Christian kids humor by JavaCasa

Out of the Mouths of Babes

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

I was playing volleyball one day at the school gym and asked my 5 year old son to please promise me that he would be a good son, no running, no horse playing etc. But, every time I would turn around, he would be running and acting up. Finally, I went up to him and grabbed him by his arm and reminded him of the promise he made, and he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, but I have used it all up". Juan Garcia

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

My six year old son asked his grandma

"grandma when we get to heaven, do we have to stay there?

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Be nice to your kids... someday, they'll choose your nursing home.

One Monday morning as I frantically ran around the house attempting to get ready for work, my progress was slowed by my 3-year-old daughter Carole, who, like most 3 year olds, had a million questions. After shaving, as I was rummaging through the my drawer looking for my after shave, she had one more question: "Daddy, what do you need?" Being a little irritated by this time with all the questions, I responded, "a little peace and quiet." Carole left the room, only to return moments later, saying "Sorry Daddy, I couldn't find you any pieces of quiet."    ...Jack Fort Walton Beach FL

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

My wife and I took our 5-year-old son to the natural history museum to see the dinosaur bones. My wife explained one of the exhibits to our son by saying, "See, that big dinosaur is eating the smaller one." He promptly responded by saying, "Wow, he must be going to hell!"   ...Aaron, OK.

A little boy told by his mother that he might go on a picnic she had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've already prayed for rain."

A little child was looking through his grandmothers Bible and found a crushed flower that was quite wilted, as it fell from the Bible He called to his Mother, "Come quick Mom, I think I found Adams suit.

Children's Prayers:

Dear God: This is my prayer. Could you please give my brother some brains.    So far he doesn't have any. Angela, 8

Dear Lord: Thank you for the nice day today. You even fooled the TV weather man. Hank, 7

Dear God: Please help me is school. I need help in spelling, adding, history, geography and writing. I don't need help in anything else. Lois, 9

Dear God: I need a raise in my allowance. Could you have one of your angels tell my father. Thank you. David, 7

Dear God: I am saying my prayers for me and my brother, Billy, because Billy is six months old and he can't do anything but sleep and wet his diapers. Diane, 8

Sunday School Wisdom

A collection of Interesting facts revealed by young people in Sunday school!

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibals.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

A mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still. Here's how: about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood
tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's
wife."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

One day as we drove past a fast-food playland, my three-year-old, Logan, insisted we stop. I told him we didn't have time that day and he cried, "You have to take me to playland, it's the law! It's in the Bible!"

My friend's four-year old began Sunday School recently. When his teacher asked him if he wanted to pray for anyone, he thought for a moment and said, "Pray for Forrest Gump, he got shot in the buttocks."

My son Logan started Sunday School at eighteen months, and he liked to go to God's house. One day he told me proudly that he knew where God lived - he lived in the walls. Obviously, if it was God's house but we never saw him!

I was doing a children's sermon about how the presence of God is always with us in good times or in bad times. I asked them what were some of the things they liked to do. The responded with, "Play baseball!" etc.. Then I asked them what were some of the things they didn't like. Little Megan grabbed the microphone and spoke loudly into it: "I really hate it when I'm playing my video game and the dog comes in and s**ts on the floor!"

My son Jason also started Sunday School at eighteen months, and he didn't like going to church. So my grandma began teaching the nursery class to reassure him. One day the pastor asked him if he liked to learn about Jesus. He replied irritably, "I don't like Jesus; I like Grandma Louise!"

My daughter took our 3 eyear old grandson to a pee-wee football game and ran into our pastor. They talked for a few minutes and then parted. The next day on the way to church, my grandson said,"Mommy, why are we going to church again today?" She told him it was because God wants us to go to His house at least once a week, and today was set aside for Him. Then he promptly stated that he had just seen God yesterday and he was eating some popcorn at the football game.

A teacher was standing in the school hall, teaching the 7-11 year olds about Jesus. Standing there with a red-bound book entitled, "Stories of Jesus" he said to the assembled children, "Children, if Jesus were to come here today, what would you say to him?" A little boy declared, "I would show him the book, and then I'd say, "Jesus Christ, This is Your Life!"

