Denomination Humor

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A woman died and descended into heaven. As she walked to the pearly gates of heaven, she  saw St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter asked her, her domination. She answered "I don't have one". So St. Peter took her to different religions ,in separate rooms. First he open the door where the  Baptist were. They were all drinking and having great time! Then St. Peter took her to the Methodist, they were dancing and having great time!!!! She looked at St. Peter with a surprised look. He then took her to the room where the Catholics were. They were just sitting around twiddling there thumbs! So she turns to St. Peter with another puzzled look. So He tells her that the Catholics were all partied out since they were able to do everything on earth. Contributed by S. Garcia in Texas


An Amish  woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm  n
ot going to cite you," said the  officer. "I  just wanted to warn
you that  the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could 
be dangerous." "I  thank thee," replied  the Amish lady.  "I shall have my husband 
repair it as soon as I return  home."

"Also," said the  officer, "I  noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped  around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals,  so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again  I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about  the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the  Amish woman, "The  policeman said there  was something wrong  with the emergency brake."

German Shepherd?

since the new pope is from Germany and since he is the shepherd of the catholic people...doesn't these facts make him a German Shepherd?
submitted by Fred

There was these three men who went to HELL, one was  a Catholic, one was a Baptist,
and one was a Christian Science. The devil was walking around to see why people were in HELL for.
The devil came to the Catholic and said , What about it boy why are you here?
And the Catholic said , Someone is praying me out of here. The devil came to the Baptist
and said, What about it boy why are you here? And the Baptist said, Man I did it, that's it,
I'm here  for eternity. The devil came to the Christian Science and said, What about it boy
why are you here? And the Christian Science said , Man I ain't  even here.

A Baptist, a Catholic and a Disciple of Christ were standing before the pearly gates.
   Jesus himself met them: "I have one question that you must answer: who do you say that I am?" The Catholic replied, "The church teaches . . ." Jesus interrupted, "I didn't ask about the church, I asked about you!  You cannot enter!"
   The Baptist answered, "The Bible says . . ." Jesus interrupted, "I didn't ask about the Bible, I asked you!  You cannot enter!"
   The DOC then said, "You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God!" Jesus said, "Yes, that is correct!" The DOC then continued, "but on the other hand . . ."

A man was standing off the edge of the Sydney Harbour Bridge --about to jump. A passer-by tried to talk him down; he asked: "well, are you a Christian?" to which the man answered "yes." He exclaimed: "great, me too; what kind of Christian are you? Orthodox, Catholic, Protestant?"  The answer was: "Protestant." "Me too; what kind of Protestant? Anglican, Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, Pentecostal?"  The man got excited: "me too; are you an initial evidence or a third wave Pentecostal?" "Initial evidence."  "Me too;  what kind of initial evidence? Are you a AOG, CRC, COC, CCC?" "AOG." Now, he got really excited: "Me too; are you Premillenial, Post Millenial or Amillenial?" The guy on the bridge said: "Amillenial" and with that the passer-by, becoming very angry, screamed: "Die, heretic!" and pushed him off the bridge.   

My wife and I (a pastor) had just been called to a new church and I went around town meeting the other pastors.  When I introduced myself to the Baptist pastor I mentioned that my wife was a former Baptist.  "I'll bet she's still a Baptist at heart", the Baptist pastor replied. "No she's not", I said jokingly, "she got saved!"  The Baptist pastor didn't laugh!

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? When he knocks on the door, he doesn't know why he's there.

I'm reminded of the story of when Ole moved up north. He discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday during the Lenten season, for it was torture for them. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. > > Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got > together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join > their church. > > The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on > Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, > and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now > you are a Catholic!" > > Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday > evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks > coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and > as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born > a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled > seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you are a trout!" > submitted by pulpitt in ND

A few more definitions for words near and dear to the hearts of Episcopalians everywhere:

Bulletin-- 1)Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.

Choir-- A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.

Recessional hymn-- The final hymn of an Episcopal Church service; this hymn is usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.

I recently noticed a set of unique definitions posted on the bulletin board at my home Episcopal parish. A sample:

Ushers--The only guys in the church who still do not know the actual seating capacity of a pew.

Relics--Older Episcopalians who still remember when to sit, stand, and kneel during an Episcopal service.

Question:  What's the great thing about being an Episcopalian?

Answer:  Being an Episcopalian never interferes with your politics.  (...OR your religion! )

A  heard around some Episcopal Churches goes like this:

Question:  What's the difference between God and a bishop?

Answer:  Well...GOD doesn't think He's a BISHOP !

Lack of Faith:

There were three great religious leaders standing at the top of a 100-floor building.    The first religious leader was a Buddhist, the second was Islamic, the third was a Christian.   All of them agreed to show the authenticity of their faith by jumping at the top of the building and landing unharmed.   The buddhist jumped first, and as he was about to hit the ground, he positioned his body in a meditative position.  Then, the buddhist said, "BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA."  The Buddhist started to elevate in mid-air.  He didn't fall and he was not hurt.  The Islamic was next.  When he was about to fall, he said, "Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed."  Yet still he went straight to the ground, his whole body broken, and in seconds was lifeless.   The Christian, still desiring to prove his courage and faith, jumped off the 100-story builing and went soaring to the ground.   When he was about to fall, he shouted, "JESUS, JESUS, JESUS."  But the situation did not change.  As he was still soaring to his death towards the ground, with a couple of seconds left till impact, he suddenly changed his body position into a meditative position just like that of the Buddhist and started to chant, "BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA." The Christian started to elevate from the ground...    (This is a  but we often change faith when the situation seems hopeless.   Still I trust in Jesus! - DAG)

Three friends ended up in hell together.  One was a Methodist (they believe you can "backslide") the other was a Baptist ("once saved always saved") and the other one was a Christian Scientist (positive confesser).  The Methodist looked over at the Baptist friend and said: "I'm here and I always knew I would be."  The Baptist looked over at the Christian Scientist and said: "I'm here and I demand to know why!" 

The Christian Scientist looked at both of them and said: "I'ts NOT hot and I'm NOT here!"

Different Denominational Ministries:

The Methodists pick you up out of the gutter.

The Baptists get you saved.

The Presbyterians educate you.

The Episcopalians introduce you to high society.

Then the Methodists have to pick you up out of the gutter again.