Humor by Theme:
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the Pentecost Season
Dramatic Decoration for
Pentecost with colorful drapes
In Case of Experiencing
Sudden Pentecost Symptoms:
If you suddenly find
yourself caught in an indoor tornado and your scalp on fire, it
might be ...Pentecost.
Know what to do:
Notify the front desk.
Fight the urge to stop, drop
and roll - You ain't puttin; this Fiyah out!
Make disciples of all
Invest in a toupee. Bald
preachers are shady.
OUR parish priest had a flair for the dramatic. He got the idea of
having a pigeon released from the belfry on Pentecost just at the
moment when, on the church steps in front of the procession of
worshipers, he would say, "Come, Holy Spirit!"
Pentecost came, and the sacristan put a pigeon in a bag, went
upstairs to the belfry and waited. When the priest pronounced the
words, nothing happened. A few seconds later, we heard a
voice from the belfry, "It's stifled!"
Trying to be more "Pentecostal?"
While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on
the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring
Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and
praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that
would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a
song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted
to memorize the page number.(#238) Right about that time a
'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as
people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the
Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout
"Hallelujah!" Instead of the intended shout of praise,
however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!
Too much excitement in
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where
The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly
before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled
Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly
yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
A little boy told by his mother that he might go on a picnic she
had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've
already prayed for rain."
Is anybody out there?
As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal
and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a
shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the
dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian
Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was
tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an
old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I
am sure you were fine." --Sue in Cuba, KS
Resources by DPS
Five Original Excuses to use if you forgot
"Dear Old Dad" on Father's Day:
5. "Your E-mail bounced."
4. "Thought you were supposed to call me."
3. "Did I surprise you by calling the day after Father's Day?"
2. Two words: "NBA Finals"
1. "I thought it was Mother's Day and called Mom instead."
Does your Dad speak with the voice of Reason
voice of Doom? What fatherly sayings had the biggest
influence on your life? Here
are some fatherly sayings:
Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.
You didn't beat me. I let you win.
I'll play catch after I read the paper.
A little dirt never hurt anyone-just wipe it off.
You call that a haircut?
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
You call that noise "music"?
Were not lost. Im just not sure where we are.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, youll live by my rules.
Ill tell you why. Because I said so. Thats why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
You want something to do? Ill give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?
Didn't your teacher learn you anything?
Father's Day One-Liners:
This is what my son said to me when he returned from
"Dad, you're not as dumb as I thought".
On the occasion of my brother's 21st birthday, my Dad
Birthday son. Now that you are a legal adult,
remember you can go to jail with the big
My dad always said "You can't get lost if you don't know
are." clw in co
My father's wise words have kept me out of some trouble,
all...he used to say frequently, "Whenever in doubt
don't!" Unfortunately I
didn't doubt enough. BB in IL
This is a true story. One day, when I was about 19 years old, I
was changing the toilet
paper roll, and unfortunately dropped the
wooden dowel down the toilet. My father was
pretty angry with
me for my mistake. But he set out to take apart the fixture to
the dowel. He went into the basement to shut off the
water, and wanted me to help. I
unfortunately turned the wrong
valve and he got blasted with water. When he got dried off,
drove him to the plumbing supply house for parts. By then I was
even more upset, so when
I parked the car I unfortunately got too
close to the curb, rubbed the tire and got a
flat. My poor Dad
changed the tire, bought the parts, fixed the toilet, turned back
water, and went on with his day. He passed away over
15 years ago, but I still remember
his patience and restraint of
that day. Happy Father's Day, Dad!
My dad and myself, never really had a chance to know each other
until I graduated from
Bible college and was married. He was an active
drinker (high volume) until I was a late
teen. One Sunday afternoon as
my wife and and I were leaving my parents house, I leaned
gave pop a hug. He grabbed me very tightly and in my ear said "I love
son," - The first time I ever remember him saying that! I told him
the same and left
the house on cloud nine. That "tradition" has not changed
for over 16 years now!
