Real-Life Humor

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I had not been preaching long at a rather "staid and proper" congregation when a fellow I did not recognize came forward at the invitation.  Upon questioning, I found that Earnest Ray was from "up in the hills" and he had come to church that morning to be baptized.  Not only that, but he brought all of his friends and relatives with him.  He said he wanted his relative to baptize him.
Not knowing the protocol of the new congregation, I let them get ready for the baptism while I waited with the rest of the church.  All the while, I kept wondering, "Should I step back there and give his relative a couple of 'pointers' regarding the baptism?" 
I should have gone back there.
When it came time for Earnest Ray to be baptized, his cousin said, "I now baptize you in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit", and proceeded to dunk him under the water.  The problem was, Earnest Ray panicked and grabbed hold of the edge of the baptistry. 
The relative wasn't about to just baptize part of Earnest Ray.  He held him under water and kept yelling "Turn Loose Earnest Ray!  Turn Loose!  It ain't gonna do you no good unless you turn Loose!"  This went on until Earnest Ray passed out long enough to turn loose.
Needless to say, the congregation was no longer staid and proper.  People were rollling in the aisles. 
Michael Joiner

I am NOT hard of hearing! 

I am not hard of hearing but, sometimes…  well, sometimes the words I hear just don’t seem to register quite right:

A group of us were enjoying coffee together and one of the ladies was excitedly sharing the fact she was getting a new Microwave Oven.  But she didn’t say she was going to “buy” or “purchase” one – she used the word “acquire” – she was going to acquire a Microwave Oven.

The conversation wasn’t making a lick of sense to me and I blurted out, “What in the world are you talking about?!”

Startled, and puzzled, she wondered what the problem was.  I explained, “I’ve got this vision of a choir loft full of Microwave Ovens with the doors opening and closing, the lights going on and off, and the buzzers buzzing…”

Got to Get a Job

My 3 year old niece is getting ready to graduate from pre-school. so she told her mother that she was going to make a speech at the graduation. Her mother said to her "You know what happens after you graduate?" . Her response "I GOTTA GET A JOB, RIGHT MOM?"

Long-Haired Drivers

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

Can't Keep Up With It

My Mother-in-law at a ripe old age of 88 has been in the nursing home for several years and is suffering from dementia.  The home has made her a special chair from PVC pipe with wheels.  When she first received her chair, she was so excited because she could visit with the other residence.  One day she was up and down the hall until she had worked up a sweat.  Finally, she stopped at the nurse's station and told the nurse on duty, "You've got to take the motor off this chair. I just can't keep up with it"! 

Mr. Rogers is in the "hood"

While watching "Mr. Rogers" with my 3 year old daughter, Hannah, one afternoon I explained to her that Mr. Rogers went to live in Heaven.  Hannah immediately said "No mama, he lives in the neighborhood!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!"

Have you ever noticed how geese fly in that V formation? Have you ever wondered why one side is always longer than the other? Answer- There's more geese on that side!

A local council (in the UK) built a new road (street) in which they also built a number of homes and flats (apartments) for the elderly. They were going to call the street "St. Peter's Close" until some wise person thought it was not appropriate for all the old people living there!

It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.

I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital's fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:

The older I get the better I was.

Adam and Cullen were very young cousins. Sitting together in church one Sunday with Adam's mother, the preacher started his sermon with, "Adam, where are you"? He paused, then cried out a little louder, "Adam, where are you"? Cullen looked puzzled and then, pointing to his cousin Adam, and shouted: "here he is!"
Sent By their grand-father, Rev. Odus Jackson

My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner.   As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal.   The pastor's young daughter said, "I'm sure glad it wasn't dog poop!".  Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh.  The pastor's wife had told the child before coming to my daughter's house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what - even if it was dog poop.


"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."

"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

"How do you think you got here?"

"You are just like your father."

"Do you think you were born in a barn?

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

"Just wait until your father gets home."

"You are going to get it when we get home."

"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."

A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town.  He went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog pen.

The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should wear."  The farmer agreed.

The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and didn't know what to wear."   submitted by Pastor Stein

From Linda Eberly: One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four.  I didn't expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet.  When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 "anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say "Uh-oh"

Liturgical Gaff
One time, during a particularly difficult time in a church job where I was the
assistant, I led the 5:30 Sunday evening communion service.  Afterwards,
an elderly parishioner came up to me and said "Do you know what you said
tonight?"  I looked at her, confused, and said no.  She said, "Well, instead of
"The Lord be with you" (to which the congregation replies "and also with you")
-- you said "The Lord be with me."  She said, "We all sort of stood there,
looked at each other, and then said, "and with us too!"  
And I had totally missed the whole exchange!

Yet a little while and you see me no longer!
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up afterthe Hymn of Meditation and declared..."Friends...My text for this  morning is'Be not afraid, for it is I !" Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind thelectern for the evening service.  After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacherstood on his platform...vestments fully visible..." text for this eveningis...Yet a little while and you see me no longer!" Just then the platform collapsedand down went the preacher.  "StayBlessed"


Another Overworked Pastor
I was multi-tasking, looking over a bulletin while simultaneously leaving a message on a conference official's voice mail. My eyes falling on the opening prayer of the bulletin, I concluded the voice mail message about a mundane insurance question with "Amen." --Pastor Sally


What's a rainbow?
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling
after eating skittles.  


A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."

After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together.  The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.

"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."


three boys were talking about their fathers excelence. One of them said: my father is a great professor.  When he is talking about a subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him! The second boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about his surgery only 5 person in the whole world can realize what he is saying. The third boy said: my father is a pastor, when he is preaching nobody can understand what he is saying.


My minister was acting secretary for the Christmas season so he had to make the bulletins.  He usually had his teacher wife proof-read them except for one fateful Sunday when the closing hymn was "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"


Many years ago when I was talking to my Junior Church class I asked them "Do you believe in God?"
Quck as a flash one boy said, "Yes, how else does my mother know when I have been stealing sugar?"


One sunday morning right in the middle of my sermon My daughter, who was three at the time, stood up on the front pew cocked her thumb back and shouted, "POW! I shot you. You're dead." I started to laugh, but as I looked out at the congregation, there wasn't a smile anywhere. I just wanted to go hide somewhere.


Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children's arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Annoucements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help "walk" to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the "chase was on."

Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office--I'm the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, "What's the matter?" He replied, "Hide me preacher, there's a 'demon' after me!"