My son James is four. Whenever he hurts himself we lay hands on the injury and pray for healing. The other day he cut his left finger, took hold of it and prayed: "Jesus come out of my heart, go down my arm and fix my finger. Please Jesus, Amen."
     Another time he said grace before our meal. "Dear God, bless our food and don't let my sisters head fall off". His sister was 6 months old at the time; I couldn't help wondering what James had planned to do with his sister.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, �what was Jesus� mother's name?�
A Child answered, �Mary.� The teacher then asked, �and what was her husband�s name?�
Another child answered, �The Verge.� Confused, the teacher asked, �where did you get that?�
The child replied: �You know, they are always talking about �the Verge �n Mary.�

A little boy was asking after attending Sunday School what he had learned.
The little boy said, I learned that God's name is "Harold". Harold.....asked his mom ?
Who told you God's name was Harold ? It says it right in the Bible.........Our father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.

The Sunday School teacher was telling the kindergarteners the story of Joseph and coat of many colors. Teacher: "Then Joseph's brothers got angry about their father giving Joseph the coat, so they sold him to some traders passing by in a caravan."
My 5-year-old: "They had the same kind of car we have! We have a Caravan!"

When my son was two and a half I had sent him to clean his room but each time he went in, he got distracted by all the toys and nothing got put away.
Following some principals I had learned at a recent prayer conference I went in and said to him, "Stephen, what did mommy tell you to do?"
"Clean my room"
"And did you clean your room?"
"No." he replied quietly.
I disciplined him and then helped him to pray and confess his error to God and ask Jesus to help him get his room cleaned. He seemed to respond really well to all of this and I thought, "Wow, this stuff really works."
But Stephen just got down and sat in the middle of the mess, doing nothing.
In frustration I asked, "Stephen, what are are you doing?'
He replied, just as frustrated, "I'm waiting for Jesus to come and help me clean my room!"   ...Linda Eberly, Bennington, VT

My 7 yr old son told me last Sunday that you get chocolate milk from brown cows.

Thinking that I could get him to see the silliness of it all, I asked him what kind of milk he thought red and white cows make. Without hesitation he stated in "duh-like" manner: "strawberry milk, mom!"

My nephew had just learned to read and was practicing by reading every sign he saw as his family drove down the local restaurant row. As they approached Joe's Crab Shack, the boy read slowly, "Crab Shack," "Crab Shack," then excitedly said to his mother, "Crab Shack! Mom that's in the Bible, Crab Shack and Abednigo!"
Dewayne R. in Tennessee

A little 3Yr. old boy was crying very loud and his parents rushed into the room. He had swallowed a penny and was convinced he was going to die. Nothing they could say would convince him otherwise.
Finally the Father palmed a penny rubbed his son's stomach and pretended to pull the penny out of his sons ear. The little boy started smiling when he saw the penny. Though he quickly snatched it out of his Father's hand swallowed it and said: "do it again Dad."
Harold in Alabama

There was a young boy who was saying a prayer out loud one night and his brother was listening to him. This boy asked God for a fresh milkshake in the morning. His brother said: "just shake a cow and milk it. It will save God the trouble."

My son's Primary Sunday School teacher was attempting to explain the role of a shepherd using young David as an example. After giving a brief description, she asked the class, "Now, what does that make David?" She was hoping one of them would say "a shepherd."

However, in response my son stated matter of factly - "Oh about a thousand bucks a year!"

Two children were sitting in church, one about four years of age the other about six years of age. The little brother kept talking outloud, and the older sister tried to make him be quite. He very emphatically declares, who can stop me? She whispered in his ear, "Do you see those hushers back there.

A mother asked her son what the lesson was about in Sunday School that morning. "Cherry Coke," he answered confidently. > "Cherry Coke?" his mother asked. "Are you sure?" > "Oh, yes," he replied. "We even sang a song about it. 'Joshua fought the battle of Chery Coke, Cherry Coke." > John Baumgartner

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

Joke

A navy officer's little girl came back from Sunday School. She was asked what she had studied and said, "We studied the Ten Commanders.... and learned they're always broke!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples!"

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven?'"

