Seasonal Humor

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New Year's Humor

Top 5 Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

5. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
3. Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.
2. Gain weight. Put on at least 15 pounds.
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

Baptist Radio Weather Forecast:
"And the New Year's Day weather... Mostly cloudy with a 30% chance of Jesus coming down on the clouds."
 

Out of the Mouths of Babes
On New Year's Eve Night, we walked down the road talking about the beautiful fireworks we had just seen (the entire country of Holland goes up in fireworks at midnight). My husband pointed at the stars and said to our 4 year old daughter: "Look, Ninon, that's God's firework." After pondering this for a while she said: "Do you know why God made it so high in the sky?" "No," my husband said, "why did he?" She replied with conviction: "Because He's the only one who can reach up there!" (Kersbergen family, Holland)

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies:

• 1. I will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses.

• 2. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

• 3. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?"
  I won't reply "DPS Tech Support."

• 4. I will think of a password other than "password."

• 5. I will stop checking for an online sermon at 3:00 in the morning.

 

The Gravestone Message
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."

Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"

New Year's Day or Football Day?
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

---

Valentine's Day:

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".">p">
 

---

Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.

---

The 12-step chocoholics program:
NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!

---

This guy found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a genie,
and he gave him three wishes.
The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million dollars.
Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible.
And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof! he turned into a box of chocolates.

---

A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

 

---

Humor for Lent:

MEMORANDUM

TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.
          Woodcrafters shop.
          Nazareth.

FROM: Jordan Management Consultants.
             Jerusalem.

SUBJECT: Staff Aptitude Test.

DATE: May 22/30
 
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you
picked for management positions in your new organization.
All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have
not only run the results through our computer but also have
arranged personal interviews for each of them with our
psychologist and vocational consultant.
 
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are
lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for
the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have
the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your
search for persons of experience in managerial ability and
proven capability.
 
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of
temper.
Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place
personal interest above company loyalty.
Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine
morale.

We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has
been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business
Bureau.
James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely
have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score
on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is
a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has
a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is
highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend
Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All
other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

---

 

Marquee Sayings for Lent:

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

It's hard to stumble when you're
down on your knees.

What part of "Thou Shalt Not"
don't you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death. 
Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride. 
He will always want to drive.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides. 
God adds and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don't let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don't like Him,
the devil will always take you back.

Fish for Lent
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.   This went on each Friday of Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John.  He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.  They decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic.  They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.  They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic."  The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around.  The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.  The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?   They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.  The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.  He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

 

Getting Ready for Lent

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
 

An alternative reading of the Scripture passage about the woman caught in adultery:
...and Jesus said: "the one among you who is without sin throw the first stone." Just as he finished his sentence a stone whirred past his head from behind, barely missing him. He turned around and said: "MOM!

The End is Near!
Father Boudreaux and pastor Thibodeaux were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying "De End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car. Well this one car that passed didn't appreciate the sign and was shouting at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and Father Boudreaux said....."You think we should just put up a sign that says: 'bridge out' instead ?"
Harold in Alabama

Loyal Secretary?
A woman called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough. The secretary said I'm sorry, but we don't refer to our pastor as a hog. The lady said I was calling to give your church ten thousand dollars. The secretary then said well hold the phone, I think I see that fat pig coming down the hall right now.

The Story of a Circuit Rider
A preacher was wanting to buy a horse to make his visits in a small farming town. He was sent to an old farmer that had a very unique horse. The preacher wanted to try the horse out, so the old farmer told him what made the horse unique. "If you want the horse to go forward," the old farmer said, "shout Praise the Lord. If you want the horse to stop, yell Hallelujah." The preacher mounted the horse and shouted Praise the Lord. The horse started running. The preacher was so excited that he let the horse continue to run until he saw a great cliff ahead. He yelled stop, halt, quit; but the horse kept running. The preacher finally remembered the words of the old farmer and yelled Hallelujah just in time. The horse skidded to a halt on the very edge of the cliff. The preacher took off his hat, wiped his brow, and said, "Praise the Lord."
 

The Importance of Altar Calls
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.

Something's Gotta Move
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

RECALL NOTICE!
IMPORTANT!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component or heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment. Some other symptoms are:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent, behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect, at numerous locations throughout the world. The number to call for the recall station in your area is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list. For free emergency service, call on J-E-S-U-S for prompt assistance at any location worldwide.

Lenten prayer
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help."

From dust you are taken..to dust you shall return
A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change his clothes. When he emerged he asked his mother, "Is it true we come from dust?"     "Yes dear," replied mother.  "Is it true that when we die we go back to the dust?"  "Yes dear, that's right."  The little boy ran into his room and came out all excited, "Mom, I just looked under my bed and there's someone either coming or going!"     

