A Pastor's Life
Selected Jokes for Pastor Appreciation Month:


After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century." Someone spoke up, " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?" The pastor replied, " Let's take it one century at a time."

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Actual ad in the Drogheda Independant ! FOR SALE BY Pastor. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows freakin' everything.

A story about a new lector who had just learned all the letters written by St. Paul from a liturgy seminar.  One Sunday he was assigned to read the second reading. With all great feeling of confidence, he said with a loud, well modulated voice: "A second reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Philippines! (instead to the Philippians)!


Fr. Ed, fort lee, NJ

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

How to Address Inmates

A pastor just fresh from Bible College, was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison.

He was very excited but being his very first time, he was very nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood behind the pulpit, he said, ‘Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!’

by bauhinia


A Bishop had a dread of getting leprosy. He had read that the early signs are loss of feeling in the limbs, and was always pinching his legs, and if it hurt, he was reassured.


On one occasion at a dinner he reached under the table and pinched his leg. He couldn't feel a thing.  He pinched it again - harder this time. Still no sensation.


The Bishop visibly blanched and blurted out, " Oh, no ! I've got it ! "

" You've got what ? "

" I've got leprosy ! "

" But how do you know ? "

" Well, one of the early signs is loss of feeling in the leg. I've just pinched my leg twice and I didn't feel a thing ! "


A young lady sitting next to him remarked, " It was my leg you were pinching, Bishop. "


Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch.  As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.

     "Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.

     The drunk thought that over for a minute.  "Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill him!" 

submitted by Rita S.


Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give.   We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions.   We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building  projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished.  With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one.  May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact,  unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill, farewell offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to heaven. "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

A very innovative liturgy director, a religious sister, danced the offertory procession in 'attractive' costumes and playing the banjo. The bishop was presiding on this occasion of the pastor's golden jubilee. As the "dancer" approached the altar the bishop whispered to the pastor: "If she asked for your head on a platter, she'd have it!"

A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.

Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't heaven!"

When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have paper, they say that you were not prepared!

A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways." One man in the back began to laugh. So the pastor said it again louder. The man continued to laugh. The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"

A pastor was serving communion in a multicultural church. He was using "Pita Bread" for the loaf. when he got to serve to an Hispanic young girl, she said to him aloud: "I don't like flour tortilla, I like corn tortilla, Sir."

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him.............. and cried too.

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Three boys were arguing about whose Dad was the greatest. The Doctor's lad claimed his dad was the greatest because he was the richest. The other two boys said almost simultaneously, "how do you figure that?" The Doc's youngster said clearly, "folks will pay anything for my dad to make 'em well." The Lawyer's lad said, "yeah but my dad is richer than yours. My dad says your dad keeps doing something called malpractice and if he keeps it up he will have everything your dad owns and then some,like all the other doctors in town, so he is richer than your dad." Well the preacher's kid couldn't contain his pride any longer and proclaimed, "My dad is richer than both your dads." "Well," the doctor's kid inquired, "How do you figure that?" "Well," said the pk, "he owns hell, and let's face it, folks would pay everything they own and then some to avoid hell." "Well," cross examined the sharp-as-a-tack attorney's child, "how did your dad get to own hell?" "Its like this," the young pk replied, "my dad came home from the Board Meeting last!"

One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion with a twist.  When it came time to uncover the elements the grape juice looked darker than usual.  I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient's face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discoverd why the stange looks...the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, "Perhaps this is a Divine commentary on our spirituality...we need a little loosening up!"

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering. "Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us." Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!


A preacher went to visit an eldrly woman from his church who had just had an operation.As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed.He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave.When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts."Sister Jones,"he said" I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts."She replied "That's okay pastor,I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them."


My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic Priest and wanted to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going well, but when he asked if his Father had been a Priest, the conversation was over.


A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No." said he, "they live two farms down."

"No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years."

"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"

"When is it?" "It could be today or tomorrow."

"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"


A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach. He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".
"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."