Dads, TELL YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM
AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYE WHEN YOU DO IT!
is certain except what and taxes?!?
The Gravestone Message
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."
Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot Cross Bun(nies)
Six Things About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny:
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
This happened a couple of Easters ago.
He comes to church once a year--always on Easter. I'm glad
to have this local rancher join us in worship and I shook his hand
heartily as he left the church.
"Great to worship with you today!" I said.
"Really?" he responded.
"Sure. It's always good to have you with us on Easter," I said.
He scratched his head. "Well, maybe I'd come more often if you'd
preach about something different!" -- Rev. E. Marie Gasau
Good Friday Humor
This is a true story, told to me by a Sunday School teacher: She
was teaching the children about the meaning of Good Friday and
asked the group if any of them knew what happened to Jesus on that
day. "Sure," piped up a little boy, "he got hammered!"
The Show Must Go On
One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to
church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the
choir was a little off key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's
message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they
put on a pretty good show for the nickel you put in the collection
Waiting for Jesus!
When my son was two and a half I had sent him to clean his room
but each time he went in, he got distracted by all the toys and
nothing got put away.
Following some principals I had learned at a recent prayer
conference I went in and said to him, "Stephen, what did mommy
tell you to do?"
"Clean my room"
"And did you clean your room?"
"No." he replied quietly.
I disciplined him and then helped him to pray and confess his
error to God and ask Jesus to help him get his room cleaned. He
seemed to respond really well to all of this and I thought, "Wow,
this stuff really works."
But Stephen just got down and sat in the middle of the mess, doing
In frustration I asked, "Stephen, what are are you doing?'
He replied, just as frustrated, "I'm waiting for Jesus to come and
help me clean my room!" ...Linda Eberly, Bennington, VT
Church Bulletin Blooper:
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
Lasting Palm Sunday Impressions
My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old
daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her
cut and paste brightly colored construction paper coats and palm
branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread
coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them,
shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the
Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the
following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her
mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going
to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"
In the Secret Service
A gentleman was in front of me coming out of church one day. The
preacher grabbed him by the hand, pulled him aside and said to
him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "
Pretty good for a nickel
One Easter, a family that seldom went to church, decided to go.
After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off
key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too."
Whereupon their 9 year-old boy said, "I thought they were pretty
good for the nickel you put in the collection plate."
My friend Sam Caldwell swears this really happened to him. Sam is
an old retired country preacher who fills in regularly in our
parts. Sam doesn't hear well at all, so everyone, even the
children, know to speak loudly to him. One Easter Sunday, all the
children came up for the children's message. Sam said to one
little girl, "My that's a lovely dress. Is it new?" And the girl
shouted, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron!"
How to kill eggs
Our daughter Lauren was 5. On the Saturday before Easter we were
just finishing lunch when she jumped up excitedly and asked, "When
are we going to KILL the eggs?" It took us awhile, but we finally
decided she wanted to DIE the eggs.
What is Easter?
A Sunday School teacher was attempting to teach her young students
the true meaning of Easter. "Why do we celebrate Easter?" she
asked. When the children replied 'because of the Easter bunny,'
Easter eggs, candy, spring, etc., she said, "No, those are Easter
traditions and symbols, but what is the REASON why we celebrate
Easter? What happened at the very first Easter?" A little girl
raised her hand and said, "Easter celebrates Jesus coming out of
the tomb." "Yes!" said the teacher, excited and relieved that
finally the correct answer had surfaced. Encouraged, she
prompted, "Jesus arose from the tomb, and what does He do for
us?" The youngster replied, "He looks to see if he can see his
shadow, and if He can, he goes back in for another six weeks."
Mother's Day Humor
the good shepherd
My mom is my shepherd; I shall not want. She
makes me lie down under cool, downy comforts. She watches me
play beside still waters. She restores my soul.
