to have it die. As he released the frog, a fish came to the surface and ate the frog. The boy looked up for a split second, then jumped in the small creek. He caught the fish and beat it over the head with a large stick for killing his frog.

While holding a conference at our church, one of the Leaders stepped to the front to welcome the church family and he declared the visitors "all most (almost) welcome". The church found this rather amusing while the leader was oblivious to his mistake. Kieron ABC UK
 

While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted to memorize the page number.(#238)  Right about that time a 'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout "Hallelujah!"  Instead of the intended shout of praise, however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!

When I was a child of about 4 or 5, my dad was called to be the guest speaker at a church one Sunday morning. By way of bribery my parents had told me before arriving at the church that if I were a good boy they would take me to McDonalds after the service. During my Dads rather firey sermon on the destination of the good vs. the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, "And where do you think those that live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go"? With all the fervency of the old time ameners, I stood in my seat and cried out "TO MCDONALDS"!!!

When our oldest son was about three years old, we went to a small country church near our home. After the sermon went on for about twenty minutes, our son became restless. The country preacher asked the rhetorical question "Would you be ready if Jesus Christ came today"? In a voice loud enough for all to hear, our son repeated TODAY!?! In a loud voice. After the congretation stopped laughing the preacher went on another fifteen minutes.

My wife and I were wanting to get back to our christian roots after years of being away from the church as a young couple. So we choose to go to a Catholic Church that she had attended as a child. We had our spirted 2 1/2 year old son with us who spoke remarkably well.  20 minutes into the sermon he was very restless and we were uncomfortable trying to keep him still. When a quiet moment came (you could here a bible close), our son pipes up and says " Dad why does that fat lady have a moustache?" The entire church heard it. We made our way out and didn't go back for years. I'll never forget that moment, and I'll always love him for his honesty, she was fat and had a moustache! Jack & Sky

One man from our church was driving his minivan as there was an accident in front of him with 6 cars involved. He saw the space being enough for him to drive between them, so he did. Immediately, he gets pulled over by a policeman yelling at him that he dented those cars. Amazed at the statement, our brother in Christ said it was impossible because he had about 3 feet of extra space as he drove by.  The policeman measured the van and the space between the cars in accident, and found it was just 1 inch more than the width of his van. At that moment, a few more policemen approached and one said, "I saw your van shrink as you drove by", another one , "It was shining", the chief asked, "Who are you?" Our brother answered, "I am a believer in Jesus" The chief asked, "Can you pray for my officers?" "Yes", he said. "Line up, gentlemen!", he commanded. So our brother prayed for them. So God chose a humorous way to show his abilities and power. "AGAPE Church" Kazakhstan, Almaty

As a fledgling student preacher, one Sunday our whole family lined up at the door to the church when service had ended -- kids first, then my husband and myself last in full clerical garb. Being the first lady preacher they had ever had, one dear soul didn't quite know what she was saying as she approached my fully bearded husband and exclaimed, "And you must be the preacher's wife!"

One Sunday morning, none of the ushers showed up. Each one to be away for one reason or another. So, after the announcements, I had to enlist some people to take up the offering. So, I asked two gentlemen by saying, "Since the normal ushers are not here, would you be willing to take up the offering?" They gladly did it, but I have been hearing from them ever since about how they are not normal!

5 yr. old Alex said "thank you" for his new Bible cover with WWJD on the front. His dad asked, "do you know what those initals stand for?" Yes replied Alex, "www. Jesus Does.com".

A number of years ago when our children were young, my single brother came to visit for a few days. As it happened my husband and I, who are both pastors each had a meeting that night. Uncle David agreed to baby-sit with his two nieces. When we arrived home I inquired how the evening had gone. "Fine," he replied. "What did you do?" I asked. We played "Church" was his reply. How nice, I thought. "What did you do?" I inquired (thinking they had sung hymns, or prayed, or read scripture.) "Well..," he replied "I was the congregation, they were the ushers, and they took up the offering."

Once while on a drive, my wife and I had an terrible argument. After many miles of silence with my wife driving I glanced over to the fuel indicator with was close to empty. I could not resist breaking the ice with a jab about her forgetting to fill up the tank. I leaned over and said "low fuel, Karen". She turned to me with tears in her eyes as she pulled over and stopped, hugged my neck and said, "Oh, I love you too, Lawrence. I just wanted you to say it first"....Dr.Lawrence James Ellison, Fairbanks,AK

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean-- (well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-- I must have lost them long ago!

A true story -

"Bill, what changes have you seen since you came to St. Cuthbert's seventy years ago?"

"A great deal has changed. Before the WW2 I used to sit on that side of the choir...."

Went to a church homecoming. Saw a woman who said, "Preacher, since I last saw you, I had all my teeth pulled and a new refrigerator put in."

My Choir Director asked me to sing solo for next Sunday's anthem........so low that no one can hear me!

When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord's Prayer to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn't understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years later when I ran across the faded page with the child's writing..... "and lead a snot into temptation".....