Having listened to the nativity story at playgroup, my three year old grand daughter, Eleanor, said to the leader, "Well, I think baby Jesus got some rotten presents - Gold, Frankincense and Myrr! When my cousin, Isabel, was born I took her a teddy bear!!" > Keith Alexander

Our 5 year old daughter, Cynthia, was concerned that each time we sang a certain praise chorus, that God would stand up and lose all the candy from His lap. It took us awhile, but we finally figured out she thought we were singing, "Let God arise and His M & M's be scattered", when we were actually singing, "Let God arise and His enemies be scattered."

Two children were talking and one said to the other, "Pontius Pilot must be a tree." "Why is that so?" asked the other. "Well, Jesus was crucified under Pontius Pilot."

One Sunday morning before church I reminded my 6 year old grandson about having to be quiet during Mass. As soon as our service ended he ran up the aisle to me yelling "Did you hear me being quiet Paw Paw?"

Our daughter Lauren was 5. On the Saturday before Easter we were just finishing lunch when she jumped up excitedly and asked, "When are we going to KILL the eggs?" It took us awhile, but we finally decided she wanted to DIE the eggs. > > Danny Wiley > danny@minister.com

I was working in a Church run preschool when one little boy's family was blessed with triplets. Soon afterwards the little boy excitedly ran into class one morning telling us how his grandma, grandpa and all his cousins were coming to visit. I asked him why they were coming and he said with all coviction and excitement "MY BABIES ARE BEING CAPSIZED!"

Our 4-year old grandson, Alex, was riding with my wife, Lou, when a driver pulled out on her. As she is prone to do in such situations, he got to hear from her when she yelled, "Watch it, sucker!" A couple of days later, they were riding together again and a driver cut Lou off and she yelled, "Can't you use your turn signals, sucker?!" Alex says, "Yeah, watch it lollipop!" ...Bud Brooks, Pastor, Stamping Ground

Our youth minister recently was sharing with the children in "Children's Church". He began by asking if anyone knew how to fish. One little girl raised her hand and said she was a "professional fisherman." He proceeded to ask her some questions. "If you want to catch catfish, what bait do you use?" She responded, "worms". Then he asked, "If you want to catch bass, what do you use?" She repied, "garlic". Everyone laughed. Then he asked, "Well, what would you use if you wanted to catch men?" Without hesitation she said, "fried chicken."

Why did George Washington die standing up? Because he never lied!

A minister had recently moved into a new home, and discovered that he would need to get a lawn mower. He saw a young boy walking down the road, pushing an old mower. He offered to trade the boy an old bicycle for the mower. The boy ran home to get his parents approval. He returned, saying that the trade was ok by his parents. So the preacher gets the mower, and sends the boy away on a bike. The preacher then checks the fuel, etc, and pulls the cord to start the mower. The mower has other ideas. The preacher works on the mower for some time, getting tired and sweaty, but ot no avail. He looks up to see the boy riding the bike past his house. He calls the boy over to ask what is wrong with the mower. The boy replies that the mower will only start when someone gets mad and gives it a good cussing. The minister replies "Son, I am a preacher. I have practically forgotten how to cuss". The boy answers "Keep pulling the cord. You will remember".     >Greg

A priest asked the children in 3rd grade CCD to quote a text from scripture for each of the sacraments. For Baptism, one child answered: "Unless you are baptized with water and the Holy Spirit you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven." For Reconciliation, another child replied: "Whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven." "Very good," said the priest, "and who can tell me a text about marriage?" There was a pause as the children hesitated, and then after a few moments one of the children said: "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."

I had scheduled a visit with members of my congregation. When I arrived at their home, I was greeted by their grandson who looked me up and down and then asked, "Are you the creature? and then turned to his grandmother and asked, "Grandma,is this the creature?" Appears there had been conversation of my visit before my arrival. Some how, I think he was disappointed. Phil Nevius, MO

We were reading a Bedtime Bible Story to our two young boy's age 6 and 3. We were reading about the minor prophets of the Old Testament, and talked about Obadiah. My oldest son Trevar stopped me and said, "Daddy, He has the same last name as us."....submitted by Ronnie Dye,Arkansas

I taught preschool at a Methodist Church last year. I had a class of 4 and 5 year olds. We had our snack time in the kitchen which was by the sancturary and down the hall from the pastors office. On Wednesdays we had chapel and the students knew they had to stay quiet because they were in God's house. Most everyday when we went to break a certain little boy would point to the part of the building where the sanctuary was located and say, "God lives in there." But, one day he decided he would do a little investigating into the "realm of God." He got as far as the Pastor's office. He came running down the hall to where we were and yelled very excitedly, "Teacher, Teacher, God has a computer!"