She leads me in paths of respect,
responsibility, and goodness, for I am her namesake!
Yea, even though I walk past monsters in the
dark, I will not be ascared, because my mom is always near me.
Her hands and her voice, they comfort me.
Mama sets the table and cheerfully calls me
to dinner even in front of big, mean bullies.
She anoints my skinned knees and broken
heart with kisses. She smiles and throws me a towel when my
cup runneth over.
Surely God's peace, power, and mercy shall
uphold me all the days of my life, for my Mother taught me to
dwell in the house of God forever.
Christian Education 101: A Child Learns to
Trust by Laurie Hays Coffman
Humorous Mother's Day Video:
I saw a friend of mine, a widowed mother of
three teenage daughters, and her mother, a challenging 83 year
old. Her mother had gone on into a store, and I could see that
my friend was really stressed. I thought I should give her a
chance to vent if she needed too. I said, "Shirley, you look a
bit harried." She said, "I would be just fine if it wasn't for
having to deal with the girl's young hormones, Mom's old ones,
and my lack of them!"
(but o-so-true) one-liners:
"A Mother's love will go with her sons
whether he goes to the governor's chair or the electric
She, who rocks the cradle, rules the world.
God could not be everywhere and therefore he
A mother is a person who seeing there are only
four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she
never did care for pie.
There is only one pretty child in the world,
and every mother has it.
Sometimes the poorest woman leaves her children
the richest inheritance
A mom forgives us all our faults, not to
mention one or two we donít even have.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but
mean your mother.
Humor for Pastor Appreciation Day / Month
Where is that turkey?
A geek's list of thanks
. . .
1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber
sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
4. Be thankful your 28 year old cyber-friend
really isn't 72!
5. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The
stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!
Cryptic Christmas Card
A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It said: A B C
D E F G H I J
K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The recipient puzzled over it
finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. In July
he received the
explanation on a postcard: "No L."
The nativity play was going as planned and Joseph and
Mary were going from house to house knocking on the doors and
asking it there was any room for them. As they continued to get
"no room" answers a little voice called from the back "YOU SHOULD
HAVE BOOKED!" bringing the house down.
Didn't You Get My
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Who kissed Santa?
At my daughter's elementary school Christmas concert, a
first-grade girl introduced their song, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa
Claus" with clear, articulate, well-rehearsed speech, [and not in
the least aware of the mix-up], saying: "Oh, what Mommy
would have thought if she saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus!"
from Sally in GA
The Real Santa?
The local newscaster was with the crowd of parade watchers,
welcoming Santa as he arrived in town, and in a live interview
asked a boucey 4 yr old girl if she had talked with this Santa yet
to give him her Christmas list. "No" she replied infatically. "Are
you going to talk with Santa?" the newscaster asked. "NO" once
again was the most definite answer which was not the reaction that
he was expecting at all! "Why?" he curiously asked the
little one. "Because the real Santa is at the Mall."
THE VIRGIN BIRTH
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor
says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother
and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla
is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About
five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss
it this time!"
Save God the trouble
There was a young boy who was saying a prayer out loud one night
and his brother was listening to him. This boy asked God for a
fresh milkshake in the morning. His brother said: "just shake a
cow and milk it. It will save God the trouble."
A little help from Joseph
One day during our children's sermon, I was telling the kids about
how the angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help
bring Jesus into the world. One little girl seemed puzzled
about this whole scene. Then another child asked what I
thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel
left her. Instantly this little girl chimed in with "I'll
bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!
Who is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she
floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of
Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
What Are The Three Gifts?
While participating in a chruch Christmas pageant many years past,
I had the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator. Each
rehearsal went off well and then on the night of the show, I, in a
loud and penetrating voice announced the gifts of the Magi as
"gold, Frankenstein and myrrh."
No Room In The Inn?