 

---

Humor for Easter
 

Nothing is certain except what and taxes?!?

 

The Gravestone Message
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."

Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"

Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

A: Hot Cross Bun(nies)

Six Things About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny:

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.

This happened a couple of Easters ago.
He comes to church once a year--always on Easter.  I'm glad to have this local rancher join us in worship and I shook his hand heartily as he left the church. 
"Great to worship with you today!"  I said.
"Really?" he responded.
"Sure.  It's always good to have you with us on Easter," I said.
He scratched his head.  "Well, maybe I'd come more often if you'd preach about something different!"  -- Rev. E. Marie Gasau

Good Friday Humor
This is a true story, told to me by a Sunday School teacher:   She was teaching the children about the meaning of Good Friday and asked the group if any of them knew what happened to Jesus on that day. "Sure," piped up a little boy, "he got hammered!"

The Show Must Go On
One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a pretty good show for the nickel you put in the collection plate." BB-AL 

Waiting for Jesus!
When my son was two and a half I had sent him to clean his room but each time he went in, he got distracted by all the toys and nothing got put away.
Following some principals I had learned at a recent prayer conference I went in and said to him, "Stephen, what did mommy tell you to do?"
"Clean my room"
"And did you clean your room?"
"No." he replied quietly.
I disciplined him and then helped him to pray and confess his error to God and ask Jesus to help him get his room cleaned.  He seemed to respond really well to all of this and I thought, "Wow, this stuff really works."
But Stephen just got down and sat in the middle of the mess, doing nothing.
In frustration I asked, "Stephen, what are are you doing?'
He replied, just as frustrated, "I'm waiting for Jesus to come and help me clean my room!"   ...Linda Eberly, Bennington, VT
 

Church Bulletin Blooper:
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Lasting Palm Sunday Impressions
My wife planned an activity for our two and one-half year old daughter during the week following Palm Sunday. After having her cut and paste brightly colored construction paper coats and palm branches on a picture of Jesus riding into Jerusalem, she spread coats in our hallway, and the three of us walked over them, shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" A couple of days later, we reminded Jamie that the following Sunday was Easter. "Do you know what that means?" her mother asked. "Yes!" Jamie chirped enthusiastically. "We're going to church, and Jesus is going to come and walk on our coats!"

In the Secret Service
A gentleman was in front of me coming out of church one day.  The preacher grabbed him by the hand, pulled him aside and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "

Pretty good for a nickel
One Easter, a family that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." The Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon their 9 year-old boy said, "I thought they were pretty good for the nickel you put in the collection plate."

Lovely Dress
My friend Sam Caldwell swears this really happened to him. Sam is an old retired country preacher who fills in regularly in our parts. Sam doesn't hear well at all, so everyone, even the children, know to speak loudly to him. One Easter Sunday, all the children came up for the children's message. Sam said to one little girl, "My that's a lovely dress. Is it new?" And the girl shouted, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron!"

How to kill eggs
Our daughter Lauren was 5. On the Saturday before Easter we were just finishing lunch when she jumped up excitedly and asked, "When are we going to KILL the eggs?" It took us awhile, but we finally decided she wanted to DIE the eggs.

What is Easter?
A Sunday School teacher was attempting to teach her young students the true meaning of Easter. "Why do we celebrate Easter?" she asked.  When the children replied 'because of the Easter bunny,' Easter eggs, candy, spring, etc., she said, "No, those are Easter traditions and symbols, but what is the REASON why we celebrate Easter?    What happened at the very first Easter?"  A little girl raised her hand and said, "Easter celebrates Jesus coming out of the tomb."    "Yes!" said the teacher, excited and relieved that finally the correct answer had surfaced.  Encouraged, she prompted, "Jesus arose from the tomb, and what does He do for us?"  The youngster replied, "He looks to see if he can see his shadow, and if He can, he goes back in for another six weeks."

 

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Mother's Day Humor
 

Mom, the good shepherd

My mom is my shepherd; I shall not want. She makes me lie down under cool, downy comforts. She watches me play beside still waters. She restores my soul.

She leads me in paths of respect, responsibility, and goodness, for I am her namesake!

Yea, even though I walk past monsters in the dark, I will not be ascared, because my mom is always near me. Her hands and her voice, they comfort me.

Mama sets the table and cheerfully calls me to dinner even in front of big, mean bullies.

She anoints my skinned knees and broken heart with kisses. She smiles and throws me a towel when my cup runneth over.

Surely God's peace, power, and mercy shall uphold me all the days of my life, for my Mother taught me to dwell in the house of God forever.

Source: Christian Education 101: A Child Learns to Trust by Laurie Hays Coffman

Humor for Father's Day

Resources by DPS

   
Five Original Excuses to use if you forgot to call
"Dear Old Dad" on Father's Day:

5. "Your E-mail bounced."
4. "Thought you were supposed to call me."
3. "Did I surprise you by calling the day after Father's Day?"
2. Two words: "NBA Finals"
1. "I thought it was Mother's Day and called Mom instead."