On New Year's Eve Night, we walked down the road talking about the beautifull fireworks we had just seen (the entire country of Holland goes up in fireworks at midnight). My husband pointed at the stars and said to our 4 year old daughter: "Look, Ninon, that's God's firework." After pondering this for a while she said: "Do you know why God made it so high in the sky?" "No," my husband said,"why did he?" She replied with conviction: "Because He's the only one who can reach up there!"

(Kersbergen family, Holland)

In the middle of the children's sermon, I was telling the preschoolers that God makes trees and water and apples and cherries. God makes everything. Immediately one little boy complained up "God doesn't make my bed!"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..." His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." to which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:

"...sleep in heavenly peas";

"Joy to the world, the Savior rains";

"This is he whom Sears of old...";

"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";

"While shepherds washed their socks by night"

My son said after the offering one sunday: "God must be poor to be always needing our money!"

My children began reciting the Lord's Prayer at 2 1/2 years old and I remember my daughter very seriously praying, "Our father, whose art's in Heaven, Howard is His name..."

It was a Sunday night after church. The preacher had preached on having fire down in my bones. My mom was in a bad mood and cooking dinner for dad. I was in the kitchen when my mom burnt her hand on the pan. When she burnt herself, I said without hesitation, "Got FIRE down in your BONES?" My mom looked at me and burst out laughing.

I questioned my 4-year-old daughter on how a person gets saved. She answered that we will be saved by going to our church every Sunday and Wednesday.

When I told her that going to our church wouldn't save us, she responded: "Well then, we better find another church to go to!"

My Son was about 4 yrs. old and when we would travel on long trips I would tell him to lay down and go to sleep, that way the long trip would be over with quicker. One Sunday morning as he laid in the church pew going to sleep, I punched him and told him he needed to try to stay awake. He said to me, "Mom, I'm trying to get this over with quicker!" ...my son, Jeremy

As a Sunday School teacher of the 1st & 2nd graders, I once asked them to name things that God gives us to help us to grow. As many of the children named things like pizza, water and food, one little girl in the class as I came to her replied, "Hiccups". Children are truly a ray of sunshine.     ...by Debbie, Living Word Baptist Church

The first year of my grandaughter's soft ball, she was having trouble hitting the ball so I told her to pray before she started each game and God would help her . Well, the next game it was her time to bat and she swung the bat and hit the ball and made it to second base. The next time it was her bat she went up and hit the ball and made a home run.    As she finished her game she came running over to me and said, "Wow, grandma did you see that?" I said "Yes, that was wonderful! Did you pray first?" She replied with an excited voice: "Boy, did I pray to that Lord twice and it really did work!" ...by Kristen Kennedy's Grandma

In our church, we sing a song called "I Went to the Enemy's Camp". At the end of the song it says, "He's under my feet, Satan is under my feet."    There is a three year old girl in our church named Taylor and every time she was asked where Jesus lived, she would say, "Jesus lives in heaven". Well, one day someone asked her, "Taylor, where does Jesus live?" To which she replied, "Jesus lives in heaven." Then the person thought it would be cute to ask her where Satan lived, thinking that she wouldn't know what to say. Without missing a beat, Taylor said, "under my feet."

Robert, age 6, and Michael, age 7, are boys who live across the street from me.    Robert is black and Michael is white but they are oblivious to racial bias thanks to proper up-bringing. They have played together at each other's homes for quite some time. Finally, last week, Michael's parents asked if Robert could come over for dinner and watch a movie at their home. Robert's parents okayed it, and as he sat at the dinner table he noticed something was missing. Robert said "Where's the meat?" Michael replied, "I'm vegetarian." Robert paused and thought about it and replied back, "I'm African-American."

At Sunday school, the younger children were drawing pictures illustrating Biblical stories. The teacher walked by and noticed one little boy was drawing an airplane! "Oh, what Bible story are you drawing?" she asked. "This is the Flight into Egypt," the little boy answered. "See, here is Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. And this," he said, pointing to the front of the plane, "is Pontius. He's the Pilot."