A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was
cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When
the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and
asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said,
"Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"
The store's Santa Claus gave Jeanie a candy cane. Her
mother says, "What do you say, Jeanie?" Jeanie looks up at Santa
and says, "Charge it!" Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping
At Sunday school, the younger children were drawing pictures
illustrating Biblical stories. The teacher walked by and noticed
one little boy was drawing an airplane! "Oh, what Bible story are
you drawing?" she asked. "This is the Flight into Egypt," the
little boy answered. "See, here is Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus.
And this," he said, pointing to the front of the plane, "is
Pontius. He's the Pilot."
A little boy named Nicholas told the store's Santa Claus:
"You and I have the same name." Santa says: "Well, hello
Harold." Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping Ground, KY
Going the wrong way in the "Advent Rush"
While a man had gone out driving to do some Christmas shopping,
his wife had been watching TV when she heard the announcer say,
"be very careful and watch driving on I5 today, there is a
motorist driving the wrong way"! His wife got hold of him on the
cell phone to warn him, and his reply was: "You tell me, there are
hundreds of them here".
The Wrong Gift
The parents began to assemble the special Christmas gift they had
for their children. They had ordered a kit for a tree house and
received the plans for it. However, the materials they received
were for a sailboat. They wrote the company to complain. The
company's reply: "While we regret the inconvenience this mistake
must have cause you, it is nothing compared to that of the man who
is out on a lake somewhere trying to sail your tree house." Bud
Brooks, Stamping Ground, KY
God's Not Deaf
Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two
boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger one
began praying at the top of his lungs:
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why are
you shouting? God isn't deaf." to which the little brother
replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:
"...sleep in heavenly peas";
"Joy to the world, the Savior rains";
"This is he whom Sears of old...";
"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";
"While shepherds washed their socks by night
None of Them Are Toys!
When my daughters were little I would always tell them around
Christmas that this is Jesus' birthday and he only received 3
things so do not be disappointed in what lies under the tree. When
it came time for worship on Christmas morning, I asked the
children what they thought Jesus would think of Santa and all the
hype. Would he ask Santa a question? My youngest daughter replied,
"I think Jesus would ask how come I only got three things and none
of them were toys?" ... SAL Ridgeway Ontario
When my son was 8 years of age, He was in a Christmas Pageant at
our church. His line started "And the Virgin Mary was with Child."
He did his line correctly at every rehearsal. On the night the of
the presentation everything was going wonderful. All the children
were relaxed and reciting their lines without flaw. It came time
for my son to recite his line and this is exactly how it came out:
"And the Viking Mary was with Child." It was quite a job for all
the adults watching the presentation to restrain ourselves and not
bellow out in laughter. ...Patty Louisiana
The Three Gifts
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he
remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought
for a minute then said "gold, frankincense, and humor". We could
all use that!
Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
5. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
3. Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.
2. Gain weight. Put on at least 15 pounds.
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
Baptist Radio Weather Forecast:
"And the New
Year's Day weather... Mostly cloudy with a 30% chance of
Jesus coming down on the clouds."
Out of the Mouths of Babes
On New Year's Eve Night, we walked down the road talking
about the beautiful fireworks we had just seen (the entire
country of Holland goes up in fireworks at midnight). My
husband pointed at the stars and said to our 4 year old
daughter: "Look, Ninon, that's God's firework." After
pondering this for a while she said: "Do you know why God
made it so high in the sky?" "No," my husband said, "why did
he?" She replied with conviction: "Because He's the only one
who can reach up there!"
Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies:
will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail
resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?"
I won't reply "DPS Tech Support."
will think of a password other than "password."
will stop checking for an online sermon at 3:00 in the
The Gravestone Message
The following caption was found written on a
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow
Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you
New Year's Day or Football Day?
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the
annual conflict of which was more important - the football
games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I
ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered
for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring
to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and
graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She
smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was.
I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the
score was still nothing to nothing.
she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told
her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams".">p">
Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a
lot of people dizzy.
NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a
and he gave him three wishes.