Does your Dad speak with the voice of Reason or the
voice of Doom? What fatherly sayings had the biggest
influence on your life? Here are some fatherly sayings:

Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.
You didn't beat me. I let you win.
I'll play catch after I read the paper.
A little dirt never hurt anyone-just wipe it off.
You call that a haircut?
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
You call that noise "music"?
We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?
Didn't your teacher learn you anything?

Father's Day One-Liners:

• This is what my son said to me when he returned from
  boot-camp. "Dad, you're not as dumb as I thought".

• On the occasion of my brother's 21st birthday, my Dad
  said," Happy Birthday son. Now that you are a legal adult,
  remember you can go to jail with the big boys!"

• My dad always said "You can't get lost if you don't know
  where you are." clw in co

• My father's wise words have kept me out of some trouble,
  but not all...he used to say frequently, "Whenever in doubt
  don't!" Unfortunately I didn't doubt enough. BB in IL

This is a true story. One day, when I was about 19 years old, I
was changing the toilet paper roll, and unfortunately dropped the
wooden dowel down the toilet. My father was pretty angry with
me for my mistake. But he set out to take apart the fixture to
remove the dowel. He went into the basement to shut off the
water, and wanted me to help. I unfortunately turned the wrong
 valve and he got blasted with water. When he got dried off, I
drove him to the plumbing supply house for parts. By then I was
 even more upset, so when I parked the car I unfortunately got too
 close to the curb, rubbed the tire and got a flat. My poor Dad
changed the tire, bought the parts, fixed the toilet, turned back
on the water, and went on with his day. He passed away over
15 years ago, but I still remember his patience and restraint of
that day. Happy Father's Day, Dad!

_______

 

My dad and myself, never really had a chance to know each other
until I graduated from Bible college and was married. He was an active
drinker (high volume) until I was a late teen. One Sunday afternoon as
my wife and and I were leaving my parents house, I leaned over and
gave pop a hug. He grabbed me very tightly and in my ear said "I love
 you son," - The first time I ever remember him saying that! I told him
 the same and left the house on cloud nine. That "tradition" has not changed
for over 16 years now! Dads, TELL YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM
AND LOOK THEM IN THE EYE WHEN YOU DO IT!

Humor for the Pentecost Season

Dramatic Decoration for Pentecost with colorful drapes
Photo by Marcia McFee

In Case of Experiencing Sudden Pentecost Symptoms:

If you suddenly find yourself caught in an indoor tornado and your scalp on fire, it might be ...Pentecost.

Know what to do:

Notify the front desk.

Fight the urge to stop, drop and roll - You ain't puttin; this Fiyah out!

Make disciples of all nations!

Invest in a toupee. Bald preachers are shady.

 

Pentecost is stifled?
OUR parish priest had a flair for the dramatic. He got the idea of having a pigeon released from the belfry on Pentecost just at the moment when, on the church steps in front of the procession of worshipers, he would say, "Come, Holy Spirit!"   Pentecost came, and the sacristan put a pigeon in a bag, went upstairs to the belfry and waited. When the priest pronounced the words, nothing happened.  A few seconds later, we heard a voice from the belfry, "It's stifled!"

Trying to be more "Pentecostal?"
While preaching a revival a couple of years back I was sitting on the platform with the pastor during what was a rather stirring Pentecostal worship service. As the the people were singing and praising the Lord, the words to an old hymn came to my mind that would go very well with my sermon that night. I quickly grabbed a song book from nearby, looked up the song and hurriedly attempted to memorize the page number.(#238)  Right about that time a 'fresh wave of worship' began to swell among the entire church as people began to leap to their feet and shout praises unto the Lord. Wanting to join them I laid aside the book and rose to shout "Hallelujah!"  Instead of the intended shout of praise, however, what I heard myself cry out was "Page 238" !!!

Too much excitement in church?
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"

Pentecostal Faith:
A little boy told by his mother that he might go on a picnic she had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've already prayed for rain."
 

Is anybody out there?
As a student in CPE I worked in a women's prison with Pentecostal and Baptist women in the congregation. As a Presbyterian it was a shock when they would reply as I preached. I began to like the dialogue with them. "Amen, Sister." Then I went to a Presbyterian Church, I wondered if anyone was out in the congregation. I was tempted to ask them. I got my answer when people filed out and an old woman said, "I sat by the fan and couldn't hear a word but I am sure you were fine."  --Sue in Cuba, KS

Humor for Pastor Appreciation Day / Month

Thanksgiving Humor

The Three Gifts
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then said "gold, frankincense, and humor". We could all use that!