A Sunday School teacher was attempting to teach her young students the true meaning of Easter. "Why do we celebrate Easter?" she asked. When the children replied 'because of the Easter bunny,' Easter eggs, candy, spring, etc., she said, "No, those are Easter traditions and symbols, but what is the REASON why we celebrate Easter?    What happened at the very first Easter?" A little girl raised her hand and said, "Easter celebrates Jesus coming out of the tomb."    "Yes!" said the teacher, excited and relieved that finally the correct answer had surfaced. Encouraged, she prompted, "Jesus arose from the tomb, and what does He do for us?" The youngster replied, "He looks to see if he can see his shadow, and if He can, he goes back in for another six weeks."

The Power of Advertisement:

The Lutherans, famous for potluck and green lime jello, held a celebration for the 6th grade class. As they moved into Junior High School, one of the 6th Grade Girls was asked to say Grace and was panic stricken. Her mother suggested she just remember everyone for their contribution and thank God for the food and the fellowship. The young girl mustered up all her courage and began:

"Dear God, I'd like to thank You for Mrs. Johnson's baked beans, and Mrs. Nelson's potato salad, and Mr. Hauge's roast beef, and Mrs. Peterson's cranberry surprise..."

The list of thanks went on for 27 more items on the potluck table. As she reached the end she said, "and Lord last but not least I'd like to thank you for the coffee... and when I say coffee, I mean FOLGERS! In Jesus name, Amen!"

Every Sunday after I finish playing the piano, I go next door with the children to teach Sunday School.   One Sunday a girl was waiting in the toddler nursery and her mom asked me to be sure to go by and get her. Well, as I left the piano, I forgot. I realized at the end of class what I had done and found the little girl to apologize. Monday I also dropped a note in the mail to her. The next Sunday I made a point to go retrieve her from the nursery. "No," she said, "I want to stay here." I assured her I was really sorry and that I wouldn't forget her. "No, I want to get another letter from you," she replied.

Heard this at The Walk to Emmaus:

A little boy got a new tie for his birthday. Sunday morning, he wore the new tie to church. He was so proud of his tie. He made sure everyone noticed it.    Once the congregation settled down, the preacher approached the pulpit in preparation for the offering. The preacher said, "Now is the time we give back to the Lord. Please give your tithes(ties) and offerings to Christ." The little boy looked at his father and said, "Daddy, he wants my tie!"

Angie D adavis@cpomail.net

I was listening to the heartbeat of a child at work one day. I asked the child, "Who will I hear in your heart?" The child replied to me, "Jesus, he is in my heart." This response totally touched me. I'm so glad this child has Jesus in his heart.

Angie D adavis@cpomail.net

This is a true story, told to me by a Sunday School teacher:   She was teaching the children about the meaning of Good Friday and asked the group if any of them knew what happened to Jesus on that day. "Sure," piped up a little boy, "he got hammered!"

A little girl was talking with her Grandfather, who was the minister, when a call came in from a member of the congregation to pray for her. Thinking this was a good opportunity to share about prayer with his granddaughter, the minister said, "Honey, when we pray, who are we praying to?" The granddaughter replied, "Why Granddad, we're praying to Andy." "Andy? Why do you say that?"    "Well, Granddad," she said, "we sang about God last week and his name is Andy." The minister asked, "Can you sing the song for me?"    "Sure! Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me..."

When my son was 8 yrs of age, He was in a Christmas Pageant at our church. His line started "And the Virgin Mary was with Child." He did his line correctly at every rehearsal. On the night the of the presentation everything was going wonderful. All the children were relaxed and reciting their lines without flaw. It came time for my son to recite his line and this is exactly how it came out: "And the Viking Mary was with Child."   It was quite a job for all the adults watching the presentation to restrain ourselves and not bellow out in laughter. ...Patty Lousiana

A 7-year-old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!"   Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? What does it mean?" "That's easy, dad.......It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

My son and wife and their 2 1/2 year-old son were on the way to church one Sunday.    Alec, my grandson, has begun to recognize where they are traveling in town.    All of a sudden, he sat up in his car seat and said, "Turn Around! Turn Around! I don't need to go to church!" At this point, without losing a beat my son answered, "But Daddy and Mommy do!"