The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million
Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible.
And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof!
he turned into a box of chocolates.
A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did.
He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of
chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing
it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of
the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to
eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand
patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them
Humor for Lent:
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.
FROM: Jordan Management
SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test.
DATE: May 22/30
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you
picked for management positions in your new organization.
All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have
not only run the results through our computer but also have
arranged personal interviews for each of them with our
psychologist and vocational consultant.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for
the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have
the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your
search for persons of experience in managerial ability and
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of
Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place
personal interest above company loyalty.
Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to
We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has
been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business
James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely
have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score
on the manic depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is
a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has
a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is
highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend
Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All
other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Marquee Sayings for Lent:
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
It's hard to stumble when you're
down on your knees.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not"
don't you understand?
A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
The wages of sin is death.
Repent before payday.
Never give the devil a ride.
He will always want to drive.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
Satan subtracts and divides.
God adds and multiplies.
To belittle is to be little.
Don't let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.
God answers knee-mail.
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him,
the devil will always take you back.
Fish for Lent
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside
grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his
neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on
each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
men got together and decided that something had to be done about
John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and
they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert
John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and
were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and
become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist,
you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men
were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was
setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of
steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe
their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and
decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it
was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to
see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.
He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a
Getting Ready for Lent
If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
An alternative reading of the Scripture passage about the
woman caught in adultery:
...and Jesus said: "the one among you who is without sin throw the
first stone." Just as he finished his sentence a stone whirred
past his head from behind, barely missing him. He turned around
and said: "MOM!
The End is Near!
Father Boudreaux and pastor Thibodeaux were fishing on the
side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying "De End is
Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed
it to each passing car. Well this one car that passed didn't
appreciate the sign and was shouting at them: "Leave us alone you
religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked
at each other, and Father Boudreaux said....."You think we should
just put up a sign that says: 'bridge out' instead ?"
Harold in Alabama
A woman called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of
the Trough. The secretary said I'm sorry, but we don't refer to
our pastor as a hog. The lady said I was calling to give your
church ten thousand dollars. The secretary then said well hold the
phone, I think I see that fat pig coming down the hall right now.
The Story of a Circuit Rider
A preacher was wanting to buy a horse to make his visits in a
small farming town. He was sent to an old farmer that had a very
unique horse. The preacher wanted to try the horse out, so the old
farmer told him what made the horse unique. "If you want the horse
to go forward," the old farmer said, "shout Praise the Lord. If
you want the horse to stop, yell Hallelujah." The preacher mounted
the horse and shouted Praise the Lord. The horse started running.
The preacher was so excited that he let the horse continue to run
until he saw a great cliff ahead. He yelled stop, halt, quit; but
the horse kept running. The preacher finally remembered the words
of the old farmer and yelled Hallelujah just in time. The horse
skidded to a halt on the very edge of the cliff. The preacher took
off his hat, wiped his brow, and said, "Praise the Lord."
The Importance of Altar Calls
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar
week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next
week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18
people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the
first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none
of them got up after he was done.
Something's Gotta Move
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would
be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I
would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit
won't move you--the prune juice will!"
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the
primary and central component or heart. This is due to a
malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This
defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal
Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily
symptomized by loss of moral judgment. Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this
defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free
of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations
throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in
your area is:
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction,
voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and
problems too numerous to list. For free emergency service, call on
J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I
haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm
really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from
then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."
From dust you are taken..to dust you shall return
A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room
to change his clothes. When he emerged he asked his mother, "Is it
true we come from dust?" "Yes dear," replied mother. "Is it
true that when we die we go back to the dust?" "Yes dear, that's
right." The little boy ran into his room and came out all
excited, "Mom, I just looked under my bed and there's someone
either coming or going!"
Some Real-Life Humor
When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord's Prayer
to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn't
understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years
later when I ran across the faded page with the child's
writing..... "and lead a snot into temptation".....