Real-Life Humor
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I had not been preaching long at a rather "staid and
proper" congregation when a fellow I did not recognize came
forward at the invitation. Upon questioning, I found that Earnest
Ray was from "up in the hills" and he had come to church that
morning to be baptized. Not only that, but he brought all of his
friends and relatives with him. He said he wanted his relative to
baptize him.
Not knowing the protocol of the new congregation, I let them get
ready for the baptism while I waited with the rest of the church.
All the while, I kept wondering, "Should I step back there and
give his relative a couple of 'pointers' regarding the baptism?"
I should have gone back there.
When it came time for Earnest Ray to be baptized, his cousin said,
"I now baptize you in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the
Holy Spirit", and proceeded to dunk him under the water. The
problem was, Earnest Ray panicked and grabbed hold of the edge of
the baptistry.
The relative wasn't about to just baptize part of Earnest Ray. He
held him under water and kept yelling "Turn Loose Earnest Ray!
Turn Loose! It ain't gonna do you no good unless you turn
Loose!" This went on until Earnest Ray passed out long enough to
turn loose.
Needless to say, the congregation was no longer staid and proper.
People were rollling in the aisles.
Michael Joiner
I am NOT hard of hearing!
I am not hard of hearing but, sometimes… well, sometimes the
words I hear just don’t seem to register quite right:
A group of us were enjoying coffee together and one of the ladies
was excitedly sharing the fact she was getting a new Microwave
Oven. But she didn’t say she was going to “buy” or “purchase” one –
she used the word “acquire” – she was going to acquire a Microwave
Oven.
The conversation wasn’t making a lick of sense to me and I
blurted out, “What in the world are you talking about?!”
Startled, and puzzled, she wondered what the problem was. I
explained, “I’ve got this vision of a choir loft full of Microwave
Ovens with the doors opening and closing, the lights going on and
off, and the buzzers buzzing…”
Got to Get a Job
My 3 year old niece is getting ready to graduate from pre-school. so
she told her mother that she was going to make a speech at the
graduation. Her mother said to her "You know what happens after you
graduate?" . Her response "I GOTTA GET A JOB, RIGHT MOM?"
Long-Haired Drivers
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father
if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the
father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To
which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they
went!"
Can't Keep Up With It
My Mother-in-law at a ripe old age of 88 has been in the nursing
home for several years and is suffering from dementia. The home has
made her a special chair from PVC pipe with wheels. When she first
received her chair, she was so excited because she could visit with
the other residence. One day she was up and down the hall until she
had worked up a sweat. Finally, she stopped at the nurse's station
and told the nurse on duty, "You've got to take the motor off this
chair. I just can't keep up with it"!
Mr. Rogers is in the "hood"
While watching "Mr. Rogers" with my 3 year old daughter, Hannah,
one afternoon I explained to her that Mr. Rogers went to live in
Heaven. Hannah immediately said "No mama, he lives in the
neighborhood!"
A father was at the beach with his children when his
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to
the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what
happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the
dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw
him back down?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan,
3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake.
I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,
you be Jesus."
Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until
someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot
came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of
our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more.
This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time.
Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will
happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on
board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel happier
if we had four engines and three ministers!"
Have you ever noticed how geese fly in that V formation? Have you
ever wondered why one side is always longer than the other? Answer-
There's more geese on that side!
A local council (in the UK) built a new road (street) in which
they also built a number of homes and flats (apartments) for the
elderly. They were going to call the street "St. Peter's Close"
until some wise person thought it was not appropriate for all the
old people living there!
It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop
asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where
they are going.
I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and
the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the
hospital's fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the
following message on his back:
The older I get the better I was.
Adam and Cullen were very young cousins. Sitting together in
church one Sunday with Adam's mother, the preacher started his
sermon with, "Adam, where are you"? He paused, then cried out a
little louder, "Adam, where are you"? Cullen looked puzzled and
then, pointing to his cousin Adam, and shouted:
"here he is!"