A man and his grandson were traveling in the car, when they suddenly heard the wail of a siren. The man pulled over to the side of the road to let the speeding ambulance go by, and said, "Oh Dear God! Someone has had an accident." To which his grandson replied, "Wow, all that fuss just because someone wet his pants!"

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

When visiting my grandfather's church, the vicar was saying a prayer. It turned out to be a rather long prayer and my younger brother shouted out 'AMEN'!     The vicar finished the prayer there and then!
--Tim Steele

Concerned over a raging thunderstorm, a mother picked up her six-year-old from Kindergarten. As mom and child leave the school building they are met with thunder and heavy rains. Instead of running toward the car as fast as she can, however, the child would stop, look, and smile at every lighting flash. Finally, the mother asked, "What are you doing?" Her child answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.    "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny, "I asked Him to help you put up with me!"

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God.    If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.    She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"

When my daughter was four years old, a beloved kitty died. She was thinking about Snowball when we were enroute somewhere. She said, "Is there a cat heaven?"   Before we could answer her question, she added, "If there is a cat heaven, there must be a cat Jesus."   ...JU

I lost my 13-yr-old brother a couple months ago, and I explained Heaven to my almost-3-yr-old son that when you get to Heaven you can't return to earth. We were at my grandmother's house and my husband was using my grandmother's recliner that vibrated. When we were eating dinner, my husband told my step-dad that when he was in the recliner he felt like he was in Heaven. My son looked at him and said, "You went to Heaven daddy? What went wrong?"    ...DWright

One day during our children's sermon, I was telling the kids about how the angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help bring Jesus into the world. One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene. Then another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel left her. Instantly this little girl chimed in with "I'll bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!"

A minister was asking a group of children, "Do you know where God lives?" One excited little boy raised his hand and replied, "In the bathroom!!!" "In the bathroom?" questioned the minister. "Yes" said the boy adamantly. "What makes you think he lives there?" asked the minister. "Well, just this morning, my dad went to the bathroom door, knocked and said 'Good Lord are you still in there?'"

One day Luke (age of 3) and Lemuel(age of 2) (who are brothers) were watching TBN on channel 40 and Benny Hinn was on, laying hands on people and people were falling down. "Now," Luke told his brother Lemuel, "let's play 'In Jesus' name.'" So, Lemuel played first as Benny Hinn: he laid hands on Luke and said "In Jesus' name" and Luke purposely fell down. "Now," Luke said, "it's my turn!" So it was. Luke laid hands on Lemuel and said "In Jesus' name," but Lemuel didn't fall. So Luke told Lemuel "you have to fall!" So he pushed Lemuel, and Lemuel fell.    ...LSP

One night Mom Grace told little Praise (who is 3 years old and has a dad whose a song leader in a church), "Praise, you pray now." But little Praise told her Mom, "No, I don't want to pray!" Mom Grace said to little Praise," Remember you are going to be a Pastor, so you have to pray now." But now hear what little Praise told her Mom: "No, I don't want to be a Pastor anymore, I'm just gonna be a song leader like daddy." (she thinks song leaders don't pray as hard as pastors.) ha,ha,ha.... LSP

There was a five-year-old boy who went to Sunday school, and after class his father asked him "What do you learn?" The young boy said, "The teacher told us about Moses and how he brought his people out of Egypt and when they got to the Red Sea that the pharaoh was following them with his army and Moses looked up to God and prayed for help and God sent Moses concrete to build a bridge." The father looked at his son and asked "Is that what she said?" The boy shook his head and said "No, but if you do not believe this, your not going to believe what she really said!"

One of our friends who was a pastor at a small church realized that she'd been mixing ministry and mothering a bit too much as she tried to dress her daughter in a hurry to get her ready for Sunday service. Holding the toddler's tights, she said to her daughter, "Lift up your legs." Quickly the kid responded, "We lift them up unto the Lord."

After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then said "gold, frankincense, and humor".   We could all use that!

On a recent "Kids Say the Darndest Things" show, one boy answered the question "What's the best way to get into heaven" with the one-word answer: "Die."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.    Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.    Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."    "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."