Sent By their grand-father, Rev. Odus Jackson
My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for
dinner. As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how
much he enjoyed the meal. The pastor's young daughter said, "I'm
sure glad it wasn't dog poop!". Her parents were embarrassed and
then began to laugh. The pastor's wife had told the child before
coming to my daughter's house that she was to eat whatever was being
served, no matter what - even if it was dog poop.
'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to
the store with me."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
that way."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get
a good job."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk
back to me."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."
AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."
A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town. He
went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog
pen.
The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the
farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should
wear." The farmer agreed.
The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church ...in
his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The
farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and
didn't know what to wear." submitted by Pastor Stein
From Linda Eberly: One Sunday evening while my husband was away,
I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four. I
didn't expect that they would listen to very much, I was just
content that they were quiet. When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22
"anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder" was read, I
heard the small worried voice of my four year old say "Uh-oh"
Liturgical Gaff
One time, during a particularly difficult time in a church job where
I was the
assistant, I led the 5:30 Sunday evening communion service.
Afterwards,
an elderly parishioner came up to me and said "Do you know what you
said
tonight?" I looked at her, confused, and said no. She said, "Well,
instead of
"The Lord be with you" (to which the congregation replies "and also
with you")
-- you said "The Lord be with me." She said, "We all sort of stood
there,
looked at each other, and then said, "and with us too!"
And I had totally missed the whole exchange!
Yet a little while and you see me no longer!
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the
lectern, stood up afterthe Hymn of Meditation and
declared..."Friends...My text for this morning is'Be not afraid,
for it is I !" Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of
hymn books behind thelectern for the evening service. After the
evening Hymn of Meditation the preacherstood on his
platform...vestments fully visible..."Friends...my text for this
eveningis...Yet a little while and you see me no longer!" Just then
the platform collapsedand down went the preacher. "StayBlessed"
Joke
Another Overworked Pastor
I was multi-tasking, looking over a bulletin while simultaneously
leaving a message on a conference official's voice mail. My eyes
falling on the opening prayer of the bulletin, I concluded the voice
mail message about a mundane insurance question with "Amen."
--Pastor Sally
Joke
What's a rainbow?
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave
him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God
standing on his head and smiling
after eating skittles.
Joke
A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his
little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small
pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you
can
put this together."
After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map
correctly
fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.
"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of
Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."
Joke
three boys were talking about their fathers excelence. One of them
said: my father is a great professor. When he is talking about a
subject, only 10 persons in the world can understand him!
The second
boy said: my father is great brain surgeon, when he is talking about
his surgery only 5 person in the whole world can realize what he is
saying. The third boy said:
my father is a pastor, when he is
preaching nobody can understand what he is saying.
Joke
My minister was acting secretary for the Christmas season so he
had to make the bulletins. He usually had his teacher wife
proof-read them except for one fateful Sunday when the closing hymn
was "Good Christian Fiends Rejoice"
Joke
Many years ago when I was talking to my Junior Church class I
asked them "Do you believe in God?"
Quck as a flash one boy said, "Yes, how else does my mother know
when I have been stealing sugar?"
Joke
One sunday morning right in the middle of my sermon My daughter,
who was three at the time, stood up on the front pew cocked her
thumb back and shouted, "POW! I shot you. You're dead." I started to
laugh, but as I looked out at the congregation, there wasn't a smile
anywhere. I just wanted to go hide somewhere.
Joke
Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church.
Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school.
Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways,
occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become
such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways
during the time of the children's arrival. The deacons of this
church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms.
Annoucements were made and letters sent home, telling the children
to wait on a deacon to help "walk" to their classrooms. Well, the
following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited
when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van
toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the "chase was
on."
Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping
into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on
him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office--I'm the
pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked,
"What's the matter?" He replied, "Hide me preacher, there's a
'demon' after me!"
